Just for the Record

 (c) 2000 Lisa Wigoda Photography, used by permission

 

I love my husband. I really do. No matter what we are going through, no matter how tough times get, no matter my emotional and physical issues... I love him. Even when I don't like him, I love him.

Which means I just have no excuse.

No excuse for not getting him gifts for his birthday. No excuse for just going through the day like it was ho-hum, no big deal.

Despite that he doesn't generally like birthdays. Despite that his only request was that I make him cupcakes to eat and take to work with him forget to take them to work with him. Despite that he didn't seem very excited about it himself.

Perhaps he's gotten used to me making it a slightly big deal.

Perhaps he cares more about it than he often lets on.

Perhaps I should have decided that no matter how much traveling, exhaustion, fatigue, pain, flare-ups, not being at home I did, I needed to get him something even if it meant a midnight run to Wal-Mart.

Perhaps I should work harder at being a better wife.

But right now, this week, I quite frankly don't care.

I know, I know, that's terrible.

I'm in so much pain, fatigue, and heartache that I can't see straight. My brain isn't focusing. I'm not all here. I'm in my own little world. Not sharing even three-quarters of what I'm thinking or feeling with another soul {except God, of course}. I'm losing half my words this week in the middle of a sentence. I can't concentrate. I forgot it was coming. I knew it was but it slipped out of my grasp. 
I feel rotten about it, and yet I don't.

I'm just being real. This is where I'm at right now.

I love you, honey, really I do. No gifts in the world could even begin to show you how much you mean to me. I hope you know how much I mean that.

But don't worry, I'm still getting you something nice so you understand that I really am sorry, and that you deserve better. I'm really very sorry that you are stuck with me. That you are stuck with this awful Fibro. Sometimes I just wish I could make it better for you. You got a pretty raw end of the deal.

I'm so sorry. I love you.