The Preciousness of Life

I have a good friend that was in a bad car accident on Saturday, coming very close to losing her life, and yet God very much protected her & her unborn baby. They are both perfectly fine!!

I have another good friend struggling through the very difficult, very painful loss of her baby daughter who lived for just 6 hours in December. And the loss isn't even the worst of it, facing the reality of life beyond the loss is almost more painful than the loss itself.

I read a blog post tonight about a woman's husband's death at the end of December.

It all just really brings everything back into focus.

Life is so very precious. 

I snuggle my little one tight. Even in the midst of hard days, teething, being so tired he just whines and cries all day. Even in the midst of more poopy diapers than I care to count, food wasted because he suddenly decides he doesn't want it even though he was crying with starvation-like cries moments earlier. Even in the midst of the whining that doesn't seem to cease all of a sudden. I don't want any of that to suck the joy out of my heart - the true joy of being a mom to this sweet and precious boy.

I am reminded to be a kinder, gentler, more supportive wife in the midst of the hard days. And a better mother.

Because I truly have no idea what's coming around the bend. None of us do. We could be gone in the next minute. We really need to stop running about our crazy lives like everything will fall apart if we don't get this thing done perfectly or if we don't look just a certain way.

Stop right now. Breathe deep. Listen to what's happening around you. And smile.

Because no matter what's happening in this moment, it is a moment to treasure as it will never come again.

I'm reading a book right now called Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. And it's so amazing. Exhilarating. And not the kind of book I can just tear through in a week. It takes me a while to soak in what she's saying because it's just hitting me in all the right places.

Where I'm reading currently (chapter 4), she talks about a friend's mother whose funeral she'd just gone to and she talks about how people said the lady fought cancer but never complained and no one knew how much she really suffered.

I honestly have no idea how anyone would do that.

I don't want to be known to be a grumbler or complainer, yet it's a lot of what I do. Not because I want to or mean to, it's just so easy to do. To focus on the negatives or the hardships.

It's so easy to be discontent and get stuck in a rut, and then the hardship someone else goes through makes yours look like a cakewalk and makes you stop and think.

Or something happens in our own lives that jolts us back to reality. Like my friend who was in the car accident was telling me. You can go about life as usual and then, wham. 

The preciousness of life is brought back into view.

Wow, just wow.

I am so grateful for this life. This space to openly share my thoughts, whatever they may be. So grateful for God's grace and mercy, and the ways that he's shaping each of us every day.

The Mom Club

It's exclusive.

It can be judgmental.

It's only for moms.

Moms understand what other moms are going through in ways no other person can understand.

Despite that I'm content with the idea that I may never be a mom, there's a part of my heart that still really hurts as I process the idea that I really may never be a part of the mom club.

I love kids. I'm good with kids. I know I have a special influence in the lives of the kids I know.

But just like some of my friends who struggle with never being a part of the wife club, or always being a bridesmaid but never a bride... I feel like the "aunt" who will never be truly a part of the mom club.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my friends who are moms. They don't make me feel awkward. They don't leave me out, they do their best to include me. I soooo appreciate that. But no matter how much they try or I try, it doesn't change the fact that I can never truly understand or really be at the same place in life.

I know a lot more than some who don't have kids because I get involved, I listen to the moms share the detailed parts about labor, delivery, nursing, and all the ups and downs about parenting, discipline, true exhaustion, etc.

But the reality is still there. It just is what it is.

And some days the reality is just really, really, really hard.

It's hard to breathe.

Difficult Weeks

I go through the motions of life.

Doing okay in the grand scheme of things. Thankful for the blessings I have.

But in those still, quiet moments with God... if I'm truly honest I admit that

I'm 

falling 

apart

Completely and utterly broken.

Over a difficult issue/relationship. Over failed attempts to make things better. Over being misunderstood and judged.

Over being insanely stressed out, under pressure for an extensive period of time, and nearly burnt out at work. {And yes, I still love my job!}

Over events that are close to my heart and making me sick to my stomach. Deep conversations over stuff that really matters but is so confusing and complex it makes my head explode.

Over a dear family member fighting cancer, and potentially facing a rapidly losing battle. It absolutely tears my heart in two.

On the flip side, there's been an influx of absolutely precious times with friends that give me a glimpse of hope and a solace for my broken heart. Key times with the Lord that have been necessary for healing my wounds.

If I'm completely real and authentic, I can say that these past two weeks have truly been rough in my heart. Not really on the outside. I want to be real but also know that it all could be worse that I could be in even darker, harder places {and I have been before, not that long ago}. But the reality is if I'm honest, I'm in a difficult place right now. Not the worst, not the best. It just is what it is.

I know my faith is being tested.

That Satan heard me raving about my true peace, contentment, and joy - and he set to work on trying to knock me down several pegs.

I refuse to let him win. I refuse to succumb to the challenges ahead. I dig in my tough side and get ready with my boxing gloves.

I'm not going down. I'm going to fight.

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
(1 Corinthians 15:56-58, ESV)

Because I've got God on my side, and I know through him we have eternal hope, blessed assurance, and ultimate victory.

Which reminds me of a favorite hymn....

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Choosing to rest in Him today, no matter what may come my way!

What's for Dinner?

I made ravioli and garlic bread tonight for dinner.

In the midst of a nasty Fibromyalgia flare-up, it's a blessing to be able to even stand over the stove.

It was made from 2 boxes and 1 can... and I'm proud of it. 

Blah

A dear friend of mine and I talked recently about how we are in a bit of a funk.

Life is good. We have no real complaints. Nothing major is going on in our lives.

We have no tears, no huge laughs... just going about our lives as usual.

We just feel blah. 

Have you ever been in a funk? No real words to describe it, nothing wrong necessarily, but you just feel kind of ho-hum about life? You're thankful and you know God is good, but you just feel like things are okay and life is just going on around you?

I have no answers, no real words of wisdom or encouragement.

Just being real and throwing this out there. This is where I'm at right now.

So... how are you today - really?

Feeling Blue

Today I had a moment where I was ready to break.

Fall apart. At the seams. And just run away.

Then in the bathroom at work while crying out to God silently he directed me to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
{don't tell me I'm the only one who pops out my iPhone and browses those nifty Bible apps that go with you everywhere like while... ahem, you know....}

I immediately felt silly. How prideful and caught up in myself I get.

My struggles. My fears. My frustrations. My sin. My inability to be perfect.

In that moment as God gripped me, I was quickly able to recognize the positives of everything happening around me. Only by the grace of God.

But I was struck that my heartache was worth rejoicing over. Rejoice always. There's no modifier to that. We are commanded to always rejoice. No matter what.

No matter that we're afraid we'll never be a parent. No matter that we're afraid that coworkers think badly of us because they misunderstood a situation.

No matter that we constantly fail and sin. No matter that we can't seem to control our perfection... or serious lack thereof. No matter that we are constantly in physical pain.

Rejoice always.

Rejoice always... In the midst of not having kids. In the midst of not being seen perfectly or as we might want some people to see us. In the midst of constantly feeling judged for being overweight.

In the midst of major car issues. In the midst of our own health issues. In the midst of death, destruction, chaos, and pain.

In the midst of a favorite uncle just being told the thought-it-was-almost-gone cancer has become inoperable, terminal bone cancer.

In the midst of a dear friend's father's near-death tractor accident. In the midst of a long, long recovery road ahead.

In the midst of Fibromyalgia pain and fatigue that's so intense there's not a day this week where I haven't cried out to God to heal me. Now. Please. Through tears even now. I must choose to rejoice. Always.

In my flesh, I don't want to. I don't want be happy about all of this. I don't want to say right now that I know God is good, even though I know he is. I want to be stubborn and frustrated and tearful and sad that my life is never going to be what I thought it would be. I want to scream and kick and cry that I can't seem to do anything right these days.

Just for right now. Just for a moment. I want to be real that this is my pain, my situation.

But the Bible says rejoice always. I want to grow in that, but while I'm growing, can I be real here and just say it's really, really hard right now?

Oh how I long for Heaven. Pain-free, sin-free, and rejoicing always.

Our practice time is here on earth. To learn how to rejoice in everything, whereas someday in Heaven we'll be rejoicing for real. Always. With nothing to hold us back.

Nothing to hold us back!


Wow.

Until that day, I must choose to rejoice as God has commanded. I will do my best.

Until then, I want to be who God has called me to be. I will do my best.

I might be struggling in this very moment, but I'm thankful that God grips me, hasn't given up on me, and constantly reminds me of his presence, his goodness, and his grace even when I'm being a bit of a moron. I'm so thankful for his redeeming grace, for his love poured out on the cross so that in our pain and weakness and stumbles, his glory might be revealed.

Friends: rejoice always. 


I'm working on it. Will you work on it with me?

Fibro, Life, Bleh...

Tonight I feel miserable.

Physically I feel rotten. Emotionally I'm going downhill.

I feel like a failure at work, I can't possibly do everything I need to be doing at once. I screwed something up today. I feel inept and incapable.

After whipping up some very quick grilled cheese sandwiches, chips, and applesauce for dinner tonight, I fell apart on the couch, exhausted, and hubster wasn't even home to share in the dinner.

Hubster was running an errand with my car and getting gas for it. Getting gas has been its big issue for weeks now. Every time we think we have it fixed, it turns out it isn't fixed. It stalled at the gas station upon Tim putting gas in it and he had to wait about 15 minutes or so before he could drive away. Thankful he did this, but it was a rough day and a weird night.

I had a great weekend with my dad, and we had a lot of really good, deep, connecting conversations. It was therapeutic and wonderful. But now my mom & stepdad are coming this weekend and while I'm looking forward to it, I have no idea where one iota of energy is going to come from.

I'm trying really hard to get back into a solid workout routine. But the initial push always makes me exhausted and in horrific pain. This is how I feel today. The elevator is broken at work so even in my down, most-painful moments I don't have a back-up for getting around.

For tonight, I just have a bad attitude and am sulking. It's just what it is. I'll get over it.

Just Being Real

I'm doing terrible.

No sugar-coating here. I want to be the raw, real deal.

I feel awful. My heart is feeling shredded to pieces. The pain is almost too much to bear.

And if I didn't have Christ bearing it all for me, I truly don't think I'd be making it at all right now.

So there you have it. The wounds are deep and infected. The reality of so many layers of burdens, heartache, tears, suffering, and hardship in our lives are becoming incredibly overwhelming and making me feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and hide.

But... in the midst of it all, I see, trust, and feel God's faithfulness and goodness. Like his showing me he cares during a rough-20-minutes late kind of morning where suddenly I look behind me at the stoplight and there's Monica & Parker coming to a stop. We smile & wave. Next stoplight we pull up next to each other and I get to wave, talk to briefly, and see the look of surprise & joy on Parker's face in sighting me.

It was the kind of morning where I could barely roll out of bed with all the pain. Physical and emotional. It was awful.

I prayed the entire way in about so many things on my heart & mind, and asked God to just show me a sign of his faithfulness. And that's when Monica & Parker came into view. As she & I emailed about it this morning, it really is amazing how God shows care for us. She was dropping off her hubby who was also running late for work. She spontaneously decided to go to Starbucks and made a wrong turn going in, making it longer than usual to get in. I had a haphazard morning of spinning in circles, forgetting things, and managing to do everything harder and longer than usual this morning in my attempt to get ready for work. Then I managed to get behind every slow driver along the 40 minute drive in today.

It took a lot of orchestrating of little details by God for us to run across each other's paths today. But he knew I needed it, and he showed me even in that minor event that he is truly faithful to provide for our every need if only we continually seek after him. Seeing one of my nearest & dearest friends & her sweet kiddo absolutely made an otherwise painstakingly tough day survivable & wonderful! It made me so thankful and I cried the rest of the way to work.

I'm so thankful for his love & care for us even in the small stuff!!

Big.

Looming.

Dark.

Scary.

Big.

image from benjamin venancie on flickr

We have some pretty big decisions to make. 

I'm overwhelmed.

Scared.

Frightened.

Breathless.

Amazed at all God is doing and will do.

BIG.

In the midst of all of it, I feel like a big nobody.

A big fraidy-cat. 

Totally scared of the possibilities. 

Trying to trust God completely in this.

Scared of the reality.

Scared of what awaits us on the other side of these decisions.

BIG.

Big decisions.

Big thoughts looming in my head.

Big arguments.

Big battles.

Small people.

Just trying to serve a BIG God.

Afraid.

Big time.

Quick Update & Links

I've been really struggling off and on with some stuff. Some things I'm trying to just sort out with friends in real life. Some things I'm not telling anyone. Some things I've been calling out to God about. Some things that I'll share here when I finally figure out the right words.

So in light of that, I wanted to post a few links of really encouraging words today that I can't help but share with you.

Plotting for Our Joy

Words of Wisdom

Why Shouldn't I Adopt?

When You Pass through the Waters

I hope you find them as encouraging as I do. Another encouraging word is in my sidebar under "Quote of the Week".

Now just for good measure, and because I miss them like crazyyyyy, check out the fun dear friend Monica & my little buddy Parker are having this week in California. :)

I hope to be back with regular posts soon. In the meantime, I'm listening to this song over and over and over... and resting in God's love and sovereignty even when I can't breathe from being so overwhelmed, am in too much pain to see straight, or when I'm overcome with emotion from my past. God is good.

Real Honesty

Do you have those days weeks where you're so busy you can't even see straight? Where you're just sure at the end of a long day, if you have to do just one more thing like cook dinner, you just make completely melt down? That you make your husband deliriously happy one night in begging him to bring home some form of delicious/ nutritious take-out Taco Bell?!

I've been stressed out to the max this week with some tense and difficult situations both at work and personally. So on an insane day like today - as we also prepare our home for guests for this holiday weekend - we went with paper plates, a quick toss of some ham steaks in the skillet, some leftover chips from our family reunion on Saturday, and a banana!

Nothing too exciting, but it sure did the trick for tonight!

And yes, if you look closely, that is my foot propped up in the background. My left foot has been in excruciating pain the past couple of weeks - like someone is taking a large knife and grinding it through the top so that every time I step on the ball of my foot, the top just kills me. It's the thing I accidentally forgot to talk to my doctor about in my last appointment. So it was nice to eat on the couch while resting my foot! 

How's that for some real honesty? I wouldn't usually share that with just anybody, but given that I've also had trouble sleeping and am laying here awake, I figure why not?!

What's a real, possibly embarrassing, thing you've done recently as a result of stress?

Life in my 30's

Last week at lunch with a group of friends from work, I joked about how you start to notice all the 'older' stuff your body feels after you turn 30. And how it is a bit of a downward slant at that point. Not that it's all bad, but was just poking fun of the young 20's peeps in the car and telling them {sarcastically} all they have to look forward to when turning 30.

I partially meant it, partially didn't. I do think you start noticing more of the things you can't do when you were younger, but not in the same way I'm sure as when you're even older. And of course everything depends on how you take care of yourself. It's all a matter of perspective and lifestyle. There are some who feel better at 50 or 60 than they ever have. I hope to be one of those people and be able to look back at this conversation and laugh!

Later I explained to one of the guys that it really isn't so bad, how it's actually been a bit more enjoyable. I wanted to post here the things that I've seen change in the past several years for me.

• My late 20's was a hodge podge of confusion, turmoil, no resolution to frustrations, the beginning of my Fibro, and some traumatic events that I wouldn't truly deal with completely--and see true growth from--until I hit my 30's.
• Starting out in my 30's, I hit a streak of rebellion, restlessness, and resistance to a lot of what had happened in my life, and I fought against God. I got to one of my lowest points ever for questioning my faith and everything I had ever believed in, all the while putting on a smile and trying to be someone I wasn't feeling like being.
• 30.5-32.5 {or so} were a couple of really hard years for me where God brought me to rock bottom to really teach me some things and more dependence on him.
• At 1 month today from turning 33, I can look back at those years and thank God for the rough waters, the turbulent tides, the deep valleys, and see his goodness & grace more than ever. He really proved himself faithful to me, despite my misgivings, fears, anxieties, and mistrust. 

And now....

• My faith has become my own.
• I'm comfortable in my own skin. 
• I'm getting the difference between being real and being hypocritical. 
• I'm able to truly, truly, truly be thankful for my Fibromyalgia instead of walking around like a depressed zombie.
• I love to laugh more than ever.
• I love spending time with family & friends and realize just what a true gift each person is to me. I work hard not to take moments for granted, and to really savor them. Hence all the ridiculous picture taking.
• On that note, learning to take more pictures to savor the moments. And learning what that means for backing up my iPhoto, and not ever getting around to scrapbooking anymore since everything just sits on the computer. 
• Starting goals like having picture saving figured out by the time I hit 40.
• I love life more than ever, and am so thankful for every day, and every breath I get to take.
• I understand more about getting older and what little extra bursts of pain really do mean {Fibro aside...just realizing the getting older stuff and how it affects your body}. 
• I hate things I loved as a kid and I love things I hated as a kid.
• I realize just how insanely amazing my job is and my coworkers are.
• I've come to accept that my body is what it is, and even if I never lose as much weight as I want to, I've come to a place where I'm okay and like me for who I am. But I still want to press on and be who God wants me to be. I still hope to sort all of that out, and I'm thankful that God doesn't give up on me! 

30 something. It's not so bad.

For the first time in my life, I feel 100% truly content.

Fibromyalgia Update

I've had so many ups and downs lately, I'm not sure how to put it all into words. I know a lot of you read this for Fibro updates and information, and I'm just not sure what to say today. There's not much of a full-blown update to give. Nothing has really changed.

I don't want to complain. God has been good to me. But I also long to be real on this blog. So you know I struggle and do not have it all together. Far from it in fact. I want to honor God with what I say here, but days like today it's just hard.

So here's to being real....

Everything hurts. It always does.

I'm tired. I always am.

Today's worst has been the head tingling. So painful. So annoying.

The list could go on and on.

There are days when just living life is exhausting. Depressing. Baffling.

There are days when endless joy abounds and we can just take it all in stride.

This just isn't one of those days for me.

There are days we long to just hide in a hole, away from the world, away from life, and just wish our pain and fatigue away.

There are days when we wish we could still skip, and in our minds envision ourselves doing so because our hearts are there. We have energy that day. We are thankful. We know life is good and God is great.

I wish I could say I knew day in and day out what it was going to be like for me. This roller coaster of not knowing how I'm going to feel when I wake up, when I get to work, or when I go home is just too much.

Days like today I want to quit. Just hide out for the rest of my life.

But I know that's not really living. I know that's not what I'm called to do.

So I force myself out of bed. I force myself to pretend like everything is okay. I force myself to ignore the pain as much as possible. I force myself to work hard. Be a good friend. Love others.

And cry behind a closed door where no one can see how much I hurt and how much my heart is breaking.

Today's baffling experiences of Fibro/brain fog and lack of coordination nearly had me doubled over tonight in exasperation and frustration. A couple examples:

This morning I couldn't find the lid to my Coke bottle. I searched and searched.

Only to find it on the Coke bottle.

Tonight my used-to-be-always-steady, now-totally-unsteady-shaky hands managed to splash Manwich sauce all over the place as I was making dinner. And spilled all over my favorite towel passed down from my Grandma {deceased}. I don't even have the strength or energy to fully clean it up. And I don't care.

And this was after just having had a major cry over the stove as the ground beef was cooking, and a desperate plea for God to take the Fibro away and make it stop hurting so much. Make it stop being so frustrating. Crying out to Him that I just can't do this anymore.

To top it off, it's not been a good marriage night either.

I know I just need to get a grip. But right now, truth be told, I'm falling apart.

Just Being Real

It's been a hard week.

I can't keep doing this. I just can't.

I have nothing left in me.

I want to curl up and crawl into a hole.

I'm a roller coaster ride.

Every part of me hurts increasingly so.

I want to scream. I feel like I could just die.

It's just hard.

Really, really hard.

I know it'll be okay. God is good. I trust him.

It's just one of those weeks.

When God Gets Our Attention

I try not to make this a complaining, whiny blog about life with Fibro. 


I genuinely want to make this a place where I can be open, honest, and real with all of you. But I want to keep myself in check and not tend to lean toward complaining. I have so much to be grateful for and I don't want to take any of it for granted. I can see, I can hear, I can move, I can breathe.... I think there's a fine line between explaining my life, and complaining about it. 


I don't always know exactly where that line lies, but Wednesday I felt very, deeply convicted by the Holy Spirit after my post. I knew my heart wasn't in the right place when I posted that. 


And God got my attention fast. 


I had posted that last post over lunch. 


Our book typesetter has been out of the office for a week and a half for sinus surgery. I'm backing him up and have been typesetting a couple of our books this week {using Adobe InDesign to make corrections to books after the editors have marked them up and such... when that's all done then we send it off to the printer to make into the book}. I started working on a book right after lunch and as I was making corrections, I skimmed over some of the content. 


And suddenly got gripped. Hard. And sat there crying as the words on the screen started blurring together. It was simple, but exactly what I needed to here and when. Here's some of what I read:

When life seems unbearable we have two options. We can grumble and complain and sink into a pit of unbearable depression and discontentment; we can curse our circumstances and long for the day when we’ll finally be happy. Or we can run to the God whose power is made perfect in our weakness, the God who gives contentment in the midst of calamity. In the midst of trials we never expected, God wants to give us grace that we never expected. We simply need to ask. For example:

• Lord, I don't think I can endure this migraine another day. Please sustain me! Help me not to complain. Help me bless your name. Please give me relief.
• Father, if my son is disobedient one more time, I think I'm going to scream. I desperately need contentment. Help me be patient with him.
• Oh, God, we still can't conceive a child. My heart is breaking right now, but I know that you are full of compassion. Please help me to joyfully and contentedly submit to your good will.

My dad is a wonderful example of a man who has learned contentment. For many years my mom has battled a serious, at times debilitating, illness. There have been days when it was difficult for her to get out of bed or make dinner or clean the house. Initially these were tough days for my dad. He was tempted to complain when he had to wash dishes or do laundry. He didn’t want to make dinner after spending all day working. He just wanted to relax.

But I’ve witnessed a transformation in my dad. Instead of allowing his circumstances to rule his life, he ran to God for strength. He prayed that God would help him to be content with dishwashing and housecleaning and caring for my mom, even after an exhausting day of work. He prayed it again, and again, and again. God answered those prayers. Slowly but surely my dad learned to be content. He learned to find happiness in God right where God had him. My dad is my hero, and I want to be like him.

How do you respond when life goes from difficult to impossible? Do you wallow in discontentment and complaining, or do you run to God? Do you allow your circumstances to determine if you’ll be content, or do you go to the God who gives joy that transcends circumstances? Our God gives sufficient grace to weak, easily discontented people. Lean on this grace. Cling to this grace. When life seems unlivable, find shelter in this grace. Don’t try and wade through life on your own. It’s suicide. Run to the God who uplifts us in our weakness.

~ Taken from the upcoming The Greener Grass Conspiracy by Stephen Altrogge. Copyright (c) 2011. www.crossway.org

Stephen and his dad run a blog called The Blazing Center which always has really good posts. A recent post by his dad Mark really got my attention. Check it out here.

That's how God got my attention this week. Are you quiet in the midst of struggles, allowing him to speak to you? Or as one of my favorite quotes says:

"Make time for the quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud." 

One of Those Weeks

I'm just having one of those weeks. This post is going to be kind of hodge-podge....

Blogging & communication just isn't at the forefront of my mind. I apologize to those who are used to my daily posts like Meal Planning Mondays or Things I Like Tuesdays. Just not happening this week. And I'm sure you can understand.

I just don't feel right this week.

My Fibro is flaring. My fatigue is crushing. My dizziness is awful. My headaches are daily and intense. My sinuses/allergies are horrendous. {And I know I'm not alone; I've heard a lot of people lately talking about headaches and sinus problems who don't usually have them, and people getting sick who rarely get sick.... I really believe something is up with the air quality or weather patterns, but still, it's not fun! I truly haven't fully recovered from the bad cold I caught over a month ago. Ughh. Doctor's visit coming up!}

I feel like I've been run over by a freight train.

Ohhhhh how I long to be normal.

I'm struggling this week.


Would you pray for me? It'll be okay, I know I'm okay, God is my strength and shield.

This weekend we spent a ton of time cleaning, reorganizing things, dusting, vacuuming behind weird spots, moving around decorations since I was getting bored with the way some of it was, putting all the lovely family Christmas pictures we got up in frames and on the fridge, and getting all of our Christmas stuff put back away for the next year! It was tiring, but thankfully during most of it God gave me some supernatural energy to accomplish everything without feeling overly exhausted. I'm feeling it more yesterday & today than expected {I thought I was doing fine, listening to my body, resting when I needed to, but also getting very easily bored if I sat still too long! - but alas, my body has been a little mad at me yesterday & today *sigh*}. Oh well, I'm still very happy with the way the weekend went!

But now it's a strain to do anything, and yet also a joy to do everything that I can do. I'm fighting a roller coaster of emotions, exhaustion, and stress, but in a joyful kind of way. Sort of. I do have some deep, dark, rough moments too.

I know I have so many things to be thankful for, and I am, but I'm also struggling through some things. Our pastor brought a really powerful sermon this past weekend about being authentic, and I'm searching my soul a lot these days to see what in my life needs to change.

And a lot does. A lot.

I want to grow. I want to be sincere. I want to be genuine. I want to be authentic.

I want everything in my life to be evidence of Christ within me.

I have a long way to go.

Fibromyalgia & Skin Sensitivities... Also Known As Waxing

The day I got my hair cut & colored at my sister-in-law's {New Year's Eve Day}, I also had the brilliant idea to get a wax.

And oh, not just any wax. You ladies out there know the eyebrow wax well, and many know the upper lip wax too.

I did not do just those. Oh no, I was at my sister-in-laws and getting a great deal, so why stop there?! I had to also go for my chin/neck.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going. But first, a little background....

You see, I went off the birth control pill in August of 2009. Ever since then, I've noticed some changes. As I'm sure you can guess by now, one of them has been facial hair.

I don't even like it on guys, much less myself! Blech.

Oh man, it's soooo annoying. Don't leave me hanging here ladies, I know I'm not alone in this! The plucking, tweezing...oh good grief, the lengths we go to because we can't stand the way we look!

Suffice it to say, I believe I have learned my lesson. Or at least freaked out my body.

I can't even begin to describe the horrific pain I was in all of last week as I dredged through the repercussions. It was mind-numbingly frustrating and discouraging.

It's embarrassing and I looked like a total freak for a couple days.


Oh yes indeedy.

I should have known better.

For me, Fibromyalgia meant becoming freakishly skin sensitive. Getting acupuncture, I sometimes have a reaction and swell up. Getting facials, my face freaks out. My skin is very sensitive to the temperature swings of the Midwest. I always react a little bit to waxing but usually not too bad.

This time was brutal. I'm so glad I was at my sister-in-laws where she could easily talk me down from the quickly escalating anxiety caused by seeing my bright red, total-skin-irritation reaction. {And help me with face wash, lotion, foundation, and coverup as I was heading out to hang out with more family that night for New Year's. Oh yes, I'm brilliant!}

But then, oh the pain when I woke up the next day! Trying to sleep the first several nights was not possible. I just wanted to scratch my face off. I nearly did. It burned. It itched. I also broke out. A lot. I tried hard to hide behind extra makeup all week at work.

Boy oh boy was I glad when this weekend came and slowly it finally seemed to fade. 

You ever do one of those things you are just certain is a great idea, only to realize a little too late it could be the dumbest thing you ever did?!?!

Conceiving, Adoption, and Compassion

Since we are, as of yet, unable to have kids of our own {I've been off the pill since last August and we've officially been trying/not preventing throughout this year}, and since we aren't in agreement on adoption, we love kids in other ways that we can.

It's extremely tough this time of year--as I long to be a mom and have for several years now--to face the holidays without kids. Again. Year after year other families have their traditions, opening presents and looking at lights with their kids. Decorating the house and baking cookies with their kids. They laugh, play games, and look forward to years and years of great family Christmas traditions.

I often fear that we will never have kids. That we won't be able to conceive and that Tim won't want to adopt. There are days I fully trust God and truly get to a place where I'm okay with that. I know He's good and wants the best for us. But around Christmas, it's just really stinking hard.

So. very. very. hard.

Right now the ache suddenly seems unbearable. My heart hurts. The tears come fast and furious.

In the midst of all that....

I love being an aunt to my 2 biological nieces, and an aunt to my through-marriage 25 nieces and nephews. Have I mentioned my brother's wife is pregnant and their first boy is due the end of April?! Sooo exciting, yay!! {Although also hard because I wish I could be pregnant at the same time as her, and they know this is their last one.}

I love being an auntie to four unrelated children {Logan, Eve, Parker, and Charlie--the kids of my dear friends Tracie, Monica, and Sherah}. These kids and their parents are truly like extended family to me. And apparently they feel the same way about me, yay! {I always fear being annoying or in the way, but they keep inviting me back for some reason....} See Monica's recent post on this. Made my heart happy. :)

I love being able to be soooo ridiculously excited for a great friend who tried for so long to get pregnant and is officially in her 2nd trimester! I couldn't be happier for her and her husband. She's been married for 10 years, and it truly does make me feel hopeful whenever I think of her. God is using her to remind me of His faithfulness and goodness. I rejoice with her, cry with her, and am truly so happy that this finally came to be in her life.

One thing that stuck out to me from what she said was this, because it's something I've often struggled with throughout the past several years:

yes, i know i said i was at peace with

and accepting the whole idea

of never having children by this point.

and for the most part i was.

but that thursday night at counseling,

i told my mentor/friend how i was excited about

and looking forward to the next day... our anniversary.

she asked me something.

i can't remember exactly what.

but whatever it was, it prompted me

to open up about my true feelings about the day.

i was going to just share what we would be doing to celebrate,

and other surfacy, small talk kind of sentences.

but her question made me dig much deeper.

i said something to the effect of,

"i'm so happy we have made it this far.

but deep in my heart,

i am heart-broken that we have nothing to show for it."

and then i broke down weeping uncontrollably.

she just let me cry.

then very quietly,

she said back to me, "like what?"

somehow, i uttered back through my sobs,

"like... children."

she was again quiet... giving me space and time and room.

then she went on to explain how

i have so much to show for ten years...

how we have stayed together through a great deal.

through trials in faithfulness,

through infertility.

through financial struggles beyond what we ever imagined.

through job losses.

through illness and car accidents.

through mere time taking it's toll on a relationship.

through so very much.

and what we had to show for it was a deep love

we would never have known without those things.

she was absolutely right.

and my sobs turned to tears upon peace

and realization that ten years was

an AWESOME milestone for us.

I have to be honest, I sobbed and sobbed after reading that. Letting it sink in. Letting God minister to me in my hurt through her words which were like a healing salve being poured over a broken heart. It was really touching for me, and I appreciate her friendship so much!

Since we aren't adopting yet, we're helping others who are. Like our friends Don & Sara. Please read their blog at 7500 miles and pray for them through their process. They are so close to getting their little boy from Ethiopia, but I know it's got to be so hard to wait! Also my friend Amber at Striving for 31. They are in the process of adopting two children from Belize. I've also randomly seen several other blogs recently talking about adoption. So many people in the process need our prayers!

I showed you that video recently that really impacted me about adoption. Last night we watched Home for the Holidays on CBS that promotes adoption & foster care. We went to Wendy's recently and saw their stuff about the Dave Thomas Foundation for adoption. I'm currently reading Mary Beth Chapman's book called Choosing to See and learning more about their organization Show Hope which helps people adopt {they adopted 3 girls from China over the course of a few years, and in May 2008 they lost their 5 year old in a tragic car accident}. I'm thinking often about the ministry our church works with, Safe Families, to help children in need. I've heard radio interviews, seen TV shows referencing it, and heard in general conversation the word 'adoption' a lot lately.

I know God is putting it on my heart for a reason. But I'm not sure that reason since it's not on Tim's heart in the same way at all. I don't understand why we feel so differently about it, but I know God is good and faithful, and I just have to be patient. Which is a lot easier said than done. Right now, it's super hard. I don't get it. I'm just being honest. It's really confusing. I'm practically begging Him now to stop showing me this stuff because I can't handle it emotionally if we're going to be on two totally different pages about it. Please be praying for us in this regard.

The closest thing we have to a child of our own is our Compassion child who lives in Honduras. She's on my heart and mind a lot right now. I pray for her regularly and wish we could do even more than we can. I hope someday to meet her and try to help her understand how much we love her despite that she's so far away.

Well, there you go... the very honest, open post about where we stand on having kids. Comment away. I could use hearing from you.

Longing for Normal - Fibromyalgia Go Away

Most of the time now, I've gotten used to the Fibro. I'm thankful for it and learning from it. Hopefully I'm finding ways to give God the glory and allow it to mold my character.

Some days are harder than others. Today has been one of those. With every part of my being, I just really longed to be normal. To feel normal again. To not fight pain, fatigue, temperature sensitivities, and my host of other issues. Just once.

Today was really hard. I willed my Fibromyalgia to go away.

No luck.

*sigh*

I'm thankful I was able to spend some time with the Lord this morning before work. I skimmed through some Psalms I'd previously underlined and was really encouraged.

Psalm 42:11 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

Psalm 43:4 "Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God." {emphasis mine}

Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

Psalm 50:15 "and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."

Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."

Psalm 56:10-11 "In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

A recent post by some friends really encouraged me this morning. For them specifically it is in regards to their adoption process. But I think this also applies well to many facets of life--whether Fibro, children, relationships, etc. Whatever you're going through, may it be an encouragement to you too:

Don't be discouraged.... This is a good reminder to have our hope and delight in God, and not in having children. God is the fountain of living waters, and we need to learn to be satisfied in him, and all that he is. And we need to be satisfied in his Son. If we do this, rivers of living waters will flow out of us. This potential delay is a reminder not to put our hope for satisfaction in children. 

And God is in complete control. He will do what is good for us. If we have to wait a bit longer than expected, it is from God out of love, for our good. We can rest in him.... Don't be discouraged. We have no idea how long or short the wait will be, we just need to rest in God.

~From Don and Sara, reposted with permission, for more visit their adoption blog at 7500 miles

Days like this, I tend to play Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North over and over. Listen to it here {scroll down to their 1st album Over and Underneath, it's song #6, just hit the play button next to the song title}.

How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You?
How long till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

Lyrics from Tenth Avenue North.

Lord, please hold my heart. I'm really struggling today with having this illness you've allowed into my life. I think I know why. But it's hard. I want to honor you God, but right now I can literally barely stand without horrendous and dizzying pain. Whether you choose to deliver me from this here on earth or when I go to Heaven, I truly do wish to bring you more honor and glory. Today is just really hard. Please give me strength and supernatural energy to carry on. I need your grace and mercy anew this moment. In Jesus name, Amen.

Is It Okay...

...if I'm not the positive one today?

...if even though a lot of you come here because I'm so positive all the time, this time you see my very real, down-in-the-dumps side?

...if I feel torn to shreds and frustrated with my faith?

...if I just want to crawl into a hole and hide?

...if today I just sulk?

...if I have to completely refrain myself from going off on a venting rampage here on my blog because I know it wouldn't be appropriate but am desperately wanting to use this as an outlet to freak out about all this crap I'm dealing with........
{not even sure that sentence made sense but I don't care}

After all, I'm only human.

I know this too will pass, I'll get over it, and all that jazz... but in this moment, I just want to endlessly cry and wish my life were different.
{except that ironically, I can't even cry, I'm just so numb at this point}

It's too much.

I'm really overwhelmed.

I'm trying to stay focused.

I'm leaning a lot on these words of a Superchick song:

I know you wanna quit, don't think you can get through it;

You've come too far to walk away, it's not gonna be today; 

And no matter how you feel, it's what you do that matters; 

This is your moment to be strong... 

Today's your day, it's on! 

Today's the day, so come on bring it on!