I haven't been too sure of myself lately. Not really sure what to say. Feel down-in-the-dumps but not acting like it on the outside. Not sure how much I want to share. Trying to be real and genuine on my blog while not just being a dump or complaining. I don't want to always use this blog as a way to vent. I want to honor God in what I say here. Sometimes that can be pretty challenging when I just...quite frankly...feel like crap. I want to be positive and uplifting. I want people to want to read my blog and not go "oh, I stumbled across grumpy/down-in-the-dump's blog again". I want to share things with you that will help encourage you, things that will help us get to know each other better across cyberspace, things that will bring glory to Christ, things that will connect us, insightful/educational things about Fibro, etc.
I wish I could be that way today. But I don't know what to say. I feel like a cloud is just sitting on top of my head and I can't see straight. I feel like my body has gone through the washer and dryer. I'm tired of having to try so hard. I'm tired of working my tail off only at the end of the week to barely see a difference. I'm tired of feeling so awful and in so much pain and fatigue. I'm tired of each day wondering if I'm getting the flu or bronchitis {both of which are spreading around here like wildfire}. Only to be reminded...oh yeah, maybe it's just the Fibro rearing it's ugly head. I'm tired of being the always-there-for-you friend when genuinely so many of my friends are the ones I pursue and ask to do things with. Do people not like me or want to do things with me? Are they just busy? I hate those selfish thoughts, but I'm just being honest. Friendship is a two-way street and sometimes I feel like I'm stuck at the back of the alley trying to be a good friend, but lost between desire for continued friendship and the deep longing to also want to be pursued and loved by my friends. {Does that sentence even make sense? Oh well...I can't think straight....}
I'm burnt out. I'm tired of trying. I want to just curl up into a ball on my bed and hide there. For days.
Or months.
Or years.
Except my bed leaves me screaming in pain most mornings.
And I know some people would notice...and yet I'm not so sure. You know what I mean. Don't leave me hanging here alone. We all go through those times {right?} where we feel like if we vanished maybe no one would ever really miss us? Those feelings pass, and we love our friends no matter what, and we know they love us too. But I'm just having one of those days.
I'm tired of not knowing what to say and being baffled when some of my closest friends or family are going through separation, divorce, miscarriages, adoption, job loss, cancer, etc. I am truly thankful for what I do have, but I'm also scared of losing what I have. Our best friends over the years where Tim & I have been closest to these couples than anyone else at certain stages of our lives, they're all either divorced or separated heading toward divorce. I don't know what to do, but almost want to recoil in fear that our marriage will end like that. I don't want it to. I know we're committed. But let's be honest, it's been a really hard road lately. Fibromyalgia and other realities of life have not made this anywhere near the 'cake walk' I thought it might be.
Perhaps it's just a fleeting thought I'm dealing with right now. Perhaps I'll get over it in shortly when I see one of my closest friends and her kiddo.
A lady I haven't blog-met before posted a comment on my blog yesterday. When I checked out her blog this morning, I saw something I really needed to be reminded of. Her blog is called Fearfully and Wonderfully. {What a cool name! Sometimes I really wish I'd thought longer and harder about my own name and url!!} At the top of her page is the verse Psalm 139:14. A very good reminder to me. Something I really needed this morning. Soaking it in. Remembering God's goodness to me despite the pain. Remembering I need to be thankful for this journey he has allowed me to go on. Wanting to still honor him through it.
Just having a hard time at the moment.
2 comments:
Oh hon.
You're SO not lost for words. You've expressed yourself beautifully here.
What happens, I think, is that we get sidetracked by our pain - all our resources go to that crisis. Then real life intrudes - friends divorcing, say - and we feel pulled in a million directions.
That's cause we ARE pulled in a million directions. Sometimes, being overwhelmed is a completely appropriate emotional response, you know?
Tony Robbins (yeah, I know) suggests emotions are messages - where we get in trouble, I think, is when we just put the message on instant replay over and over, instead of listening to it and doing something about it.
If that's true - and I don't have "all the answers" so it might be or maybe it's not but let's pretend it is for the sake of this post - then what is how you're feeling right now telling you?
Maybe that you're expecting too much of yourself? THat you can't take care of you and your family AND your friends whose lives are falling apart too? That maybe all you can do is simply be there for them, and put your energies towards yourself?
I have no idea. Just brainstorming here. But I hope it helps and it makes sense to me.
And last thing: just like you're there for them, we're here for you.
Sometimes things just suck. In my experience, each day is a new day to try and start over. I never know how I will wake up feeling with MS, so I totally get what you are saying.
I've had days/weeks/months of depression and regret all of those lost days. But, I am thankful for TODAY.
The beauty of time is that by the time you read this reply, you may already be feeling better. Or, at least different!
Keep your chin up!
Post a Comment