Baby # 2 Is Coming!

This September, we are adding to our family!

We are SO excited!!!!

What an incredible miracle and gift Elijah was to us. It took us by surprise (though we'd been trying and certainly hoped for another baby) and we are just blown away. Thankful we get to celebrate another little life and to give Elijah a sibling.

I have too many friends saddened by infertility, miscarriages, losses, lengthy adoption processes, and lack of being able to give their only child a sibling. I completely sympathize and wish so badly it was different for them, and am not sure why it's different for us. We embrace these babies and give them back over to the Lord, praying that He'd provide us the wisdom, strength, patience, and love to raise them up to love Jesus above all else, and to be wonderful little human beings.

As always, God's timing is perfect and we are grateful for his plan for our family! Elijah's been learning more and more what being a big brother really means (through lots of talks, books, praying over baby together, kisses for baby, learning about how he can help baby, etc) and seems to be pretty excited (though we're not so sure how much he comprehends, especially the part about mommy & daddy not being able to give him their full attention).

I'm 22 weeks along today and we had our big gender/health ultrasound a week ago.

This past weekend we traveled back to my hometown and spent time with my family. We also threw a gender reveal party. Something I said I wouldn't do again and that I'd keep it simple. Well, I did keep it simpler than last time, but it was still a party! I can't seem to help myself!! I just love any excuse to celebrate babies and to have fun with it all. And it was SO fun!!!

So without further ado... baby # 2 is:

ANOTHER BOY!!!! :)

Baby is healthy and growing strong, and I'm healthy too. A healthier pregnancy already than last time without nearly as much stress or concerns (much due to our natural/alternative doc/chiropractor and a much less stressful OB who doesn't see a need for a high-risk specialist unless we have complications). It also helps that my job has been less stressful these past 3 years. And even though life is crazier, fuller, and we're running around lots more with Elijah (also possibly keeping me in better shape!)... I'm not stressed for the most part. Hooray!

I realize I haven't written much here lately, and many of my followers have left... but for anyone still around and reading this, thanks for being here! And for sharing in our joy with us!! :)

Life as a Non-Breastfeeding Mom

I never imagined anything for my baby except breastfeeding. I was going to do everything in my power to help him breastfeed, and I was devoted to learning plenty about it beforehand. I read books, articles, took classes, talked to friends/family, and so on.

I knew going into it that not every child is born to nurse and I knew there was a possibility it wouldn't work out, but certainly not because I lacked the desire or knowledge about it.

I was determined.

And it totally did NOT work out.

It was incredibly disappointing. But we did everything we could.

Here's a brief background in case you're reading this and aren't familiar with our story:

My son was born at 38 weeks and 2 days gestation. He was a healthy 7 lbs 3 oz. After I was moved to the c-section recovery room, the nurses helped get him latched on. He got some milk, but he was really agitated.

Being a new mom, that's a bit flustering because you hope and kind of expect that they'll either latch or be a bit fussy or struggle a bit. I wasn't certain but he seemed a bit more than just fussy. He was fighting against it with every ounce of his being, and the nurse kept trying. I was so exhausted and drugged/out of it that at one point I remember just laying back and throwing my arms off the side because I was exasperated with the nurse.

His breathing didn't seem right to me and I asked the nurses about it a few times. He didn't want to eat at all. He seemed so exhausted to me and the way his chest moved in while breathing... I just didn't feel right about it in my gut. The nurses kept indicating babies just breathe differently than us. I trusted the one nurse a lot, but that still bothers me to this day. Regardless, she did a great job and was initially a good advocate for trying to fight the c-section. I doubted myself, as most first-time moms do, so I stopped pushing. Thankfully the nurses also stopped pushing with nursing because they could see he was agitated. Once bundled up against my chest, he was fine. So we laid there until it was time to be moved up to the mother & baby unit.

Once we were up there, I don't remember much. I remember making the nurses laugh but I don't remember what I said. Or maybe I laughed at something they said - I just remember something was funny. I remember the ones from downstairs leaving and my new nurse taking over. She was amazing and I'll always be incredibly grateful for her {Kirsten}. Right away Tim & I mentioned the concern over his breathing. The nurse took a look, assessed the situation, went through some things with us, and went to talk to someone about our baby's condition.

Tim brought our friend Monica in {she was supposed to be there for the birth} while the nurse was away. Elijah was taken to the nursery to be checked over thoroughly. I insisted that Tim go along. Minutes went by as Monica and I waited. Anxiously. It was a lot longer than I expected. She encouraged me that since it was so late {I think it was about 11:45 pm, yikes! I had no idea!!} to go ahead and bring our families in. We'd hoped to have everyone together and introduce Elijah to them at once with all his stats and name. But Monica was right, so she brought them in before leaving and I gave them the info. Minutes later the doctor finally came in and explained to us what was going on with Elijah, 45 minutes after he'd been taken to the nursery to be examined.

Elijah had fluid in his lungs {likely from my water bag still being intact with the c-section, and not getting the vacuum effect that vaginal delivery has on ridding the chance baby will be born with too much fluid} and he was having trouble breathing, so he was taken to the NICU for monitoring and stabilizing.

When they tried to remove the fluid with needles and later {24 hours or so later} took an X-Ray to confirm the fluid was gone, they discovered he also had holes in his lungs {likely torn when he took his first breath upon entering the world}. As a result, he was in the NICU for 11 very unexpected, traumatic days {and yet, with his condition, he was released earlier than they'd expected!}. [[For more on that story, go here.]]

*All the details surrounding what happened are a bit of a guess. There's no way to prove or know for sure how or why the fluid and holes got there. We don't know if he was in fact 38 weeks or if they were off by 2 weeks and perhaps he wasn't fully developed. We don't think that's the case, but there's no way to know for certain. We in no way blame anybody for what happened. It was all part of a necessary process, and disappointing as it was, it's our story. We trust God above all else and we know it's a part of his perfect plan.*

As a result of all of this, Elijah had to be fed for a couple of days through a feeding tube that gave him instant gratification. Then, gratefully, one of his new acute-care nurses* thought to have it changed so that the food was slowly administered to him through the feeding tube over a 20-minute period.
{*Up until his chest tubes were in, he was in the back of the unit where there's less care needed / they prioritize based on the child's needs so in acute-care the baby has a nurse's full attention but in the less care section most nurses cover 2-3 babies and aren't always with each baby though they still monitor the other ones from whichever child's bay they are in.}

It wasn't until he'd been there about a week that he was finally able to take a bottle.

Meanwhile, I got soooo stressed out that I ended up back in the hospital 8 days after his birth for 2 more days with high blood pressure {also technically a result of post-partum pre-eclampsia, which no one ever told me was a thing. It is!}. At this point, he'd just come off the chest tubes a couple days prior, which meant after 24 hours off those he could try bottle-feeding and thankfully he took well to that.

I remember the first moment I saw Elijah in the NICU and with all the conflicting emotions and trauma of that initial visit/situation, I couldn't help but notice something little and green in his mouth. I started to tell them to remove the pacifier, but he was in pain and having trouble, and I just couldn't make them do it. It broke my heart, knowing that was the #1 rule of breastfeeding - no bottles or pacifiers until at least a couple weeks after breastfeeding has been well established.

Well, there went that.

BUT, given the situation and all that came over those 11 days, I'm glad he had the pacifier. It really helped soothe him.

I pumped since day one, we watched the clock whenever we were visiting him in the NICU to make sure I was pumping at the right times, Tim would lovingly get up to help in the middle of the night until I could gather it all together better on my own, once we were in the Home Away from Home {able to stay at the hospital for free but without the help of nurses} Tim would get up in the night to lovingly take the pumped milk to his son two floors down in the NICU, and we checked in regularly with the nurses to make sure he was getting the pumped milk mixed in with his formula whenever I didn't get enough for his needs.

I took burpcloths with me that smelled like him to help my milk production and I tried thinking of him every time I was pumping, but I never produced a bunch. I kept thinking once he latched on, my body would catch up, but it didn't. By the time he got to try latching, I think my body was already in no-way-is-this-gonna-happen mode. Stress. Postpartum health issues. Severe diet restrictions.

I had a great pregnancy, despite being high risk and constantly tested. Despite having high blood pressure prior to pregnancy, it really wasn't altogether too bad during pregnancy {some doc visits it was as high as 154/90 but I was monitored closely with meds and it never went higher than that, and usually it was closer to the 120/80 borderline}. I really, truly had loved being pregnant and I hoped & prayed for the best after delivery.

Absolutely nothing about Elijah's birth or weeks after were what we wanted.

Even so, I fought and tried and tried HARD to be able to nurse my baby. He latched on at the hospital just enough to feel like we could do this. Once we were both home, it got tougher. He would sometimes latch and sometimes just want the bottle because it was faster for his eagerness. He's always been an eager eater {I blame the feeding tube!}. And he was never patient enough to latch well each time and wait for the food to come, often getting really agitated and it was so stressful for all of us. So he was supplemented with formula as needed. He had to be, and I don't regret that. He was used to the bottle already and he needed food.

I pumped constantly for 5 weeks {including the times he'd latch on because he never got fully enough}, I took natural vitamin supplements meant to increase milk production, and we went to lactation consultations. There was one time I specifically recall us being frustrated at home because he'd latch for 10-15 minutes but then totally fall asleep and just want to snuggle with me. It was sweet but also exasperating!! I wanted so badly to be able to naturally feed my son. Then we went to the lactation meeting and he did super, AND I was able to pump out more than ever before.

So we decided to make our environment more closely match that at the lactation consultant's. We changed the pump location to baby's room and we modified how I was sitting {more upright with a pillow nestled behind me}. With the help of Tim and family over those couple weeks, we really did seem to make good progress.

As a result of my high blood pressure, I was put on a strict diet. I watched my water closely and didn't have caffeine. But the low-salt, low-sugar, heart-healthy diet, as good as it was for me, also made it hard to make sure I was getting enough calories. We did our best though. But eventually, things started plummeting.

With the help of our amazing lactation consultant, we had to make the really hard decision. I was getting nothing in the pump anymore and he was entirely formula-fed. And I was completely maxed and stressed out. But still, I cried and cried and cried. I painfully agonized over it.

It was still a very hard decision and one we both wrestled with. We wanted the very best for our son, but it just wasn't working. I was ready to give up about a week before we did, but hubby helped encourage me to keep trying. He knew we'd both struggle with guilt later if we didn't try everything in our power or exhausted every resource before giving up.

He was right, but I can't tell you the relief that poured over me that Wednesday afternoon on week 5 when we decided to stop as we spoke on the phone with the lactation consultant. The next day we handed back in the hospital-grade pump we'd been renting from the hospital {recommended for NICU babies}, got a final weigh-in, and recapped it all with the lactation consultant who was super encouraging about us having done our best & how we had tried everything. When we left the hospital that day, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me.

It was so hard, but so good too. The stress and pressure of that was making it so hard for me to enjoy my baby.

Think about that. I couldn't even enjoy my baby at that point - it was all just too much. I'm glad we fought for it as hard as we did, but at the end of the day, it wasn't working and I needed to be able to relax and enjoy my little boy!

The reality I had to learn is, formula-fed babies turn out just fine too. We did nothing wrong, and we gave it our ALL before we gave up. I agree breastfeeding is best, but sometimes it just doesn't work out.

And that is OKAY!!

I'm here to tell you, if you've tried, then let it go. Doing your best is all you can do, rid yourself of the mommy guilt after that.

Though the advertising and marketing out there is correct - breastfeeding IS best - it can also have a detrimental effect on people like me. There are a lot of misunderstandings out there about breastfeeding. Those women who see it as an inconvenience they don't have time for or who don't want to deal with it because it sounds awful/painful/etc, they need these ads and they need to know it's not about them. But for those of us who try and have a really hard time having to give up, all of this can be really depressing and harmful for us.

Even the packaging of the formula says breastfeeding is best for your baby.

The questions when you go to the doctor. Daycare. Babysitter. Random conversations. All well-meaning or needed but I always feel a slight stab to the chest like I'm not one of those "good moms" who breastfeeds.

I'm not saying that they're judging me in these particular situations, but it's still hard not to feel a twinge of guilt and shame and remorse. We sure tried, but I'm not going to over-explain myself every single time I get asked. It just is what it is.

But it's hard.

I do struggle still with my own mommy guilt when I see the other moms at daycare bringing in their bottles of breastmilk. Or when I'm making my baby's bottle in the mall and I see a woman watching me pour the formula into the water. Yes I know her gaze might have just wandered or perhaps she recalls having been me once, but still... avert your gaze if you feel remotely inclined to do that. We just feel like we're being judged like "why on earth is that woman giving her baby formula when he should have breastmilk?!"

Seriously people, I know. I tried. I tried my very hardest.

It's just really sad because we all need support, love, encouragement, prayer, hearty laughter, and a decent amount of caffeine so really survive the challenges of motherhood.

So my hope is that by sharing my story, I've helped give an additional perspective to moms. 

For those of you who also tried and weren't able to nurse your baby: Give it your ALL and then if it doesn't work, let it go. Relax, you tried.

Grace, peace, and all my best moms!

7 Months

Loves standing in his Exersaucer. Granted, only for about 10 minutes, but still!
Sits up well on his own now, with some toppling over here and there
Eating baby food - so far he's had lots of rice cereal, some peas, squash, and green beans
No longer using a pacifier.
Can sleep without a sleep sack or swaddler now.
Forgot his sound machine on our Christmas trip and he slept just fine without it. We have a good sleeper on our hands! {Except when he's sick.}
Loves mirrors now and gets giggly and excited to see himself. Even more so when it's a camera or if we replay a video of himself. He loves it!
Loves music - I regularly sing to him, we sing before bed every night, and his favorite toys are the ones that play music.
Enjoys hiding and peek-a-boo games

Smiles a lot, but not when we try really hard like with the camera {so pardon the blur up top but it was the only smiley one I caught!}
We've done some sign language around him, but the main one we use consistently is "up", though we change the sign slightly and just use both thumbs pointing upward. Now whenever we say that and do the sign, he has started reaching for us!! It's so neat to see him reacting to things like this.

He opens his mouth once you pop the lid off the bottle and sometimes bats his arms around. He knows it's coming and you'd better hurry up. If you pull the bottle even slightly out he will move his head forward to get the bottle entirely in his mouth.

Wants to especially eat anything electronic or books
Turns to face the TV if it's on and he's near it, especially Wheel of Fortune. It's become his and his daddy's "show". Our friend Julie swung by the other night and Elijah was hanging out in his Exersaucer with the upper half of his body turned at the TV trying to watch this show. So funny - Julie got quite a kick out of it too. We try to avoid his exposure to TV somewhat {we are not great at this, but we're trying!} but this just cracks us up.

Always needs to move one arm around, especially when eating. He typically bats around whichever arm isn't next to you. It's funny until he uses it to reach up and grab your face or suddenly smack your eye.
Grabbing and gripping items so well now, I love watching him progress with this, including putting a sippy cup up to his mouth {nothing really in it, just letting him get the feel for it}.

Stays on his tummy really well for long periods now, until he rolls. And then sometimes rolls, rolls, rolls, and rolls some more. Sometimes until he's partially under the couch. Our little dust bunny. :)
He loves stretching up his neck to where he tries to see over the crib when we come into the room. Sometimes to the point where he puts his head far enough back that he flips over. It still surprises him.
When we come into the room to get him, he hears our voice or sees our face and will just flap his arms and legs around in sheer excitement. Brings so much delight to our hearts!

Trying to scooch forward by grabbing blankets or whatever he's on to move forward, especially if he sees a toy in front of him.
Loves looking outside and if he's up against your shoulder he'll lean back and smack his arms around in excitement {hold on tight!}
Pulls at his eyes a lot like he's trying to pop his eyeball out :(
Has beautiful long eyelashes and gorgeous blue eyes
His hair is finally growing in more over the bald spot in the back {when he was on his back a decent amount; now he sleeps on his side or tummy even though we put him down on his back}. His hair is really lightening and in certain lights there's almost a red tint.
He has thick thighs and is stronger than he knows! Especially during diaper changes. Oy vey.
He also has a big head and fits in 9 month clothes the best. Some 6-9 month clothes just don't fit anymore around the thighs or head.
Can be in a big boy stroller now! {In the picture below we are testing it out at home first to make sure he does well in it. Good thing too because a wheel popped off and Tim had to fix it later! Also, yep, he's chewing on the strap.} 

Gets really excited when we pull up FaceTime with Grandma
If I'm upset he stares at me wide-eyed like he's looking deep into my soul, consoling me. If I'm crying, he'll lay up against me and one time recently when I was a sobbing hot-mess, he also then leaned back and gave me a big smile once I'd calmed down. **swoon**
{Thank you so much Walgreens for making me cry harder than I have in a very long time. Messing with my son's medicine and making it a very aggravating situation does not help anybody!! Grrrr.}

Still squeezes his hands and feet tightly shut.
Can maneuver his arms out of his sleeper.
Grunts a lot and it's turned into a bit of an annoying whine lately
Intrigued by feet and socks - his or mine. If nothing else will do I'll dance my feet around in front of him and he will calm down.
Turns and watches well now as you walk around
Grabs his toes and puts them in his mouth, especially when on the changing table

Loves his daycare. He smiles and gets excited seeing the teacher every morning, especially when he's been gone a little bit and she claps & cheers. The kids get along great, and he has another boy that was born 2 days before him at the same hospital and they were together in the NICU for a time {we didn't know each other then} and they seem to really have fun together. I'm so thankful for this little family-away-from-home!

Gnaws on everything he can. He has 3 teeth in and you can see the whites of 2 more teeth peeking through. Visit and keep your fingers to yourself or he will chomp down! Below he is trying to get his 7-month sticker so he can chomp on it.

Growing like crazy!! Love you little man!

Other parents: we realize some of this might be all babies or similar to your baby, but thank you for letting us revel in our son and all these fun things we are seeing in him that make him special! :)

Life as a NICU Mom

It was unlike anything I'd ever seen or experienced before.

The kind of traumatic thing you don't easily forget. My heart would catch in my throat every time I entered those doors.

I remember the first time well.

It. was. awful.

Not where I imagined seeing my son the day after his birth.

Months later, I still struggle to write about it. I have so many things I still want to share with you all. So much that happened. So much I want to say. I still need to fully write out Elijah's birth story.

As I've been working on Christmas cards and photo books recapping our first 5 months together, I still end up having to walk away from the computer after a time. I still get emotional and my body gets all tightened up over it.

It's just not something easy to put behind me.

There are even harder things out there, for sure. This was a big deal for me. I sometimes still can't fully process that it happened to us. That we weren't living in an alternate reality.

That first time I got to go see him. I was pushed in a wheelchair down the hallways with crying babies and happy but tired mamas to the private elevator for parents only from Mother & Baby straight to the NICU so we didn't have to leave my unit or interact with the public. Pushed up to the door where we were seen on a little security camera and we had to pick up the phone and announce that we are Elijah's parents, here to see him. I welled up with tears and cringed with anxiety and a lot of fears.

As my husband, mother, and father all washed up, they showed me how to as well {they'd all been down there a few times already before I was allowed to get out of bed after my c-section}. Three minutes of scrubbing our hands and forearms with this slimy stuff that would wipe away all the germs and practically take off the top layer of my skin, so that I could go see my own son.

Elijah was located at the back of the unit, straight down from where we signed in. I remember as Tim pushed me and told me where he was, I stared at the number to his little curtained room. It felt like forever to get there. I wanted to run to him, pick him up, console him, tell him it would be okay.

Instead my heart caught in my throat. The monitors attached to him. The beeps. The cries. I got tighter. Tried so hard to keep the tears locked in me so no one would see how much I hurt for my baby. I couldn't let all these nurses see my hurt.

But oh did it hurt. I couldn't process that this was my child.

He'd come out of me about 24 hours prior. How was this all possible? I'd just had a c-section, barely able to process that I even had a child, much less that he was alive and in the NICU. I was in a state of complete shock, thinking I must have certainly been dreaming and that this nightmare would end.

They don't prepare you for this in those childbirth classes. We didn't know how to act. They weren't sure where to stand. I was maneuvered around in my wheelchair several times before I was positioned better to be able to touch Elijah. We were in shock and so uncomfortable.

My heart broke in two as I held his little leg under a warming unit. In a tiny place he didn't belong. I stared in wonder at my little boy, broken, needing help breathing, attached to all kinds of stuff. Scary. So unsettling.

My mommy instincts kicked in and I knew he needed some loving, so even though the nurse wasn't too sure {he was still pretty sick and vulnerable at this point}, we were allowed to hold him for a short time.

He was attached to so many things it was hard. I barely had enough strength to hold him for a bit. Tim was able to do skin-to-skin. My mom and dad briefly held him. I was limited to an hour down there. It was time to leave.

Elijah was crying at the top of his lungs as we left.

My heart broke apart.

And I completely lost it. I buried my head in my robe sobbing as Tim wheeled me away, signed us out, and we went back into our private little elevator.

Comforts came from all three as I tried to settle my tears and stared at the floor.

It didn't get much easier the remaining 10 days we visited him there, but we did get more comfortable as the days wore on. We knew we needed to be advocates for our son, and my mom helped remind me that we can speak up and not be shy. Once we got some SUPER great nurses we definitely started to feel better. They reminded us it's okay to fight for our child, that even though the nurses get attached and want what's best for the child's health, the parents are still in charge.

That's not the story I've heard from every NICU parent. Sometimes nurses and doctors can make things way harder than needed on the parents. Our nurses {save a couple...} were phenomenal. We couldn't have asked for better care for our son!

----

The NICU is the type of thing where people have sympathy, but they definitely can't fully understand it unless they've been through it.

There's nothing like it. There just isn't. You think you can understand, but I know I thought I did and really didn't. It's incomprehensible.

There's an unspoken respect between parents, but not lots of conversation. There are quiet nods toward each other of mutual understanding and no need for words as you watch the other parents talk to their baby's doctor or nurse, as they hear the bad news and cup their hands over their faces, and as you watch the other parents staring at their baby, praying they'll be okay. You don't hear much laughter or cheering in that place... unless you're there when the Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup and they announce it over the otherwise-never-used intercom system. 

The nurses try to make it easier. They give you notes "from your son" when you're visiting him in the NICU on your 35th birthday, and they give you cake. They give him a mohawk after bath time and save a picture of it for you. They encourage you to keep pumping and trying to get milk, and they give you his burp cloth he's been laying on in hopes the scent will help your milk production. They make butterfly artwork with his feet and turn it into Butterfly Kisses from your son. They smile and pat your back when the tears still come on day 10 as you leave him one more time, knowing the next day will finally be his last in that place. They hug you and console you, and close the curtain around you to give you privacy as they say they'll be next door if you need anything. Amazing. Those nurses are rockstars!!

But still... nothing can replace the feeling you have when you finally get to leave. You want so badly to be there for your child, but sometimes if you stay just one minute longer you may scream.

I nearly tripped over my own two feet one day as I got out of there as fast as I could, looking for a trash can and then needing to hide out in the bathroom for a few minutes as the world spun and I nearly vomited everywhere. It was just such a sickening experience.

I couldn't stand another moment of watching my child going through all of that.

And I couldn't stand another moment of the tears, beeps, cries, heartache of other kids and families. Watching the suffering and sadness in that place is gut-wrenching. Watching our child move to a back room once he was doing better while another baby got the bigger, acute-care room Elijah had just been in was hard. Watching that baby, so teeny tiny, be surrounded by doctors and equipment as he got set up to spend likely many months there just made me so sick.

It's just all too hard.

Harder than I ever could have imagined possible.

----

Looking back I can certainly see things that were good that came out of it. Things we learned, ways we grew, and the new understanding we have of these kinds of situations.

Days spent in a NICU changes a person. 

It will never leave us. That sorrow. That challenging time.

But oh, the sweet sweet joy we have every day with our now thriving son.

Worth every second. Every bill. Every insurance issue. Every phone call. Every follow-up doctor appointment. Every fear. Every concern. Every smile.

I wouldn't trade him for the world.

And therefore, I wouldn't trade his birth story for the world.

I wish it were different. But it just isn't. It's our story now. And if you're a NICU or former NICU parent, just hear me in saying:

You are not alone. It does get better. The further you get from the experience, it does eventually start to get easier to swallow.

We could not have done it without our faith in God. Ever. Cannot imagine even attempting.

I confess my struggle with it all, but that I'm also deeply and fully filled with overflowing thanks to God for our precious boy, the gift he is, and for that time in the NICU as it made us into who we are today. We are so thankful Elijah is still with us today!!

We know that's not always the case. We have friends who watched their baby boy die in the NICU about 6 months after his birth. It was so tragic. So devastating. But they know the love of God and they have hope they will see their baby again in Heaven. They know it's going to be okay.

It doesn't make the pain go away, but it does make every day a little easier as we await the glory that comes on the other side.

For those of you who might be going through this today or something similar, know that God is with you. He will never leave or forsake you.

Hang in there! It does eventually get better.

Life as a First-Time Mom

First-time motherhood is unlike anything else in this world.

The fears and concerns you are riddled with make you wonder why you ever wanted this in the first place. At least for those first few weeks. Before they smile up at you and start reacting, and you remember... that's why.

You've been so wanting to make a dent in this world, that you end up realizing it might leave a dent in you before you're done. And that this little person relying on you for literally every single need and want just might be the death of you.

It's pretty surreal. You wonder if you'll fit in with the other moms. You watch them at the park. You wonder how they maneuver and catch things all 4 of their kids are doing. You marvel at their impeccable hair and skin while you feel like you're rolling in dirt.

You don't want to make a wrong move. Even changing your own baby's diaper in front of mastered mothers you feel your hands shaking and suddenly wonder if you're doing it all wrong as they stare down at you.

But the reality is... they look back at you with fondness and good memories of their own kids at that time. They aren't looking down at you, they're looking at the cute baby face that no one can get enough of.

The difference is, they know how hard it is. They know they survived it, sometimes just barely. They have sweet empathy for you. They want to tell you it's going to be okay, but they remember how they blew that off when they were you. Thinking the poop, spit-up, and laundry would never end.

Then they had a 2nd... and a 3rd... and everything's in a whole new perspective to them now. While you wish you were them, having it all "figured out", they wish they were you back at the beginning before 4 kids when it was easier and they still had some of their body left.

Hence why comparing continues to just be a burden to everyone. We just need to stop. And literally smell the roses. Because where we are all at right now is good. Very, very good.

----

There are days when life seems to just barrel on past.

In the midst of the streams of poop and spit-up and mess that you feel will never end, you realize suddenly that life is flying by.

While you're so busy changing diapers, grabbing burp cloths, feeding baby at an almost-constant rate, and washing baby items so much you're losing your mind... it strikes you that your baby is suddenly 5 months old and this is crazy.

Even though everyone tells you to savor the moments because it all goes by in the blink of an eye, and you are genuinely being intentional about savoring it and enjoying your baby, it still doesn't help.

You glance back and think "WHAT?!?!" How on earth is he already 5 months old?

I sure can't believe it.

This new mom stuff is mega hard. Crazy challenging. And hard to savor the moments and the sweet life joys because you're being pulled in so many new exciting crazy directions that you can barely remember what it is to breathe.

----

Life has dramatically altered. And yet, there's so much that's still the same for me, and I'm super grateful. It was important for me to feel like myself again after about 8-10 weeks of turned-upside-down-craziness.

Elijah has become an additional piece of our family that seems so natural, it's hard to explain. I can't really remember life before him, even though we had quite a long journey until he came along.

Life as a first-time mom is just totally surreal. That's the best way to describe it. For me, I'm older and more easily tired. I fight Fibromyalgia and laugh sometimes that I ever wanted to do this, while I would also never change it for the world.

People who tell you parenting is the hardest and yet best, most rewarding thing you'll ever do, know what they're talking about.

I remember thinking I understood. That with all my questions and watching so many parents so closely, and with babysitting, that I at least somewhat got it.

To a degree, that's still true. I was more prepared than I would have been otherwise. But I didn't really understand or fully get it.

Now... my days are busy and full, in ways I never could have imagined.

I feel an exhaustion further deep into my bones than I knew was possible.

I physically ache for my baby when he's not with me, even when I'm utterly grateful for the break and glad he's not with me at that moment. It's strange. To physically ache for him while also mentally being so happy to have a break. And fighting guilt because I think I shouldn't feel that way, but whatevs, I'm going to sip this hot chocolate and stare at a journal at Starbucks and breathe deep because it's baby-quiet.

There's so much joy and such a sense of responsibility that sometimes you just stare at your baby in awe and can't process how this is your life. Not showering. Forgetting that it's been 24 hours since you brushed your teeth. Going through more physical pain and challenges than you could have ever imagined to bring him into this world.

Going through the ringer of emotions watching him fight for his life for 11 days in the NICU.

Getting to finally care for him for the first time. Feeding and burping him for the first time when he was about a week old. Changing his diaper for the first time several days after he was born. Watching other people soothe him and learning to be okay with that because it seemed to make him more okay with a variety of people holding him 5 months later.

Watching him smile for the first time. Hearing his first laugh. Watching him roll over and cheering so loudly you thought you might rattle the house to the ground. Then wanting him to stop because he's turning over every time you lay him down and he gets mad and you can't get anything done and you want him to slow down on that growing thing while also so happy he's developing properly and hitting those milestones.

Then there are the more personal things. Still wearing the maternity camisoles or the nursing bras, even months past nursing. Lack of attention to tweezing facial hair or highlighting your hair. And oh golly, how little that stuff actually matters anymore. But you want so badly to fit in and look good, but really, look at that cute baby!! 

Life becomes about this little one who relies on you for every single want and need. Some days feel like all I do is feed him, burp him, change his diaper, clean up his spit-up, talk to him, sing to him, read to him, play with him, console him, etc etc. But I know this is all worthwhile and has a lasting effect so even in those constant-never-get-a-minute-to-myself moments, I'm grateful.

And also because I go back in time and read posts like this one about longing to be a mommy. {Ironically written just weeks before I got pregnant....}

Though the truth is I struggle to feel like because I waited 13 years for this and longed for a child for soooo long that I should be 100% joyful all the time!! I feel guilty if I'm not totally happy. I love Elijah so much, but there are just long, hard days where things feel sad, overwhelming, and bleak.

I didn't think I'd feel that way. I know some of it is hormonal. I'm thankful for my OB doctor giving me an anti-depressant two days after his birth when she could tell I was struggling, especially with him in the NICU. I'm thankful my regular doctor told me to stay on it until at least 6 months because of all the body changes, hormonal changes, and struggles that come with being a new mom. I would have gone off it earlier if she hadn't said that, because I had no idea this would happen to someone like me.

I feel sometimes like we as Christians think it's a bad thing to be on something like an anti-depressant, and I think that's wrong. We need to do away with misconceptions, like that it's a spiritual thing, because that's just not always true.

Though honestly, for me right now, I am fighting a bit of a spiritual battle, on top of everything else. Some hormonal, some just general life questions, some just related to our hard start. But I know God is taking me through this season of questioning for a reason. Perhaps because once Elijah is older, I can help him to understand what I've learned through this process.

Part of that is, that I love being his mom. Wouldn't trade it for anything, no matter what. That there were hard days, but soooo many good moments and good days mixed in. That the good make the bad worth it. So worth it. That I will always love him, no matter what. That God was teaching me what first mommyhood really is so I could have more compassion and grace for other moms in the trenches.

That I realize just how much I need my Savior Jesus. That I realize more now what a sacrifice it was for God to send his only Son to the cross to die.

That even as I struggle through the burp cloths, diaper explosions, and rushing around to make sure we have everything he might possibly need before we go anywhere... that my heart is so very full, so very happy, and I would do anything for this little boy. That I know when he's a man someday, I'll look back in awe at these early days and how fast they went. That when he's a man, I'll be even more grateful for the time I had to train him up in the way he would go.

I love being a mom. It truly is the hardest and best thing I've ever done.


*Please keep in mind this post is meant to share my first-time mom experience and talk about the good & the bad. In no way do I mean this to offend any non-parents or make anyone feel disheartened for not having kids. I remember having been there. Please do not be discouraged - your life is very meaningful even without children!! Just keep impacting the kids that are in your life! I know the feeling, and believe me, this is not meant to discourage you. Hugs!*

A Sprinkle Baby Shower

You all have heard me speak of my dearest friend Monica. This past October, a few of us ladies set aside a Saturday to treat Monica to a special shower. She has two boys and with this being her first girl, we wanted to celebrate and give her pink things, frills, bows, etc. 

After a long, trying pregnancy, challenges around every corner, and labor signs for over a month, Monica's body has been done with pregnancy seemingly for a while now. But baby wasn't ready to come out until this morning!! For the first time in 3 pregnancies, baby girl Avery was born 5 days past her due date {the boys were both born about a week before their due dates}. 

We are SOOOO thrilled for this great family that their baby girl is finally here! In honor of that, I thought it was high time I posted these pics that I've had sitting in a draft post for over a month!

We had to have an elaborate amount of pink, of course!! Pinterest decoration ideas here and here.

And what better than some delicious girly food?!

My homemade cherry coffee cake, and apple cider donuts that I bought fresh from a local farm.

Sarah's crustini

Sarah's veggies, pita chips, and hummus

Annie's fruit kabobs

My sausage & egg breakfast bake

Our coffee barista & hostess extraordinare for the day, Sherah!

Our replacement of a game was to stuff and ice our own cupcakes. Thanks for the idea Pinterest! Sherah did a fabulous job making the cupcakes, even making special ones for our vegan friend Sarah, made some homemade whipped cream, and colored the icing. Sherah also found this thing that pushes down the middle of the cupcake so you can easily fill it with pudding or icing, kind of like a donut. It was delightful!!

Sherah included these precious favor boxes so we could take our cupcakes with us if we didn't want to eat them there. So great!

We all had so much fun!

I gave the devotional. It was so special to me to have been asked. I was nervous, but it went well and Monica said it was precious for her too. That's all I needed to know. :) Just wanted to encourage and give honor to God.

Annie utilized this idea I'd found on Pinterest and made it her own. It was SO special!! We all wrote down wishes for baby and favorite Bible verses for Monica's encouragement. Annie then collected them all into a little scrapbook of sorts that she tied together right there on the spot. Perfect!

Writing and thinking...

Annie had also sent the idea to Monica's mom and sister. She received their letters and then included those in the book. We also read a couple of them aloud to Monica on their behalf. It was really special. So glad she thought to do this!!

Another decoration idea from Pinterest - kind of.

Then it was time for gifts!

We all had so much fun at Monica's intimate baby girl shower, and we are so thankful for the gifts of all of these girls!

Monica & Heather

Sarah & Monica

Annie & Monica

Monica & ... who is that??

Monica & shower-idea-hostess Sherah

So many ladies were there with us in spirit. There was so much already going on that weekend, not everyone who wanted to could make it. But it was a very sweet, special time for us to shower love onto Monica & Avery, and we all came away feeling blessed.

We love you, friend! And we are sooooo glad baby Avery is finally here!!!!

Meeting Santa

We went to a holiday kickoff festival at our local library today, where there was a festival of Christmas trees to view, and a chance to meet Santa! I think Santa was more afraid of Eli than he was of Santa!! LOL. :)