Learning to Trust

Update on Nolan

2012-01-30T23:14:00.001-06:00

It was love at first sight. Nolan Scott took my heart just as much as his older brother Parker Thomas did the day he was born.

It's different. It's a whole new experience. It's more comfortable. It's more challenging with Parker nearby. It's still absolute love. I still have a special bond with both of them.

Here's the full family on day 2 of his little life, getting to meet GiGi from California :)

For some reason the pictures I have from about a week or so old aren't working. But trust me, he's already growing like a weed! So for now, you just get this one of me with him at 2 weeks, taken by CiCi, his other Grandma from CA.

I feel so blessed to be a part of this little family. Really, truly blessed. I cannot imagine my life without them.

No-Fuss Potato Soup

2012-01-29T22:01:00.003-06:00

This morning I made a recipe that my mom passed down to me - it was really good and I was really happy with how it turned out! I know it came from a cookbook, but unfortunately there's no record of where it came from.

I spent probably 30 minutes chopping and prepping things for it, tossed it into the crock pot, and we enjoyed it for dinner tonight. I'm reminded this week of how great it can be when I'm staying on top of menu planning and grocery shopping! With my schedule, it's hard to always do it properly, but when I am able to, it's amazing how much less stressed out I feel! Now for a dishwasher to make clean up easier! Hmmm.....

Anyway, there are tons of potato soup recipes out there and it's so hard to know what to try, so I went with the familiar and tried what my mom loves. :) I adjusted it so there was less onion (Tim isn't a fan) and more carrots, as well as the addition of a little fresh parsley to the top after cooking. I served mine alongside fresh pretzel rolls from our local grocery store.

It's super yummy - both hubster & I could get used to this Winter-time treat!!

No-Fuss Potato Soup

6 c. cubed, peeled Idaho potatoes (3 large = 6 c.)
5 c. water
2 c. chopped onion
1/2 c. chopped celery
1/2 c. thinly sliced carrots
3 T. butter
4 t. chicken bouillon granules (for flavoring, found in the soup aisle in most stores)
1 1/4 t. salt
1/2 t. pepper (I'm sensitive to pepper/spice so I wasn't sure about this, but I think this was perfect)

1 1/2 c. milk (recipe calls for whole milk, I used our usual 1% and it was still super good, although probably not as thick, you could add some half & half for thickening instead if you wanted)
2 t. chopped, fresh parsley

In large crock pot, combine the 1st 9 ingredients. Cover & cook on high for 7-8 hours or until vegetables are tender. (I did 7 hours but opened once about halfway through to stir one time.)

Add milk & parsley; mix well. Cover & cook 30-60 minutes longer (I did the full hour so it was a total 8 hour cooking time).

Makes 8-10 servings or 3 quarts.

Quick Update

2012-01-26T21:33:00.002-06:00

My chiropractor helped me quite a bit on Monday afternoon, and I'm so thankful for his mad skillz!

My tailbone pain is still not great, but it's much more manageable. At least now I can bend, move, lay, sit, stretch, go to the bathroom, shower, etc, without wanting to scream, writhing in pain, or nearly blacking out!!!

My fatigue is still bad, and I'm not sure what to do about that. Last night I attempted grocery shopping. I had to stop for a minute before approaching the check out line just to gather up even one iota that I had left of energy. I feared I might pass out in the line. It was an awful, scary feeling, but I'm thankful God gave me the strength I needed to push through and get to my car safely.

My chiropractor is amazing and he's hard to get into sometimes, so my follow-up appt isn't until next Monday, but I'm sure it'll help a lot too. Here's to feeling better soon and this Fibro flare-up disappearing soon!

So... I'm doing better overall, and greatly appreciate all your concerns and prayers!

What's for Dinner?

2012-01-23T21:15:00.000-06:00

I made ravioli and garlic bread tonight for dinner.

In the midst of a nasty Fibromyalgia flare-up, it's a blessing to be able to even stand over the stove.

It was made from 2 boxes and 1 can... and I'm proud of it.

Cold, Hard Reality about Fibromyalgia

2012-01-22T14:52:00.004-06:00

Every time I mentally check out from dealing head-on with my Fibromyalgia, it seems to hit me with blunt force and surprise me back to the cold, hard reality that is life with chronic illness.

I sometimes like to go about my life as if everything is fine. I enjoy my life and soak up every ounce of it I possibly can.

I pretend as if I really am normal. As if I don't deal with a host of pain, fatigue, and other symptoms.

Then... this week happened.

The fatigue was awful at times, crushing at others. Hitting me out of nowhere, making me feel like I was going to fall over. The past few days, I've fought to struggle past falling asleep at every turn. Any time I've been sitting down, my body has tried to just doze off.

The pain was radiating and difficult to manage, but I did okay.

Until yesterday morning.

I woke up to the kind of shocking, horrific, disabling pain that would knock most people off their feet. But I've had Fibro for 5 years and have figured out, for the most part, how to usually still go about life as usual if it's not too bad. So I got up and tried to do a couple of things, while very quickly learning it was not to be. I could not even pretend to push myself this time.

I ended up spending my day going between recliner, couch, and bed, trying various angles and positions, only to find more pain & agony. The only position I could tolerate was sitting at a slight angle on the recliner in our living room.

It was a whole other level of pain that I haven't faced in a long time. Every move, every breath, everything comes at a price. With the desire to scream.

And sometimes, scream I did!

Laying down is horrendous. Ibuprofen didn't make a dent, neither did the Therma-care heat wrap. The heating pad helped some but not much.

When you're in this much pain, it can be easy to be tense, straining to move, agitated, frustrated, crying, and a bit of a mess. Which can often just make it worse.

Any plans I had this weekend went out the window as every move I make is excruciating. Just walking the few steps from the recliner to the bathroom or kitchen is about all I can take.

I don't know what triggered it for sure, but every morning I've been waking up in worse pain and it's just escalated as the week has progressed. I don't know for sure that it's our bed, but something about either the way I sleep or our bed isn't helping.

I'm trying hard not to be too overwhelmed by life today, as I try to recover and still fight the awful pain. It was a difficult night as I tossed and turned, challenged to find any comfortable position. But thankfully, the heating pad and rest today have been helping at least a little bit. I was able to muster up just enough energy for a shower, but that took everything out of me and I've barely moved since!

I'm so thankful for Tim and his stepping up to make meals, do laundry and dishes, and staying with me to take care of me, even though that meant he'd miss church this morning too. Love that man like crazy!!!

In the midst of this, God is quietly speaking reminders into me and I am thankful for his nearness. For his presence in my suffering. For my ability to be still and quiet for a couple of days as he uses this to break me, and someday pick me back up and put me back to full health.

I stop and give him praise, for if I'm not broken, I miss the opportunity for him to heal me or to use a miracle in my life to bring others to him.

For all that and more, I am incredibly grateful. And honored to serve him through my Fibromyalgia. To God be the glory!

My Proclamations for 2012

2012-01-17T18:14:00.003-06:00

Goals, kinda. Resolutions, ughh, hate that word, fail every time. I liked it when I heard someone else say "This is my proclamation for 2012. Just stuff I'm hoping to do, and how I want to have an impact."

Me likey. :) Me stealy....

~~~

My Proclamations for 2012:

I will learn more about Jesus this year, and what it really means to love & serve those in need.

I want to make a difference and change the world a bit more this year by impacting my little corner of the universe.

I want to grow in compassion, and increase my giving to those who need it.

I want to grow in loving on our Compassion child, and will send her a letter every month.

I want to remember to serve my husband and take care of our house more, because if I don't do that well, I can't serve others well.

I want wayyyy more of Jesus and others this year, and less of me.

I want to work on so many personal things, but I also know that I can't do it all at once and I have to allow room for grace and time. Like eat less & better, exercise more, stop a couple bad habits, be a better blogger, get better at organizing & printing pictures, remember I can only do so much, tackle my house one portion at a time instead of letting it overwhelm me, and do more to figure out some Fibromyalgia stuff.

~~~

How about you, friends? What do you hope to see, do, accomplish, and change in the world in 2012?

Christmas Traditions

2012-01-16T20:00:00.000-06:00

Celebrating together with a couple of our closest friends the Tuesday night before Christmas reminded me of how difficult it can be sometimes to merge two family holiday traditions together. Especially when it comes to Christmas.

Decorations. Ornaments. Food. Celebrations. Timing. Travel.

Family gatherings {which family on which day?}. Opening presents {Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?}. Stockings {wrap or don't wrap?}.

Some of my favorite traditions now are the combinations of family traditions, although to be honest my family's traditions are still my absolute fav. :)

My family always gets together on a time other than Christmas. We always set aside a time though for our "Christmas Eve" and "Christmas Day" to make it special.

Growing up, we always put the tree up over Thanksgiving weekend {unless it was real, then it was closer to Christmas}, then lay on a blanket in front of the tree with candles {don't worry, not right next to the tree!} and sing through a booklet of our favorite Christmas carols each night leading up to Christmas.

Dad & I made homemade pizza & dough for supper on Christmas Eve. My brother was always the last to finish wrapping gifts right up to the time we opened them. We read the Bible Christmas story together. Then we sang through our booklet of favorite carols together. And then it was opening presents time!

When we were really little and played the Santa game, mom would pull out the gifts from Santa after we were in bed and put them under the tree. She'd always stay up past us and fill our stockings. That tradition continued until we moved out of the house. Now each year our family doesn't just exchange gifts, we also buy a little stocking stuffer for each family member - I love it!!

Also now, mom makes her homemade spaghetti sauce and meatballs. We read the Christmas story from Luke together to start our Christmas Eve each year. This year my niece Olivia read the entire thing and it was so sweet. Mom prays over us all and the evening. We sing Christmas carols together... after my brother & I sometimes try to hide the booklets {none of us can sing very well, try as we might, and it's so off-tune sometimes bro & I catch each other's eye and have to stiffle our giggles... and last year we tried hiding the booklets in the fridge}!

My nieces and I always make a gingerbread house together each year on our Christmas Day.

My favorite place in all the world to be is mom's house over Christmas. She does such an extraordinary job decorating and making it feel special and homey, and her house is so relaxing and like a little getaway. I love just staring out over the lake. At wintertime it's nice to see the ice

Tim's family always has a birthday cake for Jesus and we sing happy birthday to Jesus. It's always been together with Tim's family on Christmas Day. We used to get together late morning to exchange gifts and we used to include a grab bag gift game. It's all much more up in the air the past few years, and there's not really any set thing. We usually only buy for the kids of family members in the area - otherwise it'd be pretty crazy with Tim's 10 siblings and 27+ nieces & nephews.

It took us several years, a lot of trial and error, and sometimes still some miscommunication or disappointment comes as we try to solidify our own little family traditions. But without kids, it's hard to feel like we really have a plan or nail down much of anything.

What about you? Any major challenges you've faced together as you nail down your own traditions and figure out what to do between your two families?

Christmas Partying

2012-01-15T18:09:00.002-06:00

The chilly December air was filled with oodles of Christmas parties, fun, laughter, and the magical feeling you only get at Christmas time.

On one such day, we had quite a whammy with both of our big work parties being on the same day: Thursday the 8th.

The week prior to my work party, we started a gingerbread house competition. We could work on it whenever {usually over lunch or after work}, but we had to use mostly edible products, work on it only within our team of people, and then a team of judges would choose the winner at the party. It was really neat and brought people together!

Here are a few pics of some of the Book Division working on our masterpiece....

And after much debating, we ultimately won, yay!! Here are some from the other departments.

Here are some pics from our wonderful luncheon at a nearby hotel. It was SO much fun!!

Everyone mingled, checked out the other gingerbread houses...

sang a couple Christmas carols together...

ate amazing food...

laughed at the hilarious antics of the luncheon's moderators Keane & Jon - two of our creative team members who are hysterical and play well off each other

played more games...

gingerbread houses were judged by a team of people, including Kevin surprising us in a gingerbread man costume, and he was quite a hoot too!...

after all was said and done, the creative team finally broke out their "real" gingerbread house, which made everyone crack up...

...and here are a few final pictures of me with my great coworkers.

My fun table!!!

Don, Dallas, Tim, AJ, me, Zoe, Abby, Karen, & Laura

Laura, me, & Abby -

Love these gals soooo much!!!

Me & Lindsay -

seriously don't know where I'd be without this chicky!!

And... Tim & AJ -

never a dull moment ;)

It was quite a wonderful time of laughter and merriment among coworkers. We are so blessed to have such a great team of people!

Right after getting back from that lunch, the book division gathered together to sign all of our 400+ Christmas cards for authors, agents, etc. We always have a blast and it works very efficiently!

Truly an amazing group of people!!

I missed a chance at the party to a get a pic with our newest coworker, Danielle, and also my newest good friend, so I had to grab one after the card signing.... Love her to pieces!

And then, it was time to say goodbye. Again. To yet another friend & coworker. Moving to the other side of the world. Miss you already Amy! But praying for continued blessings in your life as you move forward with all of the amazing things God has in store for you & through you in your future!

The moment I hugged goodbye to Amy, I ran to grab my stuff and bolt out the door a little early to be able to make it to hubster's work party on time. It was starting at 4:30 and it was a half hour drive the other direction {even further away from home... ughhh sometimes I really do wonder why we bought this house so far out, but I digress.....}.

We enjoyed several hours of bowling, pool, eating good food & free drinks {for us that means Coke}, and I enjoyed getting to know more of Tim's coworkers!

We must admit, we usually score better than this in bowling! But it was fun for me to lose only by 1 point (!!) and to actually bowl outside of the Wii. :) It was a bit nerve-wracking to have everyone watching so closely too!

The place we went to was a really cool concept - not one I'd been to before. Every group has their own section with 4 bowling lanes, tables, chairs, pool table, and an area to serve the food in. Pretty neat!

After that, we were pretty tired but I couldn't resist the chance to go to my dear friend Sherah's house, as she only lives minutes away from where we were for Tim's work party. It was really fun to hang out with her and her family!

And go gaga over her gorgeous Christmas decorations!

Love you guys - Marty, Sherah, & Charlie!

Great ending to an absolutely wonderful day!!

And I'm pretty sure, I slept like a solid rock that night.

A New One to Love

2012-01-13T07:03:00.000-06:00

Parker is now a big brother {see post below}!

Nolan Scott, born 1/13/12 at 2:19 a.m. weighing in at 8 lbs 9 oz and was 21 inches long. :) Can hardly wait to love on that one!!

Welcome to the world Nolan!

Almost Done Waiting

2012-01-12T22:39:00.005-06:00

As one of my nearest and dearest friends is progressing through labor this evening, and as we've been watching their 2 1/2 year old son Parker, I've been doing a lot of thinking... and a ton of praying.

And some reflection.

From the moment I laid eyes on that kid, I knew.

He had my heart.

It's been a very special bond since day one. I can't begin to explain it. I don't always understand it. I can't put into words just how very much I love that kid, given that he's no actual relation to me.

But he and his parents are like family to me.

Parker, you will always have a very special place in Auntie Shell's heart!!

But tonight we wait for your little brother. As you lay sleeping upstairs, despite the enthusiasm you seemed to show when we told you that when you woke up in the morning you'd probably have a baby brother and that we know you don't fully understand it, your mama & daddy {especially your mama!} are hard at work bringing baby N into this world!!

I cannot wait to meet him. And I'm sure my bond with him will be sweet and special, just in different ways.

Because Parker, you are the son I never had. You are the little buddy I absolutely adore hanging out with. You are the little man who completely exhausts me regularly, and who makes me ooze with pride and joy at every turn. Outside of Jesus Christ and my husband, you are the one person in my life who has changed me radically, and have reminded me to smile and laugh even when I've felt like screaming and crying.
You will always be my very special "bud".

No one can ever replace my Parker.

Decorating Christmas Cookies

2012-01-09T16:51:00.000-06:00

One of our favorite traditions is to join up with Brian & Monica to decorate Christmas cookies! Monica makes the sugar cookies and cuts them out prior to our arrival, and after hanging out for a bit we get started!

This year the fun took place on December 10th. So yes, I'm at least a month behind, and yes I'm still going to post about Christmas parties anyway. :) Enjoy!

snuggles

hot chocolate. from scratch. yes please!!

dancing in the kitchen. love. despite blurry & cut off.

ready to go

look closely, my shirt above says "Girl GONE Hunting"

it does NOT say "Girl Hunting"

shut up.

Brian killed one of his bears.

he was a bloody mess.

here Tim wonders what on earth I am doing.

I never said I was good at this, it's just fun!

for example, this is mine...

and this is Tim's...

yeah, I stink.
but...

yay for silliness with friends!

{look closely at Tim's face here...}

when do we get to eat them?!

fun & yum!! what could be better?!

buddies Tim & Parker having a grand ole time!

done!

We had soooo much fun and are so thankful for these friends!! Many of these pictures were taken by Brian and his awesome camera. The crappier pictures are mine. Just tell me they're snazzy anyway to make me feel better. :)

We Bought A Zoo Movie Review

2012-01-08T19:30:00.002-06:00

via

Set in southern California, and based on a true story, a father moves his young family to the countryside to renovate and reopen a struggling zoo. To read more, go here.

Matt Damon plays a father and zoo owner in this film, a surprising role for him if you are used to him in movies such as the Bourne trilogy, the Ocean's movies, etc. But he fills this role incredibly and does a superb job at gripping your heart.

Scarlett Johansson fills a less intense role here than in Iron Man but more comparable to her role in In Good Company. She's sweet, cute, but also hardcore in her role as zookeeper.

There are many surprises in this film - both my friend and I cried during it, which really surprised us. We'd gone in expecting a humorous, family-oriented movie. And while there is much of that, it's also touching, tear-jerking, and powerful.

A couple of things I didn't care for were:

Matt Damon's character says Jesus's name in vain right at the beginning
The 14 year old boy swears
A few sexual innuendoes

The movie is rated PG and is supposed to be family-oriented, but if I had young children I wouldn't take them to the movie because of the previously mentioned issues.

Overall though from my perspective, and my friend's, it was enjoyable, funny, surprisingly sad, and really good! Not a must-see, but enjoyable for what it is.

And yes, I know I'm stricter than some people, but trust me, I know people who are stricter than I am on this stuff too!! Namely, my mom & stepdad, and while we disagree to some extent, I utterly respect them for their strong stance on not watching any movie with God or Jesus's name in vain. Not a bad habit to have!

Fake or Real Christmas Tree?

2012-01-08T12:16:00.000-06:00

Fake.

Must. be. fake.

We both have allergies and I especially have a very unfortunate one to trees. I cannot be anywhere near a freshly watered tree without getting a stuffy nose, watery eyes, and sneezing a lot.

My mom graciously times it so her tree is just right when we get there, and I try not to sit too close to it, especially after she freshly waters it. Thankfully we have places we can hang out besides just being right by the tree.

We had a fake tree most of my growing up years, until late high school/college, and then mom started trying the real thing. I loved it!!

Then I got married & moved to Chicago.

And got allergic to everything.

So now, sadly, every year it's always a fake tree. But the special part is I can leave it up for as long as I want to!

No pine needles, watering, or messy clean-up. Just back in the storage container for next year.

Sure it might be flatter, older, and sadder-looking, but it's sneeze-less!

Which kind of tree do you have?

New Year / New Start

2012-01-03T22:58:00.004-06:00

First of all, Happy New Year!!

Secondly, an array of thoughts....

Over the past several months, I was feeling really overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by all the parties, stuff to do, shopping, family get togethers, traveling, etc. Overwhelmed by not being good enough. Overwhelmed by not feeling like I could ever measure up. Overwhelmed by getting sick and feeling miserable. Overwhelmed by lists of way too much.

I felt I had so many things I needed to fix, do, correct, etc, that I was starting to spin out of control and negatively react instead of proactively just work on what I could when I could.

But there's something about a long break, a new year, a clean slate, and a fresh start that just utterly refreshes the soul.

As well as getting a new haircut & highlights :)

thanks to my amazing sister-in-law Diana!!!

I've come away from the past 2 1/2 weeks {of not working} feeling rejuvenated, more content, and relaxed.

More connected with my Savior. More connected with family and friends. Dealing with Fibromyalgia flares. Overcoming fears and anxieties. Facing my 12th married Christmas without children, and seeing a whole new side to God's kindness and sovereignty in the midst of it all. Spoiling my nieces, nephews, and friends kids. Stealing away time with hubster. Watching oodles of movies. Celebrating the new year with family. Crying a lot. Laughing a lot.

Unfortunately, both of us had bouts with the flu, followed by my dad's visit over new year's ending up with him having the flu. So many people we know have been sick this season, and it's been rough! But we've all survived it and in the end, are reminded that even in the midst of illness God's goodness shines through.

While we are all busily thinking through our goals or resolutions for the new year, as we try to remember to work grace into our goals so we aren't overwhelmed or dropping them in 2 weeks, and as we remember just because we are entering a new year doesn't mean we've suddenly reached the ability to be perfect... may we all take a serious chill pill and remember why we're all here in the first place.

That as we come face-to-face with our fears over what may come in 2012, and as we make steps forward to become more of who we want to be & who God is shaping us into in 2012... may we do it all to the glory & honor of God!

We only have one chance to live 2012. Let's make it the very best that it can be!

Now off to see if I can make one of my goals happen for real this year... get to bed on time. And now that I'm 35 minutes overdue for that as we watch the Iowa Caucuses come to a close, I will bid you a good night and a great new year!

Now that Christmas is over...

2011-12-29T23:26:00.002-06:00

...I finally found my stash of my favorite Christmas CD's!

I'd put them, of course, where I'd be able to find them easily.

And then forgot where I put them.

They were already in my iTunes playlist, but I didn't have any Christmas CD's for my car except 1 new one and much as I love David Crowder, playing the same one over and over and over was getting to be too much! So now I have them for my car. YAY!!

And yes, I'm still playing them, despite Christmas being over! I have a strict rule of not listening to Christmas music until a day or two before Thanksgiving {helps get me in the spirit of Black Friday shopping!} but once Christmas is over I still play Christmas music {and leave up the decorations in my house} for as long as I feel like it, usually a few days up to a couple weeks. There was one year we left our decorations up until early February! It was fun. :)

Christmas Tour of Homes 2011

2011-12-28T10:30:00.001-06:00

I'm a bit behind but I wanted to go ahead and post this anyway, even though it's too late to link up with the rest of them. To view all the others, go here to The Nesting Place and be sure to check out my favorite one at Chatting at the Sky.

My house has been extremely chaotic so my pictures are a lot closer up so it's not really a full tour, but you get the gist. I don't have any pictures from the outside this winter, so this one from earlier this year during our big snowstorm will have to do. :)

eek... this one reminds me I need to catch up on my dusting!!
oh well, they said it didn't have to be perfect to share...

I hope you've enjoyed this Christmas tour of our home! :)

A Merry Christmas with the Flu

2011-12-26T22:56:00.010-06:00

I just spent the past 48 hours fighting the nastiest flu bug I've ever had.

It. has. been. brutal.

It was my first ever Christmas spent in bed. It was depressing at first, but reading this post on my phone while crying my eyes out in misery was extremely moving & beneficial. After that I was able to keep things in a better perspective, and in my moments of lucidity, I prayed, reflected, and sought after time with Christ as my only solace and source of strength.

It’s okay to feel alone at Christmas. It’s okay to feel out of place and out of sorts. It’s okay to be depressed. But I want you to know that you are special. Because of a common Savior who has come as a baby, you belong. You belong right where you are. You are NOT a foreigner. You are not alone. You are part of a community and you are illumined. ~Sarah Markley, (in)courage

It's the first time that all of our real Christmas celebrations were prior to Christmas, not on the actual day. It had gotten pretty crazy for a while there, and I was really longing for more simplicity, but once Christmas came and we both got sick... it suddenly felt so strange to be doing nothing. Going nowhere. Spending time with no one. Tim cleaning up my puke (God bless him!).

I'd been planning to make it all very special for Tim & I, but alas, that didn't happen.

Things happen, plans change, and I have a hard time letting go of the what-would-have-been.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, let me give you the background of our Christmas story this year....

I spent Black Friday shopping by myself as Tim was sick with a nasty cold, buying as many gifts as possible, knowing that my friend's wedding would take up a lot of time and I wanted to be there for her, so I bought gifts as early as possible.

We enjoyed parties with coworkers and friends, and then lots of preparing for my friend's wedding. Much as I love her, I'm confident I never want to help plan another Christmastime wedding in my life! ;) Too crazy busy.

We left our house Tuesday afternoon and drove a few hours south to our friends Jason & Anna's house where we got to finally rehash memories of their wedding in April, and really got some good quality time with them, which we absolutely cherish. Wednesday morning we drove the remaining couple of hours to my hometown where we immediately were thrown into a whirlwind of activity with my family, which was wonderful on so many levels. I'll go into more detail in another post. The short version is that we had an amazing time and it was really, really special. I'm so thankful that we had a great time before anybody got sick!

Friday about 3 a.m. while still at my mom's house, Tim came down with the flu (or a stomach virus, or whatever you want to refer to it as...) and was miserable, stayed in bed for the first 20 hours or so, moved to the couch, and got lots of rest. Saturday about 2 p.m. we decided he was well enough to make the trek back home although still weak so I drove the whole way (not a big deal, but when we're together, Tim's just always the driver).

We got home about 7:30 and had dinner while my body was freaking out. The adrenaline from the week had worn off, my body was stiff & sore from the drive, and I was feeling a bit "off" but couldn't put my finger on it. By 10 I clearly had the flu too. Thankfully I got a lot of good, solid sleep that night, but 10 the next morning the flu reared its ugly head in full force the entire day. I was between bed and the bathroom all day. I faced a raging headache as the day went on, my first day in a long time with no caffeine and it was torture not to be able to take some Ibuprofen (for fear of not being able to keep it in me)! I tossed & turned a lot overnight, just as a result of my body screaming in pain from laying in bed so much (and not having taken 2 doses of my pain medication).

The pain flare-ups have been nearly unbearable.

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, although still quite exhausted and weak, and only eating a minimal amount (crackers, dry bread, rice, Gatorade). I've been in the recliner today, sitting propped up, snuggled under a very special blanket, watching movies, working on this post on and off all day, watching hubby wrap the last of the presents for his family, and enjoying down time with hubby (which includes him playing with his ridiculous toy helicopter he got from his mom for Christmas, attempting to fly it, and running it into e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Some serious duck and cover happening here!!). Wanting to finish up belated Christmas cards, sort pictures from the past few weeks, update calendars, unpack, do the rest of the laundry Tim didn't get done yesterday (he's so amazing!), etc etc, but I just haven't had the energy.

In the midst of cancelled plans, nothing special on Christmas Day and no family time, I've had a lot of time to think, pause, and reflect on our Savior's birth. Thankfully today we were able to watch our church's Christmas Eve service online (if you'd like to watch it too, you can! Check it out here! - or check this video out too as something leading up to that service). We'd really been looking forward to attending, but given Tim's being sick through Saturday morning, we postponed leaving until we knew whether or not he could make the trip, so we got home later than originally planned. Not a big deal, but it was really nice to be able to watch the full service, with worship and everything. It was very powerful and we're so thankful!

It all could have been so different. We could have spent Christmas Eve at church surrounded by loved ones, worshiping with friends, greeting others and shouting out Merry Christmas amidst cheers and glee. We could have driven around to see some lights. We could have spent the evening reading of Christ's birth (which we still did), reflecting on the year together, watching Christmas movies, and making a late night of it despite having already "opened" our gift to each other earlier this year (our treadmill). We could have woken up on Christmas morning to immediately getting in our stockings in our usual excited giddiness, sharing a special Christmas breakfast, joining up with his family for lunch and presents, taking in The War Horse at the theatre as we'd hoped (despite that I wish theatres weren't open on Christmas Day, since they are we sometimes admittedly take in one if the timing is right), and relaxing in the evening to some more Christmas movies at home. We could have had lunch today with our dear friends Brian & Monica, and spoiled Parker with an onslaught of gifts we've just been dying to give him! We could have had dinner today with my aunt, uncle, and cousins in Chicago followed by going to see the Lincoln Park Zoo lights with them, something we've always wanted to do but never have. (This is the family we spent time with in California back in May when we went to my cousin's college graduation in Santa Barbara as part of our 11 year anniversary trip.)

There's a lot of could-have-beens. But God had other plans. And I trust him in that, despite that it was hard. Even in illness, God knows best and has a plan. For reasons we may not fully understand, it was time to set all those other things aside and focus on rest, getting well, and focusing more completely on Him.

It really can be so easy to fly through the busyness of the season without stopping to really focus on our Savior's birth. Today as I was feeling a bit sad about the lack of time with Tim's family and alone/non-sick, vacation time with Tim this holiday season (including Thanksgiving since Tim was sick that day too - so unusual, he rarely gets sick!), this Matthew West song really helped pull me back into the right perspective today.

Happy Day after Christmas! (And yeah that after serious pain & exhaustion I still got this posted before midnight, woohoo!!)

Crazy Season & Let's Throw in a Wedding

2011-12-19T20:13:00.000-06:00

It's been a crazy, whirlwind Christmas season - with all the usual get togethers with friends, work parties, baking, Christmas movie watching in down time, shopping, and more. I have a bunch of pictures I'm anxious to show you - but no time to do it in.

As busy as it's been, this year along came a dear friend & coworker deciding to get married on December 17th.

So the past couple of weeks have been dotted in bits of purple and silver ribbon, white and red roses, hours on the computer going through the schedule with the bride's parents, answering random questions, stuffing programs, setting up the reception site, and trying to stay on top of my intense workload at the same time.

Thankfully as of last Thursday afternoon, my next work day is 12/27. Whew, I need a long break! :)

I also spent this past week reminding this very special couple (and their parents) to stop, soak in the memories, thank God for his blessings, and especially to...

remember to breathe!!!

Now that Abigail & Josh are officially married as of Saturday, my wedding planning assistance is over, and my body is freaking out at home, I am slowly getting back on top of my life...

...and the craziness that comes with ordinary Christmas stuff, beyond adding a wedding into the mix.

So I'm trying to remember my own advice and to breathe...

...and laugh!!

More to come, I just have to keep sane so my blog just is not a top priority right now... much as I love you guys. ;)

You Don't Look So Good

2011-12-14T12:18:00.003-06:00

A word of advice.

When someone doesn't look like they feel well, please don't tell them any of the following phrases:

You don't look so good!
Man, you look awful today.
Do you not feel well? You look terrible.
You don't look like you're feeling well.
You look especially tired today.

When you don't feel well, you already know you probably don't look well. You don't need to hear reinforcements that you actually really do look terrible.

And yes I've heard all of those phrases, often in the same day from different people. Talk about depressing....

For someone like me who never has a 100% feeling-great day, has Fibromyalgia, is a hypochondriac, and has low self-esteem, the words "You don't look so good" send me into a downward spiral of anxiety, fear, frustration, and self-hatred.

Seriously, just don't say that to people.

Whatever happened to "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"?!?!

I don't understand the motivation behind people being careless with the way they speak. Especially those I know are well aware of my illness.

I know people technically mean well and are trying to tell me that they care, but it's a weird way of doing it in my mind.

I am sick every day. Telling me I look awful just demeans the fabric of my being.

Weekend with a Child Recap EDITED TO ADD

2011-12-10T12:05:00.004-06:00

It's honestly been very hard to write this post, and I've been writing, tweaking, changing, adding, deleting, and trying to write it all down over the past 3 weeks. But I cannot begin to fully explain the whirlwind of emotions that have been swirling around in me since we watched Parker for the weekend. The 2-3 days after he left were some of the most confusing, conflicting, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching days of my life.

It was hard.

So instead of dwelling on any of that, I've decided for those of you who really want it and have been asking for it, a full recap you shall get! :) {warning, this is not short....}

---

Admittedly, I was a bit nervous about having a little child in our house all weekend and being fully responsible for someone else's child! But let's just first say, it went off really well and we had a good time!

I picked up Parker after work on Friday. Monica passed him off with ease and a wee bit of sadness after switching his carseat over to my car. The car ride home was seemless, while I did little things to make Parker giggle, giving myself ways to not be overly focused on "oh my gosh, there's a little child alone with me in the car, and I'm fully responsible for him, wow oh wow oh wow....".

But pulling into our driveway with Tim hours from being home yet... the anxiety set in a bit. I felt overwhelmed suddenly and just prayed quickly for God to give me strength. And then - I just kept moving. Things to do, a quick snack for him since I knew I wasn't near ready for dinner when he usually has it, needed to get him settled and adjusted, and found ways to entertain him before dinner {i.e. some of his favorite things: like watching a bunch of YouTube train videos, and hey... when you're the auntie/spoiler/non-parent, you can do things you know you wouldn't necessarily always do as a parent, like let him watch a bunch of videos the first night he's in a new place without mama & daddy because it helps comfort him}. :)

Then we had dinner {some quick & easy frozen pizza & blueberries}, more entertainment and time hanging out/playing with me, and then his bedtime routine which was pretty confusing to him at first. Even though I've helped put him to bed many, many times at his house, the different bathtub threw him for a loop and immediately caused him to pipe up "mama?"

Thankfully Parker is easily distractable with the familiar - familiar routine, familiar books, familiar stuffed animals, familiar sippy cup, etc. The pack & play definitely was something he wasn't too sure about at first and looked perplexed. He kept rubbing it and pointing at it and questioning "bed?" So cute.

Tim arrived just in time to help get his nighttime milk because I'd forgotten it until I was putting on his PJ's {it was all so different to me too--so used to the routine at their house, not mine!}. So Tim to the rescue! And it helped appease Parker to see him and get a good night hug from his favorite pal Tim. {He says Tim's name constantly.}

I laid him down in bed, said the usual good night & I love you, and closed the door with a prayer that he'd fall asleep quickly and without too much trouble despite the new environment. Now let me clarify - Parker's a great kid, he sometimes has a little trouble falling asleep even at home but not in a screaming/fit kind of way usually. He talks to himself and his animals, and just entertains himself well. More often than not, I've heard him fall asleep fully within an hour and he generally sleeps for 11-12 hours without too much of a peep. Thankfully, despite a couple of minor peeps, that first night, surprisingly he fell asleep quickly. Whew.

I didn't sleep well, but it could have been worse. I woke up 2 hours after going to bed and I was in a all-out sweat from the nightmare I'd just had that Parker had busted out of the pack & play and seriously hurt himself. After that, I woke up every 1-2 hours with other dreams, and I was wide awake at 5 a.m. ready to hear him at anytime, and fearing for some reason that I might not hear him.

Crazy, right??

He slept soundly until 7 and I let him keep talking to himself until 7:15 or so when he started getting louder and more restless. {The general rule is when he's contently talking to himself, let him keep doing so and he wakes up a little more slowly before you get him out of bed.} Then I got him up and into a new diaper, and into our bed with Tim to watch angry birds on Tim's phone {he loves them}. I left them to keep hanging out while I started making breakfast, but a few clanks in the kitchen and Parker came running "Shell....!!!" So cute.

We had scrambled eggs, Canadian bacon, and grapes for breakfast. Tim was great with helping keep Parker occupied for a bit so I could tidy up and get ready. We took it slow and easy, and it was really nice seeing Tim & Parker have some slow Saturday morning hang time together. So very precious.

Then Parker & I were ready and it felt like we waited on Tim for forever ;) before we finally took off shortly after 9 for Tim's mom's house about 25 minutes from here. I felt bad though as I was getting Parker ready to go and he said "Go, mama?!" After telling him earlier in the morning where we were going and what we were doing, I'd hoped it wouldn't be an issue, but of course that was silly of me. ;) I reminded him what we were going to be doing and he seemed fine. The car ride was good but this time he was really quiet and looked worried the whole time, while clinging tightly to monkey. My heart went out to him and I wished I knew what was going on in that little head.

There's lots of open space at Tim's mom's, two more kids to play with, two dogs, and oodles of toys to occupy Parker. Tim carried him into the house since we weren't sure how he'd do with the dogs. The big dog freaked Parker out too much upon arrival {lots of barking} and we put him downstairs. Once comfortable, Tim put Parker down and while walking around slowly, it wasn't longer before Parker was feeling at home. Tim's mom helped a lot with that, she has such a natural ease around kids and such good ideas of ways to get them playing and enjoying themselves.

The small dog Cuddles and Parker got along perfectly. Parker was so sweet and gentle with him {and Cuddles is nothing but insanely sweet with kids}.

It was really fun & special to watch my niece & nephew playing with Parker and seeing them all come together like that. I don't have any good pictures of them playing together and it doesn't come across well through the camera lens, but trust me it was all good. It was really sweet to see Parker's sweet, sharing nature and how that helped give way to Ashdyn being a bit gentler and sweeter with Parker as the hours went by.

It was fun for me to also be the one in charge of making sure I had everything Parker needed for our time away. I know I'm really good at organizing that sort of stuff and always having extra things on hand just in case. But still, actually doing it was really exciting for me. I'm such a nerd. But Parker was well taken care of and even though Tim's mom's house had extras we could have used, we didn't need anything outside of what I brought. I couldn't help but pat myself on the back. It's the OCD organizational side of me that just gets all giddy over stuff like this. :)

Toward the end of our time there, I sat down in the entry between the kitchen and family room to watch all the activity, and it wasn't long before Parker joined me. As we sat and talked with Tim's mom and sister, in my head I just kept thinking how special this all was and how much it meant to me. It was neat to feel like a "parent" and see his family reacting to our interactions with him, telling him no, encouraging him when he shared, him being so sweet and kind and obedient, etc. I was oozing with pride and love, like a true mama bear. It was seriously wonderful.

Tim was great about helping get Parker in and out and about. I appreciated his help so much!

After we left their house at 11:30, we headed straight home to get there by 12 to feed Parker lunch. We had yummy sandwiches & peanut butter crackers, and Parker had salami, cheese, a bit of bread, a few crackers, and blueberries. Then a bit of quiet playing, and it was Parker's naptime at 1.

It's funny how I knew it would be a good break for us to rest and get some things done, but resting is all we ended up doing. I wanted to keep moving, but I had to stop and listen to my body, I needed to rest. Besides we were a bit nervous that if he heard loud noises in an unfamiliar place, it'd startle him and he'd have trouble sleeping, so we didn't risk it. I almost fell asleep, but by the time I'd let myself relax enough to fall asleep around 2:30, Parker started screaming bloody murder. I came running but also still hesitated just in case it was a bad dream or something and he could soothe himself. But I could tell within a minute it was not going to easily go away, so I slowly walked in, lovingly rubbed his back, told him "Aunt Shell is here and loves you, you're safe", kept rubbing his back until he quieted, and just kept reassuring him until I quietly snuck back out and closed the door. Through all of that, at first I couldn't tell if he was waking up for real or if he was trying to fall back asleep, but I'm glad it turned out that he slept for another hour and a half!

Parker is always amazingly sweet and excited when you come in to get him. So after my own bit of resting, when he woke up I was glad he'd slept a good amount, and he was bright & chipper when he got up.

Our standard wake-up conversation became:

Me: "Hi Parker!" {or "Good morning Parker!"}
P: "Hiiiii!"
Me: "Did you sleep well?"
P: "Yeahhhh!"
Me: "Do you need a new diaper?"
P: "Yeahhhh!"
Me: "Did you have fun sleeping in this different bed?"
P: "Yeahhhh!"
Me: "Do you want to come out and play with Tim & I?"
P: "Shelllll! Timmm! Play!"
And more exciting conversation would continue....

After getting him up that afternoon, I got him some yogurt and an apple for a snack. And we popped in the Jonah VeggieTales movie, which he tolerated for about 30 minutes, and really enjoyed the music.

Then we set up a little doggy tent in our living room that Tim's mom had sent home with us, and arranged Parker with his toys so he could play for a while. He played okay on his own for a bit while I got some things done and then considering my exhaustion, Tim ran to pick us up something to eat at Panera.

Parker was starting to get antsy, so I gave him a change of environment by showing him our basement, which unfortunately is still torn apart by construction. So we wove our way around some landmines and kept him occupied with random things he could find... like a tic-tac-toe beanbag game, and a piece of equipment technically for exercise but in Parker's mind it was definitely more for play! :)

After all that, we headed back upstairs and shortly thereafter we greeted Tim coming back with our food. Parker demolished his PB&J in no time, and while he usually loves chips, he instead went for my mac & cheese. {And admittedly I enjoy sharing my food with him, it makes me feel special. :)} Then we played and watched some Ice Age before it was time for Parker to go to bed.

{He also got a kick out of playing with our wooden back-scratcher.}

We slept a bit better Saturday night, and worried a bit less. I heard Parker making some light squeaks shortly after 6, but he didn't really start talking to himself louder until closer to 7. When I got him up, I was feeling anxious, thinking about taking him to church. I got him ready and then got us all some cereal and grapes for breakfast. Then it was angry birds time with Tim until I was mostly done getting ready and we traded off.

Parker & I talked about going to church, learning about God & Jesus, and playing with new kids. I tried to prepare him the best way possible while also trying to help him understand this was a different church - that he'd be going to Tim & Shell's church. The moment we walked in the door, we all felt a bit overwhelmed. Parker was sweet and said hello to people. Thankfully upon entering our large foyer we saw some old friends of ours and their 4 kids, 1 of whom was in the same class with Parker. Julie helped make sure I was going in all of the right places {even though having served in our children's ministry before, I knew basically where to go, but it was still very different bringing our "own kid" in}, and she talked to me about a few basics while we headed over to the check-in counter.

Upon arriving at our large children's ministry check-in counter, I saw two familiar faces and felt more at ease, but still a bit uncertain of how this process would go. Thankfully it was really easy since we attend the church and our information is already in their system, so Parker was logged in as a guest under our information with just his basic info added. After we got the print-out tags for him to wear, for us to keep to turn in when we pick him up {and so that we'd have the code in case they had to put it on the small digital screens at the front of the auditorium if there was an issue or emergency with P}, and also to put his info on his diaper bag & sippy cup. It's a very efficient process, for which I'm very thankful. The whole time I knew Tim was talking to someone but until P was totally checked in, I didn't realize it was my coworker and his wife. Ironically Monica used to work closely with this guy, so we chatted and I introduced P to them and said "Dallas used to work with your mama!"

Given that P was looking particularly worried and skeptical at this point, I knew I shouldn't have reference mama the moment the words escaped my mouth. He said "mama?!" in a scared kind of way, and my heart totally went out to him. Tim helped keep him distracted as I talked with my coworker and his wife, who also helped make sure we got to the right room, which was thankfully just steps away. At this point, I was flustered enough and concerned enough about how P was going to do that I rambled on for a couple of minutes with the lady in the room about stuff P might need, what he likes, etc. Tim said later he thought the lady looked at me kinda funny, but seriously I couldn't care less, I just wanted to make sure she knew stuff she might need to about Parker since he'd never been there before. Tim set P inside the kid's room, and since his back was to us as he looked around, I bolted. I wasn't sure I could handle a tearful goodbye or anything of that sort, so since he wasn't looking, I got out of there fast.

I'm really thankful our church has a seamless process, especially considering that it's so large and could be really overwhelming and confusing. It gave me a perspective into how a visitor with kids might feel and it was insightful. I was glad to personally know so many people who were so sweet and helpful though! In the moment I wasn't seeing straight and felt flustered and overwhelmed, so I sent them all thank you cards later because I didn't think to say anything at the time. They were so sweet and such a God-send to me!

I must admit it was hard to focus on the sermon in church. But I got through it {somewhat emotionally}, and then was really excited to go get Parker picked up. I hesitated for a moment because I didn't want to be in the crazy crowd of people getting their kids right away. So just a couple minutes later as we walked to his room, we realized he was the kid we were hearing crying at the top of his lungs. *Gulp*

It was so sad. He'd just tripped over another kid and while he was technically fine, of course it sent him into tears. Loud tears. Once I had in my arms though, he saw me, and I sang his favorite little song into his ear, he was quiet and asking for water. Then piped up "Go?!" So sweet. We gathered our wits about us and joyfully left.

{In looking back there are parts of this process I really wish I'd done differently - you know those moments you replay constantly in your mind and wish you'd slowed down and thought through it more? Church was that for me that weekend. Like stopping to say thanks to the friends who helped me and the ladies who watched him in the classroom and realizing that he'd probably had papers for a craft project that we could take home....}

We headed straight back home, where we had a nice little snack of pretzels and grapes. We played around in the tent and with some toys for a bit. Then Tim very kindly made us a nice lunch of hot dogs and mac & cheese.

But because our church gets out a bit earlier than Parker's usually does, I think he was feeling a bit thrown off time-wise, and so while we were watching a little football on TV before naptime, Parker gathered all his nap items and laid down on top of me. It was a very sweet 15 minute cuddle time, and I enjoyed the relaxation and special time with Parker.

Another half hour or so of playing and it was time for his nap. We rested some again but also got a little more housework done that day while he napped.

He woke up a bit earlier than we'd hoped, but after I got him up around 3:45 I gave him a yogurt snack and then we all hung out and played.

Brian & Monica arrived practically on the nose of 4:30 to pick up Parker. And then things really got interesting. Monica had talked about how he's always good with other people but melts down or hypes up upon coming home or seeing mom & dad....

I said to Parker "look who's here!?!"

Parker walked up to the door and got a concerned look on his face, and as they came in, he started shaking his head, and said several times "No, daddy, nooooo!!" and ran down the hallway back toward "his room". After some consoling, talking him into giving hugs, and some more interaction, he slowly loosened up.

After all of that, he did pretty well for a while. We talked, played, caught up on life, and Tim & Brian ran out to pick up pizza.

Then we ate pizza and about halfway through pizza, Parker started losing it. And then, from my point of view, it was like a light switch went off and he had a complete meltdown. He'd be consoled by mama, get up to play, and within seconds meltdown again and run to mama. Shortly thereafter, they all left, and upon arriving home, it sounds like he did really well. It was just time for him to transition back home and know that he was safely back with mommy & daddy and that they weren't leaving him again. While at our house it was just too confusing and he wasn't sure what to expect or what was going on.

As soon as they left with him, I sat on the floor in his room and bawled. When it hit 7:30--his bedtime--I looked at the clock, said "it's Parker's bedtime" to Tim, and I cried.

For days I could still hear his giggle, his cry, his squeals throughout the rooms of our house. His pleas for wanting this or that. His sweet way he has about him. Our hallways echoed his voice for days. And during those days, I was pretty sure I might just go bonkers because I was hearing his voice in my head constantly.

I gave myself until Tuesday to see him. I could hardly stand the wait, but I also felt like we needed time to get back to normal. Apparently he couldn't stand it either. It was a sweet reunion.

---

We learned a lot over the course of that weekend.

Being in a position of "parenting" for 48 hours really does give you an entirely new perspective on the ins and outs of raising kids, even kids that you are around on a regular basis. I cannot imagine having done this with Parker if I wasn't completely familiar with Brian & Monica's child-rearing techniques, discipline, routine with him, tricks, etc. It was easy in that sense, there were no real guessing games we had to figure out.

It still amazes me how unfazed kids are by certain things that fluster us... and they are totally unaware. I'm very thankful for that!!

It also raised an awareness in me of just the kinds of things they really do notice. Like saying words you say. After that weekend he was saying "booyah", "whoopsie daisy", and "oh my goodness" a lot more! In fact the morning after he left our house, Monica texted me and said he woke up saying "booyah!" LOL!! Tim taught him that one, and then not long after that I said "booyah!" and Parker said "Tim?"

---

I think Parker enjoyed his time with us. No, I know he did. In his little 2 year old mind, I'm guessing he didn't fully understand it, but he also knew he was safe. That he was with his buddies Shell & Tim. That everything was going to be okay no matter what. When he got hurt {by falling chin first into something at our house}, he was safe in my arms. When he was at an unfamiliar church and fell, he was quickly safe in my arms.

He enjoyed new sights and sounds. New toys. Some of his favorite things while he was here were our green pillow/seat, vibrating bear slippers, vibrating/rotating/ lighting up/back massager, the exercise/rolling thingy, and the exercise ball.

I'm really thankful for even just those special little things. Those quiet moments of togetherness we had. The morning routine. The reading to him before bed. The sweet hugs and kisses. The saying please and thank you. The sweet way that kid has about him. The absolutely adorable looks he gives when he really wants something.

Tim had special time with P too and really seemed to enjoy having a little buddy to play with and be entertained by. It was amazing to watch.

And yes, let's be honest, we had those moments. Those "parenting" moments and disagreements of how things should be done. But alas, we made it through in one piece.

Well mostly one piece... with a bit of our hearts now officially missing.

Our house was better with child-filled happiness, giggles, sounds, and cries.

Even if said 2-year old is going on 4 and half my height. ;)

Our house seemed fuller. Different than when our house is filled with family - adults & kids together. It's different when you're taking care of the child on your own for two days.

There's a heartache and deep joy that wasn't there before.

**EDITED TO ADD**
Let me clarify something here too that I don't think was made as clear as it should have been:

We absolutely LOVED and DEEPLY ENJOYED our time together with Parker and this wonderful opportunity. We couldn't have felt more blessed to be given the responsibility and entrusted with his care. I don't regret it for one millisecond! We learned what it truly meant to be exhausted but to also have the deep reward for the sacrifices made during "parenting". That while tired, it was all incredibly worth it. That while there were moments I didn't know how I'd keep going and pushing through the Fibro stuff, they weren't as challenging as I thought. God got me through it all and in such a deeply rewarding way. I'm very, very thankful and overjoyed to have had this time with Parker. Loved, loved, loved it!! *

---

That weekend I felt like my life had meaning.

Ever since then, I've felt like a piece of my heart has been missing.

It's not just about Parker, despite how much I absolutely love & adore him. But thankfully I see him all the time. We have a very special and unique bond for not being family. He has me wrapped around his little finger. It's wonderful.

That's not the issue.

And I can't even begin to put into words all that I feel about all of this kid stuff. The heartache and cries out to God that I've had these past few weeks.

So I'm just not even going to try to explain it right now and just let it be what it is.

Tonight's Surprise

2011-12-08T23:06:00.003-06:00

A whirlwind day. Christmas parties galore. Exhausted. Fibro pain freaking out.

But after leaving hubster's work Christmas party, since I was only a few minutes away from a dear friend's house, I couldn't help but text her and see if she'd mind a sudden visit from yours truly.

Of course, being the wonderful lady she is, she graciously said "Come on over!"

And of course, I had every intention of staying no more than half an hour.

Sherah, Charlie, and Marty kept me entertained for a while, and after C was put to bed, I got almost an hour of one-on-one time alone with Sherah.

And I cannot even begin to tell you how badly I needed that. Even though I stayed for an hour and a half, I'm very thankful I did.

I left with a refreshed soul and renewed vigor.

Childhood Memories

2011-12-07T23:07:00.003-06:00

The week after my Grandpa passed away in September, I spent some time going through old childhood memories at his house with my dad and other family members. We found a ton of old photos.

Here are just a few of the pictures that I found of my brother & I. Pardon the quality, I just took pictures of them instead of scanning them. It's a whole drama to get them scanned around here.

Yes, I admit laziness, don't judge me.

Behind Grandpa's house, no idea what age

School pics from 7th grade (me) and 10th grade (Tim, brother)

My cheerleading pic from 7th grade {and yes, after my perm...)

Sometimes it's hard to believe that's the same person. ;)

Random Things About Me

2011-12-04T23:15:00.003-06:00

Just for total fun :) and because I can't think of anything else quick to write about {this is a post I write constantly behind the scenes and just cut & paste a few things from it when I'm drawing a blank on interesting things to write about... ;)}:

* I love all the Hallmark Christmas movies

* I think snakeskin feels cool

* I've never tried lobster

* I have to look away from the TV whenever there are major car races and accidents

* I love monster truck races, but have developed such a sensitivity to car accidents in recent years that a few years ago at a county fair's demolition derby, I started to feel really sick to my stomach and we left early

* I'm much better at, and love, organizing other people's houses and lives rather than my own

* I hate crust - on pies, bread, most pizza, or pop-tarts

* I have permanent braces on my bottom back teeth

* I grew up having the only bedroom on the 2nd floor of a very old farmhouse with a tin roof, making lightning storms especially frightening

* I grew up traveling across all 48 continuous states for 2 weeks camping every summer; mom's goal is to get us to Alaska in 2014 and Hawaii in 2020

* I've never drank an ounce of alcohol or touched a cigarette {but yes I have other issues; this is in no way a judgmental statement so please don't take it that way!}

* A favorite pastime growing up was playing in the hay barn - now I have horrible allergies, and a severe one to hay, go figure

* I grew up with a couple of cats {one at a time}, loved cats, and now find them irritating {and am, yes, really allergic to them}

* I love horses and most dogs

* A dream home for me would be a log cabin with a wraparound porch to see the sunrise and the sunset over the fields, on a lakeside with a large white fence surrounding a horse barn with at least two weeping willows over a bench next to the lake

* I've gone shooting in an open field with my dad & brother, and loved it

* We loved playing capture the flag in the woods growing up or wading in the creek

* I've always had wayyyyy more shoes than I wear {although I did finally organized them recently and donated a bunch to Haiti and Good Will}

* I don't care about matching jewelry - I have a gold ring and a silver watch, who cares

* I'm about the least fashion-minded person I know - I have probably 10 shirts in the same style and I don't care... once I find something that works for my body type & I feel comfortable in, I have a hard time going to anything else

* While I don't mind trying new things, once I find a favorite at a restaurant {even if it's the first thing I tried}, because I love it so much, it's hard for me to try anything else there

* I have anxiety issues and panic attacks totally at random, even in situations that I tend to feel comfortable in, it can often take me by surprise {praise God for medicine or I'm sure I'd have had multiple hospital visits by now!}

* I'm extremely temperature sensitive, and get anxious even about things like going to get pedicures because inevitably the water is too hot, they use hot lotion & hot towels, urggg, not relaxing for someone like me so I've finally learned to be vocal so I can enjoy it! {New location the last time & loved it! I have to pay a little more for the service I have to get, but it's worth it to me to not be freaking out.}

* Despite that I can't do it often with the Fibro, my favorite form of exercise is cardio kickboxing

* My favorite type of book is fiction, and this year I've read every excellent Christian living book I could get my hands on and haven't touched a single fiction book... until recently after watching the movie, I borrowed the book The Help from a friend

* My recent music purchase is Switchfoot's greatest hits

* I cannot have bangs, they drive me batty

* I can stay up late but hate getting up in the morning - like yesterday we stayed up until 2 a.m. and I got up at 11:30 a.m. Ahhhh. {Hence why I'm still awake right now... good thing I'm off work tomorrow, booyah!}

One Terrific Family

2011-12-03T21:15:00.003-06:00

My brother Tim is pretty much amazing. I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life. And he made a seriously grand decision when he asked Jeremi to be his wife. They're as rock solid and incredible as they come. And we absolutely adore their children. Olivia, Cayley, and Joshua are sweet gems that light up our lives on a regular basis.

We just had a mini-vacation with all of them at the end of October, and I absolutely cannot wait to see them in just over two weeks for our family Christmas!!!!

One of the members of the church my brother pastors is a photographer who offered to take the below pictures for them. Check them out... I just cannot stop starting at them! :)

Courtesy of Love's Me Photography, (c) 2011, Used with permission.
Do not repost or distribute without permission from the photographer.

It's Funny How That Goes

2011-12-01T13:35:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was quiet and slow.

Then...

WHAM.

Almost busiest. week. ever.

Catch my breath? Um, no.

Funny how that goes, isn't it? We're bored one minute and then we get completely slammed.

For me it's been in a good way... with many blessings, life events, extraordinary little moments, insane work days, fun memories of pulling our hair out with coworkers, trying to help each other not have a panic attack, and enjoying those little conversations, emails, texts, and calls of encouragement in the midst of the insanity. It's all totally worth it.

And yes, I am watching myself and my body's reaction carefully to make sure I'm not pushing too hard. Hopefully I'm gauging it correctly.

Now pardon me while I go back to spinning in a thousand different circles....

My Odd Friend Brian

2011-11-30T12:24:00.005-06:00

Don't worry, my post about our weekend with Parker is coming soon, I promise!

In the meantime, I have to say a few words about his daddy, Monica's hubby, my friend Brian. Today is his birthday, and we wish him the very, very best birthday ever!!!

Brian and his little family have become family to us. Really and truly. We absolutely love them to the nth degree, and I'm not sure where I'd be without them. They've poured new life into me in ways I couldn't ever begin to describe fully. They never judge me, but they keep it honest & true. They've taught me to expand my horizons, and dig deeper into an understanding of God than ever before. They've seen my tears, my laughing-so-hard-that-I'm-snorting, my craziness, my stupidity, and my funky-as-all-get-out side... and somehow, amazingly they still love me anyway.

That often baffles me.

It's never awkward, we can always be 100% real with each other, they'll keep my secrets, and I know they won't laugh in my face. Well, unless I deserve it.

Brian is like the kid brother I never had. He pours wisdom into me, knows when I need a good smack upside-the-head, and isn't afraid to lay the smack down when I screw up. He makes me laugh, and teaches me about tons of new things I never thought I'd care to know. But he doesn't talk down to me as he teaches me new ~~crap~~ stuff, and he doesn't care when I show up, when I crash on his couch, or how often I watch his kid.

I couldn't imagine a more perfect fit as a husband for my dearest friend Monica. They have an open door policy at their home, and it is regularly swinging for me, which I just love. Their home is like a second home to me, an escape from the craziness of my little world, and a safe zone where I know I can come laugh or cry or whatever. As people, they're amazing. As friends, they are as best as it comes. I admire them both and love them deeply.

His wife adores him and they are so good together

His musical, art, and fashion tastes always either crack me up or totally baffle me, but it's also sooo him

His son loves him like crazy, and Parker reminds me of Brian in so many ways....

And for a super special photography treat, please check out more of their amazing family here, courtesy of Kirra Sue Photography {love her!!}. I can't remember if I've posted this here before or not, but please go see all those great photos, and be sure to use Kirra for your next photo needs in the Chicagoland area.

Happy Birthday B! Hope it's amazingly special, just like you are!! :)

Thanksgiving & Disappointments

2011-11-28T22:15:00.007-06:00

I love Thanksgiving. I look forward to it every year. I love all the smells, the foods, the special time with family, and the time to focus on all that we're thankful for.

My sister-in-law Jeremi and I two years ago with our first turkey at our first ever Thanksgiving at my dad's house. And we were back in time for a meal with Tim's family here on Saturday!

The amazing assortment of food at my Grandpa's house with mom's family last year

Tim loves Black Friday. He talks about it for months, does research, finds early ads online, and is all about finding the big bargains. Get in, get out, and be done with the shopping and crowds.
{This year it's been even better because much of what he wanted, he found at huge discounts prior to Black Friday or at midnight that night online, and voila, no store shopping necessary.}

Thanksgiving this year was not as we'd pictured it.

Not even close.

Tim got sick. Plans were cancelled. Family wasn't seen all weekend. We were alone.

But it was still special in its own way. We made the best of it, enjoyed time alone together celebrating, just the two of us.

Tim's brother & sister-in-law's house was where we'd planned to go, but her parents were going to be there {whom we dearly love} and they'd been dealing with cancer, pneumonia, heart concerns, etc, and we especially didn't want to risk getting them sick!

I knew friends we could call, options we might have, but Tim was really miserable and he just really needed a few days of rest at home. No Black Friday shopping for him. {And yes, you'd better believe I went!}

I spent my days focusing a lot on Tim, our little family together, had some sweet time with the Lord, and special time reflecting on how thankful I am for all God's blessed us with.

We did enjoy it... despite the illness, despite not being with family on Thanksgiving, despite not having a special home-cooked meal {and being especially thankful for the wonderful people & prepared food at Boston Market that tasted yummy & was as close to home-cooked as we could get!, then later had a special meal with the ham I had on hand & my homemade mac & cheese}, and despite not being able to share my homemade pumpkin & cherry pies with family, we've been enjoying having more for us! {Eek, must. get. on. treadmill!}

Our table decorations - the turkey is an heirloom from my Grandma D. It opens up in the middle. Love. I enjoy putting homemade cookies and other goodies in there.

This year's yummy Boston Market food :) - notice we broke out our Christmas plates!

My homemade pies (w/ purchased crust), along with the pie that came with the meal at Boston Market {the one with the lid on it}... which we haven't touched yet. But you couldn't get the meal without it.

Plans change, things fall through, disappointments happen, people get sick, and life goes on.

But a couple days into all of this and the antsy-ness hit. That lonely ache deep down. That feeling you only get from being away from family and loved ones.

It was hard.

I got sick over Easter this year. Now I feel like I'm waiting for the ball to drop on Christmas. :(

But instead of letting that antsy & depressed feeling totally take me over yesterday, I got up and kept moving. I'm exhausted, but not too depleted because I knew my limits and when to chill out.

Over the course of the weekend, we watched oodles of football, watched the Thanksgiving Day parade of course, favorites Elf and Home Alone {those are the ones I have to watch ON Thanksgiving!}, watched tons of other Christmas movies {thank you Hallmark & Lifetime!}, took down the Fall decorations and put up the Christmas ones {still in progress--and that one's all me except Tim helps put the tree up}, dreamt together and made plans for our house, snuggle time :), and listened to Christmas music via David Crowder, Josh Groban, Enya, Travis Cottrell, Mannheim Steamroller, & MercyMe.

Yes, it's been a somewhat lonely, quiet Thanksgiving. An introspective, reflective Thanksgiving. A homesick-but-still-glad-I'm-not-traveling Thanksgiving.

An at the end of 4 straight days alone at home {for the most part} together hubster & I are trying not to be too sick of each other Thanksgiving. ;)

But the last minute change of plans haven't made me any less thankful or happy.

How was yours??

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2011-11-23T22:56:00.006-06:00

I'm still working on my very long post about last weekend's experience babysitting a 2 year old for 2 days. I can't wait to share it all with you, but it's not only been a tough post to write, I'm also having a hard time keeping it short. ;) So alas, it'll have to wait a bit, there are just more important things right now... like with Thanksgiving tomorrow!

This is the first year in two years that we haven't traveled over Thanksgiving. And I must admit, I'm really happy about that! I think we needed a traveling break, and since we've both been fighting colds, it's even better! Plus getting to shop our Chicago area stores on Black Friday also makes us uber happy. :)

Whoop whoop!

Tomorrow we'll be sleeping in a little, I'll be doing some baking & cooking, watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade {I flip between NYC & Chicago's}, and then we'll head over to Tim's brother's house for the big feast with part of his family as well as his sister-in-law's family. I'm really stoked! Then we'll likely wrap up the day by watching either Elf or Home Alone, and looking at all the Black Friday ads.

In the meantime, I wanted to leave you with a post from my favorite inspirational blog, (in)courage, in preparation for this wonderful holiday:

While I want to feed tummies, more importantly, my desire is to feed souls.

Will you join me in re-evaluating the check list and prioritizing the essentials for your weekend?

I’ve scribbled my new “To-Do” List.

Feed Gratitude. As I nurture this quality, joy thrives.
Feed Flexibility. Our best laid plans may not happen. Guests will be late. Food may get cold, but in the scheme of things, it’s nothing.
Feed Patience. (Lots of Patience) A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. Proverbs 15:18Feed Laughter. There’s nothing better than cultivating an atmosphere of deep belly laughing after a satisfying meal.
Feed Contentment. With all the Black Friday Sales, it’s difficult to remember the balance of “need vs. want.”
Feed Compassion. Even though Old Aunt Sue has shared the same story for the fifteenth time, make her feel as if it is the first.
Feed Encouragement. We’re fragile. A blessed word makes hearts soar.
Feed Forgiveness. This is the year. Lay it at His feet. Let our Lord carry the burden. Extend forgiveness. Experience freedom.

As I savor the moments of family time this weekend, my “To Do” List reminds me: Feed Them.

Read the rest here at (in)courage.

May you & your family find Thanksgiving to be a blessing, and may you spend it focusing on all of the positives in your life... no matter what they are. Big or small, spend some time tomorrow just being grateful.

I am very thankful for all of you - my blogging friends!!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Elevators & Thankfulness

2011-11-22T10:00:00.004-06:00

The elevator in our office was broken for about 7 weeks.

Unfortunately the motor or something major broke and it was a huge expense. For a small company, these things can add up. It certainly wasn't an urgent matter because we don't have anyone in the company who requires an elevator.

I'm probably one of just a handful of people who are keeping track and really care. Like when our distribution manager (warehouse) has to lug 40 reams of paper up the stairs. Or when I need to distribute samples of our catalogs throughout the offices... usually on a cart for downstairs & upstairs.

You can't exactly push a cart up the stairs.

Or on a day where my pain is through the roof, the last thing I wanted to do was go up and down the stairs 10 times.

Thankfully I have great coworkers who were willing to help with running errands, or if I saw a coworker whose office was near the person who needed something from me I asked them to drop it off. They all graciously agreed - it wasn't a huge deal.

My coworkers are amazing.

I make myself go up the stairs at least twice a day if not more, but it's the horrific pain days where that's just not feasible and I had to take it really slowly.

But last Monday it was finally fixed, holla!

As frustrating as it was, and as much as I avoided going downstairs just for the sake of my pain levels that day, I also found ways to be thankful for such an inconvenience. God used it to teach me more of leaning on him and remembering to not make a big deal out of the little stuff.

Houseguest

2011-11-18T21:26:00.003-06:00

This weekend we are helping our dear friends Brian & Monica have a much-needed stay-cation together as they prepare themselves for baby #2 due in just over 2 months.

We are watching their 2-year old boy Parker - I picked him up right after work, and they'll come pick him back up Sunday after his nap. We are so excited & grateful to be such a big part of their lives, and to have him know us so well. I've been his main babysitter since day one, I'm at their house 1-4 times a week depending, and I dearly love Monica & Brian as if they are my family. It's been such a joy to watch Parker grow weekly, sometimes daily. I love him so much, as if he's my own flesh and blood.

We are a bit anxious about the whole being-responsible-for-another-person's-child thing for a full weekend, but we are also loving it!! He's such a hoot!

Hubster

2011-11-17T22:09:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've bragged on my hubster, and I thought it was high time I did so.

11 years is a long time in this day and age to be married to someone, and I'm so thankful to have Tim by my side. We are imperfect people who struggle in our marriage a lot, but we are also very much in love and are so thankful to have each other. God has been good to us, despite some wicked turns and nasty spirals. We've been blessed with great friends and family who help keep us grounded. We are not giving up and throwing in the towel when it gets tough {and believe me, it has}; instead we fight for our marriage through thick and thin!!

Tim does so much for me and sacrifices so much as a result of the Fibromyalgia. It doesn't just affect me, of course it affects him a great deal too.

Thank you honey! I cannot imagine life without you by my side! To keep me laughing, crying, rejoicing, struggling, loving, learning, growing, and laughing some more together. You are a treasure and I'm so blessed by you, even when I don't always show it!!

My Fall TV Schedule

2011-11-16T21:47:00.000-06:00

You know I'm a TV junkie and entertainment geek - and I can't help but get excited when my friend Mary posts about TV and I actually have time to write a return post! :)

We. are. nerds.

Monday:

How I Met Your Mother (thanks to Mary for introducing us to this hilariousness!!)

2 Broke Girls (oddly hilarious, somewhat irritating, but still intriguing)

Mike & Molly (sometimes laugh so hard at this that I fall over or can't breathe!)

Hawaii Five-O

image credit

Tuesday:

NCIS

NCIS: LA

Flashpoint (on ION now instead of CBS - 2nd best show ever)

New Girl (we watch it later - so so so so funny & refreshing)

Wednesday:

Nothing (ahhhh)

Thursday:

The Big Bang Theory (horrible name and some concepts I don't like, but so ridiculously funny)

Rules of Engagement (although this show is starting to irritate me in the annoyingness that is David Spade's character, otherwise pretty funny)

Person of Interest (very intriguing concept. need some character development or it will grow dull quick. love these actors though!)

Friday:

Chuck (duh!) :) best. show. ever.

A Gifted Man (so sad this is slated to likely be cancelled - don't know why I love this show so much!)

Blue Bloods (love.)

Sunday:

The Good Wife (this has some weird stuff I sometimes feel ready to give up on it, but I'm always still intrigued too much to let it go completely....)

Gave up on:

Unforgettable, The Mentalist, Up All Night, and Free Agents (later cancelled anyway).

What are you watching and enjoying?

Plan a Fabulous Party {without losing your mind} E-Book Discount

2011-11-14T20:58:00.001-06:00

I'm so excited.

I love blogging. I love friends I meet through blogging. I love publishing. I love working for a publisher. And I love technology which allows us the wonderful world of e-books!!

So without further ado... let me introduce you to my wonderful blogging friend Mary. She has launched her first e-book titled Plan a Fabulous Party {without losing your mind}!

I have my copy of it and cannot wait to get through it!!!!

But for now I couldn't wait to share a special discount with you. Through tomorrow 11/15/11, when you place an order here using code FABPARTY you'll receive $3.00 off the cost!

The only stipulation is that I hope you'll let Mary know you bought it, found out about it through me, and let her know what you think! {Please also come back and tell me too because I'm curious. :)}

As always, I'd also love to hear from you at rochellelearning at gmail dot com {spelled out that way to hopefully avoid more spam!}.

Enjoy friends, and party like never before!!

Fibromyalgia & Medication

2011-11-13T13:00:00.003-06:00

I'm really frustrated & overwhelmed by the lack of good medication out there for Fibromyalgia.

I've been on Elavil {also known as Amitriptyline} so far for the entirety of my 5 plus years will this illness. My original doctor prescribed it to me in a low-dose since in the lower dosage, anti-depressant medication has proven to be effective with relieving pain and helping with sleep.

I'd increased from 5 mg to 10 mg a little over time, and then the next dose up was 25 mg but we cut it in half initially. Eventually I went up to 25 mg but it made me a little drowsier than I liked. {I'm pretty sensitive to drowsiness side effects...and medications in general.} I fought through that for a bit and found it seemed to help.

For at least a year or so I went on like that, but then started to second-guess its effectiveness. I wasn't convinced it was working at all. So I thought I'd try going off of it and just working on lifestyle changes instead.

That failed.

I couldn't sleep at all without that medication. Lack of sleep flares up the pain as well so I was absolutely miserable.

Then out came Lyrica and after a time on the market, my rheumatologist thought it best to put me on it. {This was combined with the Elavil.} I tried Lyrica for a short time and had an awful experience with it, in part because my drowsiness became soooo bad, I could hardly function. We decided to go back to just the Elavil. I left that rheumatologist and continued working with just my doctor instead.

Ever since then, I've continued with just using a half pill of the 25mg of Elavil. I sleep okay. My pain levels are relatively okay. That dosage doesn't make me drowsy anymore.

But I've been really frustrated by the side effects, and my increasing sensitivity to the sun is driving me absolutely bonkers.

Thursday morning I had my annual physical with my doctor. It was wonderful. I could rave forever about my amazing doctor and how thankful I am that she's a Christian... but I'll spare you. ;) Needless to say, we talked at length in June when I was there about medications, I did a lot of research, heard from others some good suggestions, did lots more research, and talked in even more length this visit with my doc about medication options.

The long and short of it is that I'm going to stay on Elavil. *sigh*

I've generally made my peace with it, except the sun sensitivity thing really bothers me. But the difficulty is that most of the Fibromyalgia specific meds out there are not good for pregnancy, if I were to get pregnant I'd need to immediately go back off of them. Since we're kinda trying to get pregnant [er, at least not preventing], changing at this time doesn't make a lot of sense. And some of the other meds that could be safe for pregnancy, I'm not really sure I'd want to do that anyway.

It's been determined that staying on this medication is the best thing for me. And the good outweighs the bad.

Another benefit of staying on Elavil is that it means I don't have to adjust any of my medications. Safe. Stable. Secure. No changes.

Ahhhh. Sometimes dealing with an illness like this we just need some things in our lives to remain stable. Stuff like medications, doctors, etc.

Despite my frustration with this current medication, adjusting to a new one also brings along other fears and concerns that I'm not sure I feel like dealing with right now. So alas, I play it safe and keep on keeping on.

For now.

Latest Events in the World

2011-11-12T20:14:00.001-06:00

I'm sure you've been frustrated by what's been in the news lately. Here are some of the blog perspectives that I've recently read, not always agreeing with them 100%, but appreciating their viewpoints greatly as they aren't geared the same way the media is toward the extremes.

The first two are about the Cain situation, the last three are about the Penn State/Sandusky situation. The last three, I think, are the most important, moving ones to read.

The Scriptorium

Ann Coulter

The Gospel Coalition: Justin Taylor

The Gospel Coalition: Tim Henderson

Strawberry-Rhubarb Theology

God help us all.

Chess

2011-11-10T22:28:00.004-06:00

My brother was an excellent teacher and taught me how to play chess & checkers well when we were younger.

But it's been a very long time since I've really played chess intently. It was still really exciting on vacation to enter the lodge's great room and see a life-size chess board.

We messed around with the board a couple of times. But on Saturday morning after Tim & Jeremi {bro & sis-in-law} left quickly to get Joshua {6 mth old nephew} to the ER {where they found out he had croup}, Jerry {stepdad} & Tim {hubster} decided to give the girls a lesson on playing chess. It was a really neat way for them to learn how to play and the girls really enjoyed moving the pieces wherever they were told.

But, as can be expected, Jerry & Tim took the game seriously.

After a half an hour or so of play, and Tim & Olivia having gotten about 5 of Jerry & Cayley's pieces off the board, Cayley was begging to be able to move one of their pieces off. She didn't care about the game at this point, she just wanted an excuse to get rid of one of T & O's pieces!! Jerry was so intent and did not want to be beat, but finally about two rounds later Cayley got her wish and she was SO happy!

and they were not.

About 40 minutes into it the girls were fading fast, so I took pictures of them sitting around. Waiting.

They were not understanding all this strategy stuff.

And getting a bit loopey.

50 minutes in and mom & I were ready for it to be over too. Finally an hour later Tim directed Olivia on one more move and saying the words "check mate". We all sighed a huge sigh of relief.

It was enjoyable and a cool lesson for the girls, but one hour of the game was maybe a little over the top. But we're still glad we did it, and it was a nice end to the trip! After that it was time to pack up and leave.

The winners:

The Luggage Debate

2011-11-09T19:27:00.003-06:00

I'm sure you can guess whose is whose:

And you'd be right.

Blah

2011-11-08T09:00:00.003-06:00

A dear friend of mine and I talked recently about how we are in a bit of a funk.

Life is good. We have no real complaints. Nothing major is going on in our lives.

We have no tears, no huge laughs... just going about our lives as usual.

We just feel blah.

Have you ever been in a funk? No real words to describe it, nothing wrong necessarily, but you just feel kind of ho-hum about life? You're thankful and you know God is good, but you just feel like things are okay and life is just going on around you?

I have no answers, no real words of wisdom or encouragement.

Just being real and throwing this out there. This is where I'm at right now.

So... how are you today - really?

Surrounded by Beauty on Vacation

2011-11-06T22:07:00.000-06:00

Last weekend we joined my family and went to a gorgeous state park & stayed in their beautiful lodge. We were surrounded by beauty on all sides and it was wonderful to just be able to soak it all in.

the drive there...

the front entry circle at the lodge...

the view from our window...

from behind the lodge's great room, overlooking the Illinois River...

from the hike in the state park... {taken by hubster}

driving to dinner after riding a ferry to the other side of the IL River...

a beautiful walk early Saturday morning by myself on the lodge grounds...

driving away...

*sigh* I miss it already!!

Morning vs. Night People and All that Timing Stuff

2011-11-03T21:47:00.004-05:00

Tim is a morning person, I'm a night person.

He talks too much too early in the morning, I talk too much too late at night.

But we are both minimalists when it comes to our morning routine, and neither of us get up early enough to eat breakfast before leaving home. And really, Tim just isn't big on breakfast. He likes the food, but isn't into eating first thing in the morning. I am just in too much of a rush because I get up at the last possible minute so I eat breakfast at my desk while I work.

Because, if you know me at all, you know mornings are not my thing... I'm really not functional until after 10 a.m. I can stay up late easily, but mornings... blech. {And yes I felt this way even prior to Fibro and all the morning stiffness/fogginess stuff that's come along with that.}

I love the concept, don't get me wrong. I love the sunrise, I love the peace & quiet, I love the stillness of it on vacation {yes I got up on vacation and even took walks by myself in the beautiful surroundings before we all met up for breakfast!!}, and I love to do what I can that early in the morning with no big distractions. But it doesn't work for me in real, every day life.

Lunch of course is in the middle of the day, whatever we have planned, no big deal. I have a tough time figuring out lunches on the weekends since I want to try to go beyond the regular sandwich so I mix it up and experiment whenever I can.

Tim has an hour-plus commute each way, doesn't have a paid lunch hour, and gets home later in the evening {let's just put it this way, he's gone 11 hours every day}. So we eat dinner around 7 p.m. {yes, I usually have a snack!}. When we have guests, it tends to be the same because I'm so used to it that I don't really think beyond that. Thankfully I have gracious guests who sometimes kindly remind me that they are in fact starving.

One of the predicaments of family vacation, traveling, holidays, etc, is agreeing on the time we eat. We try to just go with the flow but it's not always easy.

When we were about an hour from our recent vacation, I texted my brother to let him know when we'd get there. He texted back and said "drive fast, we're hungry, we wanna eat".

It was 4 p.m.

I laughed.

He was serious.

Not surprising.

Thankfully my brother and I are alike in the non-morning person category. Praise God! We can sit together and stare at nothing for an hour and would be okay with not talking the whole time, especially before caffeine... but we could talk each other's ear off at midnight. My mom lovesssss mornings and falls over if she's up past 10.

My mom & stepdad usually eat breakfast by 7:30 a.m. So I get up when we're with them to make sure I eat with them. My brother & his family get up later if they can, especially with the baby being sick on vacation. Breakfast was around 8/8:30... ahhhh. :)

And dinner on vacation was about 5:30. On the second night there as we were laying in bed watching TV in our lodge room {because you can do that sort of thing on vacation} about 9:30 p.m. and Tim piped up "wanna order a pizza??"

I about fell off the bed, it was so funny! And timely. We'd eaten so early compared to our usual schedules that we were really hungry right before bed!! {But no, it was really a joke, we did not order a pizza.}

How do you handle your schedules with family on vacations? How different are you and your loved ones on the morning vs. night thing? Which one are you?

In the Midst of...

2011-11-02T21:13:00.001-05:00

...my coworker Adam making me laugh so hard this morning I nearly spit all the water I was drinking at the moment back out on him.

...my coworkers Aaron & Kevin spontaneously dancing robotically in my office to humor me and running away as fast as they could when I pulled out my phone to take a picture... punks.

...a coworker's wife making us some of the best pumpkin bread we've ever had... and sharing the recipe with me {yay!}.

...an amazing lunch with two current and one former coworkers -- the four of us used to do lunches together all the time and it was super, super nice to have the crew back together.

...getting a gift from a friend that has more precious, special, wonderful meaning to me than she may ever possibly fathom.

...coming back to work after days away and remembering why I love this place so much.

In the midst of all these positive things, I'm fondly thinking of God's deep love for me, and his mercy poured out anew every day. I'm overflowing with thankfulness today.

Image credit

As we spend the month of November preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and reflecting on all we have to be thankful for even often in the midst of deep sorrow and heartache... let's really challenge ourselves to focus on all of the positives in our lives!

Leaves

2011-11-01T09:00:00.001-05:00

Leaves are some of my favorite little things. I love the different ways they look, the bright and varied colors, the crunch as they fall to the ground, the slushiness when they're all wet and gooky, and the wide variety of shapes. So cool!

Unfortunately my allergies are not a fan, but I don't care. Last weekend before we went on vacation we decided it was high time to rake up all the leaves going crazy in our driveway and side yard.

Ahhhh. Good times. Happy to have it done too! :)

Happy Halloween Edited to Add

2011-10-31T17:25:00.004-05:00

Since we don't really get into Halloween around here {in part because we live in a neighborhood tucked back away from things and hardly have anyone come to our door and because we don't have kids to dress up in fun costumes}, here's the best I can do:

Happy Halloween from nieces Cayley & Olivia!

*edited to add*

and Parker! :)

*pics taken by their parents

Migraines

2011-10-31T13:54:00.003-05:00

I started having migraines years ago, prior to Fibromyalgia, so I don't think the two are linked for me.

My first migraine wasn't long after we were married {maybe a year or two}. We were driving into Chicago to visit my aunt and her family at Christmas time. I was having a bad headache but took some Ibuprofen and thought it'd go away. Not too long after arriving, I ended up in the bathroom throwing up due to the intense pressure in my head. Which of course was really embarrassing and we left shortly after. {My aunt was so sweet about it all, I'm so glad!} I did some research later online to figure out what was going on, and for the first time started learning more about migraines. I'd never known they could be so rough!

Then a couple years later I started seeing auras around my eyes at work, and lost part of my vision suddenly. I had no other symptoms and it was really, really frightening. I went to a coworker nearby who was able to help me, got me calmed down, got me into an emergency eye doctor appointment, and after a couple of hours and an increase in symptoms, I learned I had a migraine. It was so strange to me because it didn't start out with any headache pains. Armed with medicine and a better idea of what was going on, I felt a little better. The rest of the day I had to wear sunglasses and keep my office lights off. I was really sensitive to lights and sounds. But I'm glad I knew what was going on and I just had to relax and slowly let it go away until hubster could come pick me up.

As a result of that, I was able to recognize it last night when I started suddenly seeing auras/rainbows in my eyes, and lost portions of my vision for a time. Within a half hour or so, the intensity of the pressure in my head was nearly unbearable.

I took an Excedrin migraine, got away from sounds and lights, put a cold cloth over my eyes, drank oodles of water, propped up on pillows, and tried to relax. {Hubster got me set up with all of that, he was so so so great!!!} Unfortunately I woke up this morning with it still lingering and creating some intense pressure. It wasn't as bad as the night before, but still not good. It would have been better if I could have really slept. :-/ Thankfully it's dissipating more as the day goes on, and it definitely helped to take a shower and relax.

I had a very special visit from a friend and her son late this morning to help cheer me up, which was so very sweet. And now I'm curled up under a new, lovely, sweet blanket that's warm, cozy, and very special. :)

Migraines are invisible and hard to understand how sick they make people if you've never had it... just like with Fibro. It can be so frustrating to feel so sick but not visibly have any other symptoms. I'm irritated to not be able to be at work, after such a refreshing vacation I was actually really looking forward to getting back and starting up a new process for something today, so I'm bummed but it is what it is.... {yes, I crazy love my job like that!} But I also know the wisest thing for me was to rest and not push it too hard, especially with so many in my family getting so sick!!

Speaking of which... on one more sickly note, my brother was coughing up blood this morning, Jeremi got him to the hospital right away, and he was diagnosed with pneumonia. Man! Please pray everyone will feel better soon.

Back from Vacation

2011-10-30T18:47:00.002-05:00

We got back safely yesterday evening from a wonderful mini-vacation with my family. {Yes, I pre-scheduled several posts for your enjoyment :) while I was away.}

My mom, stepdad, brother, sister-in-law, 2 nieces, and nephew all enjoyed a partial 3 day, 2 night vacation to Pere Marquette State Park in Grafton, IL.

It was absolutely incredible!! We had such a great time together, it was quiet, peaceful, & relaxing, a neat getaway, and a perfect place to hang out together as a family. Their lodge is gorgeous, the grounds are amazing, and the Fall foliage was stunning!!

It was perfect.

Except... my brother's family had been sick the previous week - Olivia had a bad cold, Tim had a nasty flu, and Joshua {6 mths} was just on the brink of getting sick {they thought with just a cold probably}.

We arrived Thursday afternoon and by Friday morning Josh sounded awful. He had a nasty cough and was really congested, but he was in a good mood, eating fine, and not fussy. Later on he had a low-grade fever and started getting fussier. Jeremi & I stayed behind with him throughout the day to keep an eye on him, and to make sure he rested and didn't get worse.

After his long nap {nearly 3 hrs}, he seemed a lot better - not great, but at least he wasn't lethargic and was still smiley and in good spirits. However, when he awoke Saturday morning he was worse. His barking cough was more intense, he was wheezing, having more trouble breathing, and he was extremely fussy. Tim & Jeremi left quickly from the lodge {leaving the girls to stay with all of us and ride back with mom & Jerry, so they could focus on Josh} and got him to the ER and got him checked out right away.

A couple breathing treatments, some medications, X-Rays, and several hours later revealed little Joshua has croup!!!! :( So so sad. We are thankful that he is okay but so sad that he got so sick. On the plus side, the doctors let them choose whether or not to stay at the hospital {since Jeremi's a nurse, has a stethoscope and nebulizer machine at home and can keep a close eye on him, and since they don't live far from the hospital} and so they chose to take him home where he'd be more comfortable. My brother texted me later to say Josh had a big grin on his face when they walked in the door at home. He rested much more comfortably and was enjoying the benefits of the warm mist vaporizer the moment during nap time. :)

From this face when I was watching him Friday night while his parents went on a 30 minute or so walk, who would have guessed he was so sick?

I mean really. How cute is he?!?!?!

We praise God for Josh and are so thankful he's okay despite a brief scare. And we're thankful for such a good time away with family at just the perfect time & place.

Uniqueness

2011-10-28T19:00:00.001-05:00

When we moved into our house, Tim immediately looked at our kitchen and wanted to put in an old-looking phone.

We love it. It's unique and it's fun.

Every time I look at it lately, I think about how unique it is... and how unique each of us as individuals are.

With our own little quirks, different noses, different body types, different face shapes, different opinions and insights, different hair, and on and on....

It's truly amazing isn't it?! God made each of us unique in His image. I am in awe.

Matthew 10:30-31

Tim's Second 5K

2011-10-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday Tim ran his second 5k this year {and ever!}. I'm so incredibly proud of him!!! He did a great job!

It all started off bright & early, and we saw a beautiful sunrise on our way to the northwestern suburbs.

Upon arriving we met up with some friends and chatted for a bit while trying to move around enough to keep warm. Most of the runners were prepped for the run... not for standing around for 45 minutes in 38 degree weather!

Just before the race was about to start, Tim's sister, her husband Bonga, and baby Toby came. We were so excited they were there for it! Bonga is from South Africa and runs marathons all the time, so this 5k was no big deal for him. But it was still really neat that he participated, we were so glad he was there!

Bonga coming around the bend

and crossing the finish line!

Tim coming around the bend

and since his first 5k I messed up his finish line picture, he wanted me to do this one on high-speed, the camera was deciding to freak out, and it ended up being zoomed in when I didn't want it to be so my high-speed is super-close-up to his face. This was really the only good pic as he was starting to cross the finish line. :-/ I feel sooooo bad I keep screwing this up!!!

And they're done, woohoo! :)

Toby showing off his new mad walking skillz

Later on nearby at Tim & Kandy's mom's house

Really enjoyed hanging out with my little buddy!

Congrats again to Tim on finishing his 2nd 5k race, so very, very proud of him!!! :)

The Little Things

2011-10-27T10:00:00.001-05:00

Sometimes it's just the little things in life that make all the difference.

Like when your Grandpa's visitation is starting up and the family is on edge, and the funeral home staff bring out a tray of water, cups, mints, and hand sanitizer {which immediately made me pipe up to my germaphobic brother and he came running for his first dose of it!}.

Like when you're having a rough pain day and a coworker who has been gone on her honeymoon for two weeks talks you into doing lunch even though you're not sure you can manage it, and the fresh air, conversation, laughs, talking about weddings & honeymoons end up being exactly what you need!

Like when you've already made 3 stops on the way home and you're frustrated that you need to stop again to get milk, and hubster offers to do it for you.

Like when you're physically beaten down from laundry, running amok, helping rake leaves before suddenly realizing you've overdone it, and hubster offers to finish getting the last of the laundry from the dryer.

Like when you're on empty and a dear friend sends you an encouraging email with a reminder that you're everything you need to be for that friendship and that you'll never lose them no matter how real you get, how much you aren't around, or how much you mess up.

Like when you post on Facebook that you're in excruciating pain & fatigue and people lift you up in prayer.

Like when you don't think you can take another step and you pray for God to give you the strength to carry on, and suddenly you've done more things in the past half hour than you thought possible in your condition.

Like when you acknowledge that you badly need a vacation... and remember oh yeah, you're about to go on one!!!

Like when you're freezinggggg cold and wondering if you'll run into anyone to talk to at the church's 5k run on a different campus, and suddenly your sister-in-law, brother-in-law, & 1 year old nephew show up. Ahhh.

GOD IS SO GOOD!

Joshua

2011-10-26T19:46:00.000-05:00

Check out my precious, sweet, adorable nephew Joshua who is 6 months old today!!!! :)

T -24 hours until I get to see and hold and love on him, whoop whoop!

An Update & Visitors

2011-10-26T09:30:00.004-05:00

I've had trouble keeping up with telling you all the things that have gone on around here, so I thought I'd do a complete post.

It's hard to believe it's been over 6 months since two of our very dear friends got married, and I still haven't posted the pictures I've wanted to on it. There were some mishaps with our camera, and we had to go to our old 35mm for this event. The photo place messed up and we still don't have them digitally in a good way, so alas, I wait. We were heavily involved the wedding and it was really, really special. So I really hope to get to this soon.

It's hard to believe it's been over 5 months since we went on vacation to California... and I still haven't done the posts I wanted to on it. *sigh* Where does the time go? So to tide me over for now, here's one of my favorite scenic pictures from Santa Barbara:

I still haven't posted the wonderful happenings of our company's annual picnic.

And I still haven't done the posts about Grandpa, his funeral, and all that I went through during that time. I'm still just not quite there yet.

I'm heading out on a mini-vacation with my family shortly, and I'll probably neglect to post about that for 6 months. Then Thanksgiving & Christmas will be here before we know it.

Seriously, where does the time go??

I know that this may not be as big of a deal for you all, but to me it's really important to try to keep up, especially because this blog is very much like a journal for me. Whether people look at my life's happenings and pictures or not, it's been healing for me to have it here. To be able to look back and know that I didn't just sit around and watch life pass me by while I sat screaming in pain.

But that instead I grabbed life and took hold, and did what I could, and enjoyed the crap out of it.

Because I don't want my life to be all about me having Fibromyalgia. I want to really LIVE.

With all that said, here's more on what's been happening the past few weeks with visitors and fun! :)

To get us kicked off, I had a recent wonderful surprise Monday morning visit from Monica & the ever-so-quickly-growing-up Parker! :)

Had a wonderful time a few weekends ago with my dad. We had a lot of good conversation between going out for breakfast, shopping at LL Bean and REI, with lunch along with hubster at Chick-fil-A, shopping at Cabela's, and hanging out at the house with some homemade cookies & strawberry lemonade. We went through more of Grandpa's stuff. We talked a lot about... a lot. Things that needed to be said. Questions that needed to be asked. Memories that needed to be shared.

It was great. One of the best times I've had with dad in a while. I'm so incredibly thankful!!! I just wish I'd taken more pictures! And this one he doesn't even realize I took....

Dad enjoying his Chick-fil-A :)

So for the following weekend {which was now 2 weekends ago}, I took tons of pictures! Mom & Jerry were here for 4 days and we had a great time together.

Mom & Jerry at the showing of Courageous - they loved it!!!! :)

At Chick-fil-A

Then we went to a nearby pumpkin patch & produce farm, and we took oodles of pics...

And yes I feel like a bit of a dork in that big hat, but I'm super sun-sensitive so it goes with me even in 50 degree temperatures. It really, really helps! So I don't care if I look like a dork, deal with it. :)

And hey, the hat adds a couple inches to my height. Maybe I should wear it more often....

After a bit of relaxing {er, napping for me & Jerry!}, we headed out to the nearby river trail for a 5-mile evening bike ride. It was chilly but beautiful weather, and perfect for me since it wasn't hot and it was while the sun was going down. Soooo beautiful - we loved it!!

We love to race up the bridge that overlooks the river, then race down it into a park without peddling to see who gets the furthest. Then race back up! This time I was in a lot of pain so Tim & I stayed back and got a kick out of watching mom & Jerry race instead. Aren't they so cute?!

Saturday night Tim grilled us some burgers and we whipped up some of that corn on the cob we bought earlier that day, and used some juicy tomatoes we bought earlier that day to top off the burgers! Yumm!! Yay for fresh produce!

After that we enjoyed some caramel apples from the farm while we showed mom & Jerry The Grace Card.

Upon getting up on Sunday mom helped me prepare a pulled pork crockpot meal to have later for dinner. The rest of the day was pretty relaxing with church, sharing a meal at our favorite local cafe, mom helping me organize parts of the house, enjoyed some fresh apple cider and apple cider donuts, and mom helped me make a fresh homemade apple crisp!! Yay for time with mom in the kitchen!!

It tasted way better than it looks here before we made sandwiches out of it! At least the first time... after having leftovers in different forms this week, I'm okay if I don't eat pulled pork for quite some time!!

So thankful for incredible time with family, which has been really needed lately. I hope you are all getting out, enjoying the good things about Fall, and are doing well!

Close Call

2011-10-25T13:00:00.002-05:00

About 3 weeks ago, on my way home after work from a friend's house, I came the closest I've ever come to being in what very well could have been a fatal car accident.

It shook me to my very core.

You see, car accidents are a major fear of mine. I've been in enough of them to understand how it all works {only 1 was my fault, kind of}, and I came as close as I can imagine to losing hubster to a car accident except that he managed to walk away with just minor scrapes and bruises.

In the midst of my fears over losing a loved one tragically in a sudden accident, or getting into a bad accident myself... God quickly reminded me of his sovereignty over all circumstances.

Fearing it isn't going to change it. I've always known that, but somehow being afraid and imagining it happening to me makes it a bit easier to swallow when it actually does. It's a defense mechanism for me.

That extremely close call I had {with a car running a red light, as I turned left at a light, he would have hit smack into my driver's side door if God's protection... and some screeching, veering, and honking hadn't taken place just in the knick of time} made me really reflect. After I walked into the door at home just a few minutes later, after the hyperventilating-freaking-out moment ended, it really struck me how deeply wrong I'd been in that moment.

How wrong of me to somehow try to control things by fearing them. How wrong of me to think that some large amount of fear on my part would make God rethink his plans for me.

Fear and anxiety is not something easy to get rid of, but I'm working on it, especially in this area. I truly do believe God is sovereign... it's time I truly started acting like it.

This video of Matt Chandler {really just his voice, but I love what he says here} really makes it all that much more real to me.

Nobody dies early. Nobody. God's got it all under control.

Fabulous Friday - Family Vaca

2011-10-21T10:30:00.002-05:00

T-6 days

until a family vacation

with these wonderful little squirts

wa-hoooooooo!!!!!!! :)

Hope you have a Fabulous Friday & a wonderful weekend!
House-bound, loving on your kids, enjoying the last of Fall, or relaxing on the couch - make the most of it & enjoy what blessings you do have!

Feeling Blue

2011-10-19T21:14:00.006-05:00

Today I had a moment where I was ready to break.

Fall apart. At the seams. And just run away.

Then in the bathroom at work while crying out to God silently he directed me to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
{don't tell me I'm the only one who pops out my iPhone and browses those nifty Bible apps that go with you everywhere like while... ahem, you know....}

I immediately felt silly. How prideful and caught up in myself I get.

My struggles. My fears. My frustrations. My sin. My inability to be perfect.

In that moment as God gripped me, I was quickly able to recognize the positives of everything happening around me. Only by the grace of God.

But I was struck that my heartache was worth rejoicing over. Rejoice always. There's no modifier to that. We are commanded to always rejoice. No matter what.

No matter that we're afraid we'll never be a parent. No matter that we're afraid that coworkers think badly of us because they misunderstood a situation.

No matter that we constantly fail and sin. No matter that we can't seem to control our perfection... or serious lack thereof. No matter that we are constantly in physical pain.

Rejoice always.

Rejoice always... In the midst of not having kids. In the midst of not being seen perfectly or as we might want some people to see us. In the midst of constantly feeling judged for being overweight.

In the midst of major car issues. In the midst of our own health issues. In the midst of death, destruction, chaos, and pain.

In the midst of a favorite uncle just being told the thought-it-was-almost-gone cancer has become inoperable, terminal bone cancer.

In the midst of a dear friend's father's near-death tractor accident. In the midst of a long, long recovery road ahead.

In the midst of Fibromyalgia pain and fatigue that's so intense there's not a day this week where I haven't cried out to God to heal me. Now. Please. Through tears even now. I must choose to rejoice. Always.

In my flesh, I don't want to. I don't want be happy about all of this. I don't want to say right now that I know God is good, even though I know he is. I want to be stubborn and frustrated and tearful and sad that my life is never going to be what I thought it would be. I want to scream and kick and cry that I can't seem to do anything right these days.

Just for right now. Just for a moment. I want to be real that this is my pain, my situation.

But the Bible says rejoice always. I want to grow in that, but while I'm growing, can I be real here and just say it's really, really hard right now?

Oh how I long for Heaven. Pain-free, sin-free, and rejoicing always.

Our practice time is here on earth. To learn how to rejoice in everything, whereas someday in Heaven we'll be rejoicing for real. Always. With nothing to hold us back.

Nothing to hold us back!

Wow.

Until that day, I must choose to rejoice as God has commanded. I will do my best.

Until then, I want to be who God has called me to be. I will do my best.

I might be struggling in this very moment, but I'm thankful that God grips me, hasn't given up on me, and constantly reminds me of his presence, his goodness, and his grace even when I'm being a bit of a moron. I'm so thankful for his redeeming grace, for his love poured out on the cross so that in our pain and weakness and stumbles, his glory might be revealed.

Friends: rejoice always.

I'm working on it. Will you work on it with me?

Funny sign

2011-10-19T13:04:00.001-05:00

In the midst of our funny pictures around the pumpkin patch/farm place on Saturday, my stepdad saw this hilarious tombstone/sign and decided to have a "dead" look on his face for his picture. I absolutely love it; it cracks me up!!!!

A Local Pumpkin Patch & the Kid in Me

2011-10-17T22:17:00.003-05:00

A sneak peak of part of our weekend...

Local farm.

Pumpkin patch.
Corn maze.
Rides.
Yummy fall food.

Kids everywhere.

Picturesque scenes all around...

for the kids.

I don't have kids.

So I unleash the kid in myself and in my mom....

And then I got hungry.

I have no shame.

Matt Chandler on Healing

2011-10-17T08:21:00.002-05:00

Love this.

Fabulous Friday

2011-10-14T10:00:00.001-05:00

What do you do when you're bored with life and your decor?

You could follow after my neighbor and paint your garage door bright green.

Just because.

Have a fabulous Friday!!!

A Few of My Favorite Fall Things

2011-10-12T21:55:00.001-05:00

A couple of weekends ago, I spent some time decorating our house for the Fall season - one of my favorite things to do all year!!

{I know the Doughboy napkin holder doesn't quite belong with the Fall decor, but it's a staple in our home/kitchen and I didn't want to move it! If you've been around here long, you know I have a serious love of the Doughboy!}

{Yes, that plant moves its way inside and out depending on overnight frost predictions. It was a plant from hubster's family for Grandpa's funeral, so it's really special and I don't want it to die, but I tend to kill indoor plants :(}.

And of course, I love watching the change in the leaves! The timeframe between the same areas in the pics below is only a little over a week! It still amazes me sometimes how quickly the change occurs and then the leaves drop. So beautiful, so quick. Don't blink or you miss it.

The next pic is a bit dark but the tree is mostly still green except the upper right where just a portion of it is bright red. I love trees when they look just a bit sunkissed, but turn a bit more slowly.

Here's our front side tree from the front and back. It's disappearing fast and in the meantime filling our driveway with leaves, which I absolutely love. Walking and driving on the crunchy leaves is SO fun! I prefer that we wait to do the raking until they're really good, dead, and brown. For now it makes me smile to hear and see them, or to watch the neighbor watch me purposefully stomp, kick, or smoosh down the leaves just to hear them crunch or see them fly through the air.

Fall has always been my favorite season. I can't get enough of all the good things about it, but it always does pass by too quickly. I know not all of you live in areas that have Fall foliage, so I hope this helps give you some enjoyment to be able to see it all from a distance. For those who do live in Fall states, enjoy and soak up every moment of it that you can! Winter is going to come awfully fast.

And then... Christmas.

Arg, can't think of that yet!

Fibro, Life, Bleh...

2011-10-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

Tonight I feel miserable.

Physically I feel rotten. Emotionally I'm going downhill.

I feel like a failure at work, I can't possibly do everything I need to be doing at once. I screwed something up today. I feel inept and incapable.

After whipping up some very quick grilled cheese sandwiches, chips, and applesauce for dinner tonight, I fell apart on the couch, exhausted, and hubster wasn't even home to share in the dinner.

Hubster was running an errand with my car and getting gas for it. Getting gas has been its big issue for weeks now. Every time we think we have it fixed, it turns out it isn't fixed. It stalled at the gas station upon Tim putting gas in it and he had to wait about 15 minutes or so before he could drive away. Thankful he did this, but it was a rough day and a weird night.

I had a great weekend with my dad, and we had a lot of really good, deep, connecting conversations. It was therapeutic and wonderful. But now my mom & stepdad are coming this weekend and while I'm looking forward to it, I have no idea where one iota of energy is going to come from.

I'm trying really hard to get back into a solid workout routine. But the initial push always makes me exhausted and in horrific pain. This is how I feel today. The elevator is broken at work so even in my down, most-painful moments I don't have a back-up for getting around.

For tonight, I just have a bad attitude and am sulking. It's just what it is. I'll get over it.

Oh the Love of Pumpkins

2011-10-11T10:00:00.005-05:00

One of my favorite things about Fall is the baking of things with apples and pumpkins. I don't always get around to it, but I love the idea of it!! ;) And I usually let someone else do it for me. ;)

I love a nearby cafe that makes the BEST pumpkin pancakes ever. Never really like them anywhere else, this place makes them perfectly, with just the right amount of pumpkin and nutmeg, mmmmm. Then there's the pumpkin shakes at Culvers, and the apple cobbler wherever you can get it. The apple cider donuts my friend Monica makes are amazing but sadly I missed them this season. *sigh* We haven't had a chance to go apple picking yet this year and aren't sure if we'll be able to.

So... I'm living vicariously right now through others and finding all kinds of wonderful recipes my mouth waters and we'll see if I get around to making them:

Pumpkin cheesecake

Pumpkin butterscotch muffins

Homemade pumpkin pancakes with apple topping

Pumpkin cream cheese muffins

Pull Apart Pumpkin Cinnamon Bread {looks soooo yummy, but I soooo don't have the patience for this!... Monica?!?!}

So then of course... I had to find this: 75 Recipes that taste like Fall

And this: Pumpkin round-up

YUMM!!! Are you trying any amazing new recipes this season? Please share!

8 Years Ago - Home Ownership

2011-10-10T19:54:00.002-05:00

8 years ago this morning we signed the papers and were handed some very special keys to a very special house.

The moment we pulled into the driveway, my heart did a flip-flop. I remember how strange we felt as we walked up to the front door and turned the key.

When the door opened to a space of empty-ness.

When it finally hit us that we were home. This was ours.

Something of our very own. Wow.

As we started the two weeks of painting, cleaning, and planning where things would go, things fell into place and we were amazed. And very, very thankful.

8 years. Homeowners.

It still feels a bit surreal.

Happy Randomness

2011-10-10T10:00:00.000-05:00

With the change of seasons and roller-coaster temperatures comes lots of office bugs - the spread of colds and the flu around our office has hit full force. One coworker blocked off his office space with a warning that made us all laugh! Despite a nasty battle with my sinuses and allergies going completely bazerk, I've managed to not get sick the past couple of weeks. Whew.

The Fall is really such a gorgeous season and I absolutely cannot get enough of it, but this past week plus, it's been 75 or above. When it comes time for Fall, I'm soooo ready for 50s and 60s!!! Thankfully this upcoming week it's supposed to cool down again, which I'm really excited about... and just in time to enjoy the Fall stuff with my mom & stepdad! I want to do so much and go so many places with them, and we can't possibly do it all within on weekend, arg! Anyway, loving all the varied tree colors, and any extra sightseeing I get to have. :)

On a perfect Fall day, nothing hits the spot quite like a Pumpkin shake from Culver's {frozen custard}!! Yummmmm.

The worst part about the current season has been the DRAMATIC increase in road construction! Surprisingly, instead of a whole heap of it starting up in April or May {some started then}, a ton of it has just started in the past month or so, as we head toward Winter. Every main road between my work and hubster's work has construction - it's maddening. And sometimes we get stuck in parking lots like the above one I got stuck in last week when they started construction out of nowhere on my commute south. Argggg!

My friend Monica & I met for lunch this past week at a nearby park that she loves and I'd never been to. Despite working in the area there for 10 years, and having heard of this park with a lake, I just hadn't ever gone to it. It was absolutely beautiful and so relaxing, and a nice shaded area over the playground for Parker to enjoy. It's a smallish lake in the midst of the suburbs, but it's beautiful. Once standing out on the dock, all of these fish come up to you thinking they're going to get fed:

Quite a sight, isn't it?!! I could just watch lakes & fish all day... as long as I'm in the shade.*

*Did I mention that my sun sensitivity appears to be getting worse {even in 50 degree weather now, by the way}? 5 minutes in direct sunlight and my head gets really hot, I start feeling fatigued, and the nausea starts. By 20 minutes now my head is almost too hot to touch, the tingling on my head is so bad I'm dizzy, the fatigue gets extreme, and the nausea is almost unbearable. Stay in that for an hour and I'll probably be passing out, but at the very least I get incredibly sick for at least a day. It's awful. Well, I digress.....

On another note, we had a fun night on Friday! My dad ended up running late and couldn't get here until about 9, so we had a spontaneous hang out time with Monica & Parker, and Sherah, Marty, & Charlie. It was tons of fun!! We missed Brian {traveling for work}, but otherwise it was really great. We had pizza {thanks Marty!}, played in the leaves and on the swings with the kiddos, entertained the kids with their favorite videos, made some 5-ingredient cookies Sherah found on Pinterest {details below}, and just chilled out. It was SO great, thanks friends!!

Doesn't Monica look amazing pregnant?!?!

5-ingredient cookies:
1 c. peanut butter
1 c. brown sugar
1 t. baking soda
1 egg
chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix ingredients. Roll cookies into balls of 1 1/2 inches or so and place on an ungreased cookie sheet {will take 2 batches}. Bake for 9 minutes. Cool for 4 minutes before moving from tray and put on a cooling rack.

They are amazing! Yummm!! :) And it's SO nice to have go-to cookie recipe that's easy and from usual on-hand ingredients! Thanks for sharing it with us Sherah!

Wedded Bliss

2011-10-09T20:32:00.014-05:00

This weekend two dear friends of mine got married, and I'm so, so, so excited for each of them!!!

When you go through a devastating funeral, events like babies being born and weddings are that much more joyous and exciting. It's a good reminder of the circle of life God has created for each of us.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

First up, Sarah & Steve. I've worked next to Sarah for about 4 years now, and she's such a delight! I'm so thankful for her and all she does. She adds a tremendous value to our book production team with her knowledge, insights, humor, and love for God. I've only had the chance to meet Steve once, but I know how happy he makes Sarah and that makes him great in my book! They got married yesterday at a destination wedding in their favorite city, Las Vegas. She had some incredibly creative ideas for her wedding and it was so neat to see it all coming together. She'll be gone for 2 weeks on her honeymoon and I cannot wait to hear all about it when she gets back!! Congrats Sarah & Steve!

Next up, Kevin & Bekah. I've only worked with Kevin since March and only got closer to him the past few months, but I'm really thankful for the consultant role that he plays in our design department. He's creative, hilarious, and a very hard worker. The thing that started it all was finding that we had a love of The Big Bang Theory TV show in common when he started shouting out "Bazinga" at random. Now we say it or "What up besty?!" to each other all the time, so fun! The moment I met Bekah we immediately clicked. We've helped them move, had lots of conversations about the wedding, etc. They are such a delightful, fun, godly, sweet couple. We can't wait to hear more details about how they're doing after their wedding today! So glad that all the stress of it is over for them though and now they can move on into this new journey!

Could not be happier for you guys!!!!

On the flipside, I'm really going to miss Sarah & Kevin at work the next couple of weeks, yowza!!!

But seriously... Happy Weddings! :)

Things I've Learned Recently

2011-10-06T23:30:00.015-05:00

It's hard to believe my grandpa's funeral was already 2 weeks ago today. When you're grieving a loss like that {one where you didn't have a good relationship and you aren't entirely sure how to handle it or how you ultimately feel about it all}, time seems to warp into an entirely separate reality.

For a while, time seemed to go in super slow-mo. Then it zoomed by, and now I'm not sure where it went.

I've started multiple posts about the funeral, his death, what he was like, what our relationship was like, what God has taught me through this process... but I haven't finished any of them. They're tough to write. I'm still in the process of sorting through it all and getting back to normal. I'm also not all that sure it's interesting to read, but I want to get it put out there for others to help learn from what I've learned, and as a journal of sorts for myself to refer back to.

For now though, I think it's easier to do a bullet-point list of scattered thoughts:

* After losing the second grandparent on one side of the family, it's amazing to feel the sense of loss and the end of an era that floods the family - grief hits a whole new level

* Looking through the houses of two sets of grandparents in one weekend for stuff of theirs you might want that you remember from childhood is just too much for any one person to handle - I nearly had a nervous breakdown

* Missing fall TV premiere week for an entertainment junkie like myself just isn't as big of a deal as you thought it'd be when you're grieving and spending precious time with family

* Missing a friend's bridal shower and a special free preview of the now-released Courageous movie really saddened me, but being with family members {some of whom I hadn't seen in 20+ years} really brightened my life - it reminded me of what's really important

* Years and years of family turmoil and tension doesn't just go away because the main person who caused it has passed away - it just throws wrenches into the grief and tension at the gatherings, the doubts and lies that were distributed around, and adds to the stress and exhaustion of an already difficult time

* Despite my 5 year old niece Cayley sometimes being jealous of baby brother Josh now that she's no longer the baby of the family, watching her interact with him, feed him, being willing to change him, etc, was super, duper sweet!!

* Watching my 8 year old niece Olivia grow up into a beautiful, talented, older version of herself was really amazing! Watching her concern over the funeral proceedings and everything that surrounded those tough days, was remarkable.

* Having car problems in the state of Illinois isn't as bad as it could have been. Turns out I know people all across the state. And my hubby, dad, and brother were all attentive to my needs and ready to come get me at the drop of a hat if needed. Thankfully, it wasn't needed, but I'm glad I felt relatively safe.

* Watching 7 men stare over my car's hood after a long 6+ hour drive is both humorous and awful. So thankful my dad and brother immediately met up with me in the AutoZone parking lot, and that we spontaneously ran into Aunt Sue & Uncle Mike there! Hadn't seen them in way too long.

* Feelings of stress & exhaustion get overridden when you get to see so many family members showing up to pay their respects

* The feelings of numbness that come with grief & uncertainty when facing an open casket turn into a flooding of tears when I see that half of the flowers given were by people who specifically know my brother & me

* Nothing calms you quite like the giggling of a 4-month old

* All my fears & anxieties get erased when my nieces come running up to me with huge smiles... and later tears when they realize my good night was an actual goodbye

* My near anxiety attack at the funeral was thankfully thwarted when my dear aunt sat next to me, and later we shared a special moment of consoling

* Absence indeed makes the heart grow fonder. I've been fairly open and real about the hard times in our 11 year marriage, so let me just be real again here... after lots of arguments and stress prior to Grandpa's death, going away for 6 days and only getting hubster for 2 of them {work was crazy so he could only take off 2 days, drove down 1 morning and back the next evening} made me miss him sooooo much! I'm so thankful for Tim!!

It really is amazing all the things you see, do, and feel during a time of loss. As I've been learning, no matter who it is or what your relationship with them was like, loss is always hard and you need to allow yourself time to properly grieve.

Courageous Movie Review

2011-10-04T18:04:00.031-05:00

We were originally due to watch Courageous at a special preview with our Christian radio station on Wednesday 9/21, but my grandpa's visitation ended up being that day, so obviously we couldn't make it.

So we were chomping at the bit to get to the theatre to see it Friday night, but due to traffic woes we missed the showing we'd planned to go to. After a long couple of weeks, I couldn't make myself go to the late night showing. We ended up at the 1 pm showing on Saturday at the movie theatre we love, and it was in one of their biggest theatres! We were so excited, but while that theatre holds hundreds, only about 10-15 or so were there. Bummer. We really want this movie to do well so we can prove to Hollywood that family-friendly movies ARE loved & enjoyed & well-received by Americans!! {It ended up doing well, I think we just happened to be at a slow time-showing in the middle of a beautiful day....}

Unfortunately, due to a few issues {read specifics here}, Courageous is rated PG-13. It's still way more family-friendly than Hollywood-based movies, but I wanted you to be aware of this.

But trust me, GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!! It was amazing!

If it means you have to drive out of your way, hire a babysitter, or reschedule something so you can get there soon - do it. You will not regret it.

Courageous is brought to you by the same people who wrote, produced, and directed Facing the Giants and Fireproof. It's evident throughout that the moviemakers at Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia, stay true to their convictions and the Gospel.

They continue to improve on their cinematography, directing, and acting skills. The main two lead actors are incredible - both of them are real-life pastors at this church, and they've both grown in their acting skills since the previous movies. There are a couple of scenes where the lack of acting and direction is evident, but for volunteers I still think they do an amazing job! Granted, I realize this would drive my friend Brian absolutely bonkers, but I still think he should go see it {ahem... hint, hint B}!!!

Plot summary:
Four men, one calling: To serve and protect. As law enforcement officers, they face danger every day. Yet when tragedy strikes close to home, these fathers are left wrestling with their hopes, their fears, and their faith. From this struggle will come a decision that changes all of their lives. With action, drama, and humor, the fourth film from Sherwood Pictures embraces God's promise to "turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of children to their fathers." Souls will be stirred, and hearts will be challenged to be ... courageous!
Read more here.

Through the lessons these men learn, I walked away having learned some things and I'm definitely not a father! The usual hilarious scenes are there {some where you nearly fall over it's soooo funny!}, but this one is more moving and powerful than any of their other movies so far. Bring kleenex's to the theatre for sure!!!

No matter where you're at in life, or what your relationship was/is like with your own father, this is a movie you won't want to miss. It is an incredibly powerful, convicting, Christ-honoring, Gospel-presenting, funny, tearful, delightful, very well-done movie that will surely impact generations to come. We highly, highly recommend everyone go see it! We loved, loved, loved it!

The opening weekend box office numbers are in, here's the scoop. For more good stuff, and more cohesive thoughts in a much better way than I could ever say them, check out Trevin Wax's thoughts here.

Watch part of the powerful opening scene here:

And the I-can't-stop-watching-or-listening-to-it music video {although sadly this song is only a part of the final credits in the movie}:

*To be clear, I did not receive any compensation for this review, nor did anyone ask me to write it, I just loved it so much I wanted to share!*

My Dad

2011-10-04T08:48:00.001-05:00

Me, my dad, and my brother after Grandpa's funeral & our family luncheon

One of the people who made my life possible turns a year older today. I'm so thankful for him, everything he has taught me, the cherished memories, the time we spent together around Grandpa's funeral a couple weeks ago, and the time we'll spend together when he visits us this weekend.

Happy birthday Dad!!! I love you!

My Favorite Month

2011-10-01T11:58:00.000-05:00

Hello October - I'm so glad you're here! :)

Fabulous Friday - Sunny Skies

2011-09-30T12:05:00.000-05:00

there's something about driving home to see your family

to spend time with them after the loss of a relative

that makes sunny skies

and a long drive by yourself

all the more precious

and after 6 days in a row of rain and gloom

looking at a sunny picture like this

brings me oodles of happiness

happy fabulous friday!

Always

2011-09-28T21:53:00.000-05:00

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
From You Lord, from You Lord

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always, always

Always, From the album Mountains Move by Kristian Stanfill

Depleted

2011-09-25T17:31:00.001-05:00

My grandpa passed away last Tuesday morning.

I immediately drove to my hometown for the events and to be with family.

For multiple reasons, it was the toughest, most exhausting, most stressful, and most draining {physically & emotionally} week of my entire life.

Everything that could go wrong on top of everything else did go wrong - multiple car problems, broke my phone, etc.

I cannot begin to explain to you how utterly depleted I am.

And I've never been more relieved to be home.

Recent Happenings

2011-09-18T22:59:00.004-05:00

Last weekend we were quite busy. Friday over lunch my female coworkers had an honorary luncheon/shower for our president's wife with the burning down of their house. We wanted to show them our love & appreciation with this little event, and I'm certain it blessed us as much as her!

Lydia giving her opening remarks

Lindsay & Lindsay - marketing peeps

Danielle {our new customer service rep, replacing my friend Annemarie, she's really sweet!} , me, & Abigail

Me with Angie, Lindsay, & Lindsay - great girls!

Me with Ebeth, the star of the show

Lydia & Ebeth - such sweet, godly women!!

Friday night we babysat Parker while Brian & Monica went out, and we got our own little date just hanging out at their house. It was really nice and fun!! And really... aren't they just the cutest couple?!?!?

Growing baby #2 in there!!!! :) :)

On Saturday we helped our friends Annemarie & Brandon move (loading pods to ship across the country to Washington as they drove across in their car). It was really nice to help them, but it was also an incredibly hard day for me. They only lived a few minutes away from Brian & Monica, so after helping A & B, we went to hang out with B & M (also so I could cry on Monica's shoulder for a bit...) and we took catnaps. It was nice to have such a friend-filled weekend!

Annemarie & Beth

Annemarie & Laura

Me with Annemarie

Abigail & Annemarie

Excellent job guys!! Brandon, Steve, & Tim

ohhhh man is it hard to see them go!

Sunday afternoon I enjoyed having a girlie day to myself with some pampering: a haircut, chick flick at the theatre (The Help--loved it!), wandering a favorite store LL Bean, and a pedicure.

It's been a pretty crazy week at work with coworker lunches, getting the flu, working a 12-hour day, doing some work from home on a tight deadline project, getting a cold, visiting friends (and getting to see a friend's mom in from out of town, yay, love that!!), and then hearing of my Grandpa's last week of life.

Friday night was rough. I talked to my dad at length, my brother, my mom, my cousin, and my aunt all until nearly 1 a.m. I was cried out and emotionally drained. I woke up Saturday feeling depressed and lethargic. I got some housework done and tried to stay intact. I was really looking forward to a night out with friends, so I pushed myself to feel better and get moving. We left home about 5 and got home about 9:30 or so I think. It was a really fun night with 3 coworkers and their families.

Justin & Lea's adorable daughters

I love this. If you knew the story here, you'd be gushing too. :)

Thankful my coworker Don and Tim are chatting it up.

giganto dog Jasper joins us

Lea whipping us up some hot fudge, yummm!

Stacey, Dane, Zach, Nate, & baby-to-be - what an amazing family!

Sara, me, Stacey, Lea - love these ladies!

Justin & Lea - I'd be totally intimidated if they weren't so down-to-earth & utterly hilarious

Don & Sara - so sweet & fun, they are terrific!

Who on earth are these people and how did they end up with this crowd?!!

It is really, really neat to me to be able to interact with my coworkers and their wives so well. I'm so incredibly grateful for our workplace, the lives we share, and the family atmosphere. It was truly great and SO much fun to hang out with all of these wonderful couples!!!! It was sorely needed for getting my mind off of things, so much so that I forgot to mention my Grandpa to them, whoops!

Now, as we enter into a very busy week, please pray that God would bring us peace & comfort upon hearing of my Grandpa's death, and that he would be without much pain. Despite all the distance and turbulence he created in so many lives including mine, I really hate thinking of him in a lot of pain or discomfort.

Thank you friends, we appreciate you!

For Today...

2011-09-17T15:06:00.001-05:00

... I wish I hadn't heard last night that my Grandpa D has less than a week to live.

... I wish I'd gone to visit him when I was last down there in June.

... I wish my uncle & my aunt weren't fighting cancer.

... I wish my blogging friend Sara wasn't dying.

... I wish my dear friend C wasn't fighting a custody battle.

... I wish our friends Don & Sara weren't waiting a year for their adoption referral in something they were told would take about 4-6 months.

... I wish my headache wasn't so bad as a result of all the crying.

... I wish life wasn't so hard.

... I wish my Fibro would go away. Just for today. Seriously, go away.

... I wish I wasn't feeling such an emotional roller coaster as a result of Grandpa D's nearing death.

... I wish I wasn't fighting a cold so I could truly enjoy this beautiful Fall weather and cool air. And potentially quite the impending family reunion.

... I wish work wasn't so intensely crazy with such tight deadlines that I just don't know how I'm going to take time off for my Grandpa's funeral. And it's seriously stressing me out.

... I wish I could have babysat my niece & nephew today. And at the same time, I'm extremely grateful for a sweet, dear sister-in-law who was super understanding.

... I am thankful for Tim's nearness to me and ways of caring for me in the depths of my sorrow.

... I am thankful for an hour and a half conversation with my aunt in Arkansas last night until 12:30 am.

... I am regretful for all the family drama on this side that meant this is the longest conversation I've had with my wonderful aunt in at least 6 years.

... I am worn out, emotionally depleted, and dreading the next phone call from my dad, but I am also extremely grateful for family, tears, long conversations, memories, and laughter.

... I wish I'd confronted Grandpa a few years ago.

... I wish I didn't live so much of my life in fear.

... I wish that I'd spent more time the last 14 years pouring the Gospel into Grandpa.

... And I'm so thankful for conversations with my brother & mom last night who helped remind me that I really did do all I could and that I shouldn't beat myself up over any of it.

Regret is a nasty thing. Boldness and soaking up opportunities is a big deal. I'm reminded that life truly is so precious and valuable. Don't waste your life.

For today, I'm clinging to Jesus and praying for family members as we all grieve the end of an era on my dad's side of the family.

What My Life Is Like with Illness

2011-09-15T18:29:00.001-05:00

Fibromyalgia is invisible, so most people obviously don't always remember that I even have it.

I in no way blame them for that. But I do admit to getting grumpy {yes, I get grumpy!!} when family forgets, specifically my husband and my father.

I have more sympathy when other people tell me they're in pain than I used to, but when it's someone I'm close to I honestly struggle with it. I feel an innate need to speak up and remind them what I'm going through and how much daily, all over pain I have every moment. Every day. It never goes away. It flares up and settles down, but no matter what it is always, always there.

So... it really bothers me when Tim or my dad forgets {or at least they're forgetting from what I can tell}. I've always had this thing in me that made me feel like I needed to prove myself to the men in my life. That if I didn't, they'd leave and get sick of me.

Behind every fake smile, behind every genuine smile... no matter what I'm feeling like that day, I never have a 100% pain free day. Every single part of me hurts constantly.

I know that's a hard concept to grasp. Sometimes it still baffles me.

But what I love is that it never baffles or surprises God. He knows. He understands. And that still, small voice of his that speaks into me when I'm quiet enough to listen... He always gently reminds me that He knows and is carrying me through this time.

That doesn't make it automatically easier, but it settles my hurt and anger. It settles my frustration when I'm ready to lash out and tell people to stop complaining about their pain. If they only knew what I was going through.

And if I only knew what other people with worse pain were going through.

Ouch. Whenever God speaks that into me, I'm reminded to not be so quick to speak. After all, I have no true idea of what's going on in someone else's body. The reality is, I'm just speaking up because I'm being selfish. I'm being blind to the needs of others and only caring that I make sure they understand me.

I find this really {really, really} hard when it comes to my marriage. I know Tim has had to wrestle with a lot as a result of my Fibromyalgia too. I know that neither of us are the same person we were when we got married. I know that we both have days where we are ready to throw in the towel. I know that he's got a good heart and that he loves me, but sometimes, in my most sinful moments... I actually feel myself refusing to draw close to him as a defense mechanism.

Because why would anyone want to persevere with me in this life-long journey with Fibromyalgia? I don't want it, why would he? He didn't choose this.

We are learning what "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" really means.

We know that with God, all things are possible. We know that if God is for us, who can be against us? We know that He will give us the strength and ability to get through this.

But in our dark days, when the Fibro is too much for me to even get up out of bed... we have our moments. When the Fibro has me glued to the couch while he's stuck doing all the housework... I feel more guilty than I ever thought possible. And there's nothing I can do about it.

It's awful. It's demeaning.

And yet, I know that in the end, God will redeem this too. He'll redeem every battle we fought in our marriage. He'll redeem my Fibromyalgia so that the world will see that He is God... for His glory & His name's sake.

He has poured out His grace on us, and I am unceasingly baffled as to why Tim is still even standing next to me. God's grace is sufficient for the least of these. And right now, I for sure feel like the least of these.

For other Chronic Illness Awareness Week topics, visit this website, go to their Facebook page, or visit Bloggers Unite for Chronic Illness Awareness.

Denny's New Cheesy Menu

2011-09-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

The Denny's new cheesy menu commercial came on TV last night as we were laughing at Ellen DeGeneres's antics on Jay Leno.

In particular, the Mac 'n Cheese Big Daddy Paddy Melt grabbed our attention.... and how I wish I could find a picture of it for you. Instead head over to their website. You've got to see it to believe it.

Here's how our conversation went upon seeing this and our jaws dropped.

Me: "That's disgusting... and yet my mouth is salivating."

Tim: "I'm laughing at it and you're thinking... GENIUS!"

Indeed.

*Note that I received no compensation for this in any way, I just genuinely got a kick out of this and had to share!*

Bloodlines, A New Book from John Piper

2011-09-14T08:52:00.003-05:00

I'd encourage you to take a couple minutes and watch this promotional/preview trailer of what to expect from Bloodlines, John Piper's latest book from us here at Crossway. We are excited about it, and know that this could impact many lives. Please share this with your friends.

John Piper: Bloodlines Documentary Trailer from Crossway on Vimeo.