In Loving Memory

My favorite Uncle Bill died yesterday morning after a long and nasty battle with cancer.

Just 2 years ago in April 2010 at my Grandpa's 90th birthday party {the Grandpa still living}, Uncle Bill was healthy and strong, playing football with some of the kids {pictured below is his youngest daughter's middle child and my oldest niece}.

He was a fabulous uncle, but watching him be a Grandpa to those 5 wonderful grandchildren of his most recently was quite a delight. He's amazing with them. Here's his youngest grandchild:

 

And all of his immediate family {except Mary's husband who had to work}, again in April 2010:

He had melanoma for a couple of years, then in the Fall or so it moved to his bones. They put him on a medicine that they thought would help and it seemed to be working for a little bit there. He looked frail and weak, but still pretty good at Christmas.

My favorite conversation with him ensued right as we were taking this picture. Precious, precious moments. The only picture I've ever taken with the two of them. {The major bummer is Tim was sick at my mom's this day and was unable to be there for this gathering. :( }

Just over a week ago, he was taken to the hospital as a result of unrelenting, extraordinary pain. And he never left the hospital again.

We are thankful he's no longer in so much pain or suffering, and is now in heaven with his Savior. But we already miss him dearly.

I'm really thankful I forced some family pictures together at Christmas, even though not everyone liked it or thought they should - we didn't want to make Uncle Bill uncomfortable, but they are now even more important and special memories that we will cherish for many, many years to come.

The hardest part is watching the 3 boys pictured with him below at Christmas. My cousin Mary's 3 sons were best buddies with him. They did so much together. He took them to school and back. They rode around on the tractors with him at the farm sometimes. Even just a few weeks ago when they were sick he could be seen walking up to their house with his cane, bringing them soup and other things they needed. He was so selfless, always thinking of others. 

Another of his best friends: my Grandpa. It's hard to believe Grandpa has outlived Uncle Bill, it's so sad. Bill & Grandpa farmed alongside each other for many, many years. Bill was Grandpa's power of attorney, ran the farm when Grandpa retired, etc. They lived less than 1 mile from each other for probably 25 years until Grandpa went to the nursing home last year. Mom told me on the phone today she's still trying to figure out how to tell Grandpa, he doesn't know yet. It's going to be heartbreaking. If he loses it at the family viewing before the public visitation on Tuesday, I have no doubt everyone else will too.

I lived within 2 miles of them for 18 years. Our bus stop was often at their house. They really helped out when we needed to be looked after while mom had to work.

Some of my favorite memories are from playing at their house or on the farm with my cousins. Uncle Bill was always there. For everyone. Constantly. Such an amazing man and a hard loss.

He was well loved, had a good life, great family, and will be dearly missed. He was 57.

"We live in a world of trials and tribulations. We were never promised an easy road. Even with things the way they are now, I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else. I've had a good life with a wonderful family. I am fully satisfied."

Bill Martin: May 30, 1954—Feb 11, 2012

Uncertainty

My brother got a kick out of teasing me in our younger years. He'd dare me to do things, convince me I'd be safe, and push me on out into something that never was as safe as he promised.

I'd sometimes do what he dared me to, venturing out into the unknown in part because I wanted to prove to him and his friends that I could. And in part because I wanted to see what the big fuss was all about.

One such adventure was sled-riding. Growing up out in the middle of the country meant there were hills for good sled-riding all over the place. In our younger years, our family owned the farm we lived on* so we'd join our cousins, and one of the places we'd go was the big hills on the other side of the pond levee.

*We grew up in a rented farmhouse that was on the deed to the farm, and a stone's throw away, but not quite the farm if you know what I mean. We didn't run it or anything, but when my uncle owned it up until I was in middle school, we certainly helped out a ton and it was pretty much like we lived there. 

And boy was it ever fun! My cousin Russ would help my brother Tim come up with some big jumps that they would then spend time getting their little sisters to go on. Russ's younger sister Olivia was just a couple years older than me, and just one year younger than Tim. So she didn't fall for it quite as often as I did.

I remember one such day when the four of us {and maybe others, I can't recall} were out there, I remember Tim & Russ building one of their big jumps, and somehow this time convincing me that it was totally safe. Everyone could do it, so I had to be able to as well.

Come on, give it a try, you won't fall! 

Not to be the wimp, I determined I would do it.

So I got on my little sled, face all determined that I would succeed. Them cheering me on and giggling a bit. Tim gave me a hard push.

Smooth sailing. Hit the jump and glided over it and up into the air.

Mid-air my sled decided it wanted to go a different direction.

Screams insued.

Laughter filled the air behind me.

THUNK.

Insert my face into the freezing cold snow below.

Tears from me. Tears from the group behind me from laughing so hard.

And you better believe I told on him when I got home!


God is never like that with us. He never dares us. He doesn't laugh at us when we get hurt. But he does encourage us to take steps and sometimes leaps of faith, trusting that he is in control, holding our hand, and catching us when we fall.

Right now as I'm really struggling and facing a lot of uncertainty, I'm resting in the promises of God. Knowing that he is there, guiding my ways, allowing my struggles to be my own, but also prepped & ready to catch me when I do get hurt and show me the safe passage home.

Without facing uncertainty in our lives, we'd never need to learn reliance on God. Without those leaps of faith, would we be where we are now? Without trusting God for those times of uncertainty, would we get to the places of big rewards and spiritual riches? Would we be who we are today without falling on our face multiple times and picking ourselves back up?

Despite all that we went through growing up... the teasing and dares ultimately taught me of my brother's love & care for me over the years. As we grew up, I knew first-hand that if anyone else made fun of me or put me at risk in any way, he was the first one to jump in and defend & protect me. If I was struggling with something or someone in my life, I could always go to him and trust that he would help me find a solution through direction, prayer, God's Word, and becoming who God has created me to be.

My brother is one of the people I trust the most in my life. I don't know where I'd be today without all my experiences with him.

Face-planting in the snow and all. 



Image: Michael Baughn, Flickr

5 Years Ago Today

5 years ago today was the first in a line of traumatic events that would forever alter my life in the Fall of 2005. 5 years ago today started the worst 6 months of my life.

We were in South Haven, Michigan, on a week-long family vacation.

5 years ago this morning we were walking along the river channel and then the pier that extended over Lake Michigan.

The lake waters were calm. No signs of a storm brewing. Excitement for mom, Tim, Tim, and I as we looked forward to a jet ski ride after lunch.

But a storm came.

The lake was really choppy by the time we got out there {20 min after riding the river channel to get there}. We had no idea it was going to be that bad, and there was no turning back at that point. 

The waves were maybe 3-5 feet high. I've never been a good swimmer {have to hold my nose} and I've never swam in waters this choppy before.

We had a blast for 20-30 minutes as we hit the waves. But then we tipped over.

And I learned very quickly just how bad of a swimmer I really am.

I panicked. Swallowed a lot of water.

Was sure this was it. I was going to drown. I remember looking up at the sky and begging God to save me. I didn't want to die. Not here. Not like this. I really thought this is it.

It was traumatic and awful. I can't even begin to describe it in full detail.

Let's just say, I learned a lot. I learned not to panic. I learned just how sacrificial my brother, mom, and husband are. I was reminded that my brother is one of the handiest guys I know to have around in a survivalist, emergency situation. I learned that strangers can still be really kind and lend a hand when you desperately need it. I learned that I will never ever view water the same way again. And as much fun as jet skis can be, I will never get on one again.

We were northeast of this pier:

This June we returned to South Haven on our anniversary trip. I wanted to go back, to reflect, to make peace with it all.

And I did. But it's still interesting to spend today thinking back on all that changed so dramatically in my life after this traumatic event. 

I even heard someone talking about all of the deaths they'd had in South Haven this year by people being dragged under by the current when they got too far out from the shore. We were nowhere near shore {but still within sight of it}. That really got me thinking about what could have happened, but what God prevented. He reached down and in His sovereignty, kept me here.

He's not finished with me yet!

Remembering 10 Years Ago & Lessons Learned

Given that our wedding was ten years ago on June 24th, you might be thinking this is another post dedicated to remember our wedding day.

But you'd be wrong.

This in fact is a post remembering the day one week after our wedding.

July 1, 2000.

We had been on our honeymoon in the Great Smoky Mountains in Pigeon Forge, TN. We had a wonderful honeymoon and couldn't have enjoyed it more. It's one of my favorite areas of the country, with lots of hiking, camping, rivers, and forests to be explored and enjoyed. And oh the views are just so breathtaking. It was a delight. Our cabin was in the midst of the mountainy forestland, so it was ridiculously peaceful and quiet. This was before Fibro days so I loved hiking and I didn't get overly hot overly easy. Tim also really enjoyed it!

That Friday, we drove back to my hometown and stayed back at the house I grew up in with my mom. The next morning, we drove Tim's Saturn station wagon thing {not quite a station wagon but it might as well have been} he'd bought just the summer before {Tim & I}, as well as my dad's Jeep {my dad}, and my Grandpa's truck {my mom} up to our apartment. I'd never even seen it and was totally in the dark. So after we finally arrived with our caravan, we started to unload. We had to go to the office to get the key and I got to see the apt! It was 756 square feet with 1 bedroom, but it was just perfect for our needs at the time. It was a block from the train station where I could walk to hop the Metra to take me to my downtown Chicago job. First job out of college, this country girl gets a city job. You can imagine my culture shock.

Anyway, we unloaded the stuff and then mom & I got to work unpacking the kitchen right away. Tim & dad went the 25 minutes to Tim's mom's house for his stuff. They were gone a long time.

I got nervous.

We didn't have a phone in the apartment and the car phone I had of my dad's, I'd left in Tim's car.

Over an hour and a half went by. Still no sign of them.

We were pretty much settled in the kitchen, and I was getting antsy. Something didn't feel right. I was pacing. I was peeking out our sliding glass door onto our balcony {on the third floor} time and time again. Mom was gently reminding me everything would be okay, maybe they got caught up in conversation.

Then I'll never forget the moment I saw them walking up to the entrance. Tim looked strange. Defeated kind of. Exhausted. I stepped out onto the balcony and heard Tim's mom holler up at me in a strange and shaky voice "Roe, can you come down here please?! Quickly?!"

I don't even remember if I said anything to my mom. I know she heard Doris. I bolted out the door and down the three flights as fast as my legs could carry me {which back then was relatively fast}. I have no idea where my dad was, I just remember the way Tim looked. It's indescribable. I could tell something had really happened.

And wait... where was his car?

I honestly don't remember what was said. I just remember the pale look on Tim's face, the scratches and bruises on his face and arms, and the horrific, faraway look in his eyes that told me our lives had just been radically shaken.

I hardly remember anything else, but what I know now is this. Tim was coming off the interstate on an exit ramp. Dad was two cars behind him. Dad could tell an accident had just happened in front of him but took him moments for him to realize Tim was hit, and then he proceeded to call 911 as he ran to my new husband's side.

A lady in a large Chevy Suburban had missed the turn onto the entrance ramp, jumped the little grassy median, hit the driver's side of Tim's car, flipped over, and burst into flames in the grass on the other side of Tim.

This is a time when you are thankful the driver wasn't wearing a seat belt. She was thrown from the vehicle, which in this rare case, actually probably saved her life.

Tim was barely scratched from the airbag. Otherwise, he was fine despite being so shaken. Three more feet to the right, and we're not sure he'd even be alive today.

Thank you God!!!! 

There was an investigation. 

She was drunk. At 4:00 in the afternoon.

Lovely.

Sometime that week Tim's mom took us to the place where our car was. We also saw the empty shell of what used to be the Suburban. I got some pictures of our car. Pardon the quality, they're scanned from a 12 x 12 scrapbook, so they are also in pieces.

A couple days after the accident, his mom drove us to the ER for Tim to get his arm checked out. He'd sprained his forearm and wore a sling for about a week. I was so thankful for Tim's parents living fairly close, letting us borrow their car until we found our own, and taking us places as needed. I had no clue about the area, where to go, what to do, how to get anywhere, and knew no one except Tim and some of his family.

Looking back on the day, I still get a little sick to my stomach.

And I thank God for my husband, that this wasn't worse, and that the other lady--despite that she was in the wrong and shouldn't have been drinking & driving--was still alive.

I'm thankful my dad was nearby and able to be with Tim when it happened. I'm thankful it was close to his parents house so his mom & dad were able to get there quickly. I'm thankful my husband is still alive and with me today. I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy, and for all that he taught us as newlyweds after such a traumatic event. I'm thankful that in His sovereignty, we were protected financially, able to get to the court case, and provided for with a new vehicle relatively quickly. Despite that everything didn't turn out all grand afterward, we learned a lot, grew stronger, and became even more outspoken about drinking & driving.

We can look back now and are truly grateful for what we learned from the experience.

To God be the glory.

Another Man in My Life - Part 1 of our 10 Yr Anniv Series

Today we're going to begin a new series... it is the official one month countdown now until the day we've been married for TEN YEARS!!!!! {Can I get a wahwah?!?!}

~~~~~~

When we were courting {we didn't really date}, I made it clear to Tim that Jesus was my first love and that he would have to come after him. Tim totally got that and it wasn't an issue, and it was also true of him. But I knew it needed to be clear from moment one, that no guy was going to knock me off my path of being close to the Lord.

I think all of us Christians can attest to the fact that we struggle, and we don't always in every moment keep Jesus first in our lives even though we know we should. So while my goal is to always keep Jesus first, I don't always succeed at it. Nonetheless, it is what I strive for.

When we got married, I was in a stage where I loved sign language. I'd used it a little bit, just by teaching myself and learning from friends. A good childhood friend of mine knew sign language pretty well. I thought it would be beautiful to have her sign to this song on stage as part of our prelude during our wedding ceremony. And it was really beautiful. I'm so glad I had her do it and I wish I could share the video with you!

I couldn't find the lyrics online anywhere so I typed them myself. I apologize for any mistakes and for the one spot where I couldn't catch the words.

Another Man by Wes King
Album: Sticks and Stones
(c) 1993, Reunion Records

God I love her
Don’t need no lightning,
no thunder
Just always knew you’d let me
know when it was right

I know she cares for me
I’d have to be blind not to see
The love that strikes me blind
Is love that gives me sight

There’s another man in her life
Another’s love stronger than mine
There’s another love in her life
So complete, so benign
There’s another man in her life

He’s all she talks about
Her love for him is so devout
And when she hears his name
Her eyes reflect his light

There’s another man in her life
Another’s love stronger than mine
There’s another love in her life
So complete, so benign
There’s another man in her life

This love, this other man
He holds [something I couldn’t catch]
His care makes ours make sense
Cuz it’s Jesus, He’s the other man

Now there’s another love in our lives
So complete, so divine 
There’s another love in our lives
Stronger than hers, stronger than mine
There’s another man in our lives
So complete, so divine 
There’s another man in our lives

God I love her
Don’t need no lightning, no thunder


You can listen to it on Rhapsody. It's song #10 Another Man.
Or buy it on Amazon.

Broken

I am feeling a deep heartbreak today.

An awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I want to complain. To vent. To freak out.

I want to cry. Kick. Scream.

This is not what I imagined for my life.

And then I read this.

And I listen to the awe-inspiring lyrics of Meredith Andrews's new album.

And I cry, but with different tears. And I long for more of Jesus.

And I long to let God be God, and me not. To allow him to break me as he needs me to be.

I sit in silence. Waiting. Listening.

Broken.

Hoping.

Fabulous Friday

I'm still reeling from a very intense, excruciating workout Wednesday night...really difficult and painful, but really good. I was on my feet much of last night as well cooking and baking for various reasons, so I'm in a lot of pain today. But it's all good. I'm thankful for the energy I get as a result of the exercise, or I would not be functioning at all!

Anyway, here is a lovely picture to leave you with. This is my dear friend Monica's baby Parker. Isn't he absolutely precious?!?! He's 7 weeks old and almost fits in this 9 month onesie I bought him for Halloween. :) I love it! He's such a wonderful little chunker with the cutest thighs ever. He wears cloth diapers, so obviously the bulk of those adds to being in bigger clothes, as well as the fact that he's so tall, like his mama and daddy. I so love this kid and his parents!

Happy Fabulous Friday!!!

S'mores, Friends, and What Fibro Feels Like Today

I had so much fun last night after dinner making s'mores with hubster! It was such fun to have an excuse to eat s'mores and be silly.
__________

I got a card recently from my bestest friend (remember this post?), and it was such a sweet, cheerer-upper kind of card. You know, regular mail. Remember what that is? ;)

So I just had to share it with you...

You know how there are some friends
who can come over
when your hair is dirty
and your dishes are piling,
and they still love you...

And there are some friends
who start nodding
when you're three words
into your sentence,
because they know what
you're going to say,
and already agree...

And there are some friends
you can tell
"That really hurt my feelings,"
even though it's scary
but you care about them
so much it's worth resolving...

And there are some friends
who you can giggle with
about anything,
because you happen
to have the same
sense of humor.

You and I
are ALL those friends
and more!

(c) American Greetings

I love it! It made my day, brought a smile to my face, and a tear to my eye. It's so special to have a friend like that, who knows when you need to hear stuff like that. And I'm so thankful to have such an array of close friends who lift me up when I need it, encourage me when I need it, and tell it to me like it is when I need it! :) I'm so blessed and so thankful. And I'm thankful for all of you blogging friends and the way you've touched my heart and life too! So thanks!!!
________

Today I had to get a 32 oz. Pepsi to help me stay awake. Today I feel like someone jumped on my back. Today I feel like someone stuffed my nose full of kleenex and I can't breathe. Today I feel like my neck is on backwards. Today I feel drowsy, fatigued, exhausted, perplexed, but not despaired. I know God is in control. I have to stay positive so I don't feel worse. I want to remain positive and not let Satan get the best of me. So...

Today is another great day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it [even though I feel like crap]!!

:)

Tribute to My Beloved

I didn't know you 32 years ago when you were born

at 12:13 am on April 7th, 1977,

I didn't know that you were meant for me

I wasn't even born yet

I didn't know what God had planned for us

until you were 23 years old

when we married and it was set in stone

you were meant for me

and I was meant for you

You are my beloved

I cannot imagine my life without you

You have sacrificed so much for me

as we walk this Fibro journey together

You've fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself

and you've carried me when I could not carry myself

You've lead me in God's ways

walked with me through the happy times

and cried with me in the bad times

You've been with me in the highest of highs

and the lowest of lows

You are the best friend I've ever had

You make me laugh

You make me groan

You put up with and help with my family very graciously

You adore my bestest (girl) friend and her family

and have welcomed her like the sister I know her as

You drive me through a lot of storms and help guide me during the scary times, and you help remind me that God is always with us and there's no reason to be scared... even in white-out storm conditions that totally freak me out...

You quite simply make the world a better place
with your smile, laugh, sense of humor,
sweetness, godliness, and love.

Thanks for being you!

HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY
TO MY BELOVED
TIM

p.s. all pics are from this past weekend... I was too tired to hunt old pics down...

Fabulous Friday

I can almost feel Spring.
I think I can taste it.
It's getting ever closer.
I can hardly wait.
It'll be here before we know it.
So although I don't want to think about the impending snow,
I'll be glad for it.
For at least one more time to consider frolicking in it...
one more time to make snow angels...
one more time to enjoy the bright white...
one more time to despise my commute with a passion...
one more time to cuddle by the fire on a snowy, cold day...
and one more time to remember my youth
and all those forts we used to make
all the snowballs used to whack each other in the face.

On this Fabulous Friday,
I choose to enjoy those final days of winter
before it quickly fades into the night.
And we wake up in 60 degrees and bright sunny skies.
Ohhhh I can't wait.
But I will live in this moment
and enjoy it while it lasts.

Photo credit: Me. This is the tree in front of our house. I hear it's a blooming pear tree or something like that.

Encouraging Song

You're My Little Girl

The ones you love they let you down

And I want you to know that I'm sorry

The choices that they made were wrong

You were caught in the middle and I'm sorry

So when the anger and the pain

Get the best of you

I know it seems like you're all alone

But I am feeling it too

'Cuz you're my little girl

You're the one that I created

No one in this world could ever be like you

When you're cryin' in the night

All you need to do is call me

I'll be there for you

'Cuz you're my little girl

When you're lookin in the mirror

I hope you're likin' what you see

Because no matter what you're feelin'

You're perfect to me

Because I see you as a child

Blameless in my sight

Just spend some time with me

And I'll make everything alright

'Cuz you're my little girl
You're the one that I created
No one in this world could ever be like you
When you're cryin' in the night
All you need to do is call me
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're my little girl

I know you don't deserve what you've been through

I know it doesn't seem fair

I know that there are times you think you're alone

But you've got to know that I will be there, be there

'Cuz you're my little girl
You're the one that I created
No one in this world could ever be like you
When you're cryin' in the night
All you need to do is call me
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're my little girl


Lyrics taken from here
Written and performed by these guys
Picture taken by my mom... yes, that's me in like the 1st or 2nd grade

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, I was making an afternoon trip to my first ever rheumatologist appointment, 30 minutes down the road...

...where I received the official diagnosis that what I'd been fighting for 17 months was indeed Fibromyaliga.

Read more about my diagnosis day here.

Here are other past posts that might interest you:

Follow-Up Rheumatologist Appointment
Trying Not to Despair
Waiting on God
The Frustration of Fibromyalgia
Lyrica Adventure, I'm Done

It's interesting to look back and read those posts.

I'm going to be fairly quiet today... solemn, reflective, and prayerful.

Friends and Their New Little Ones

A couple of my dear friends had babies recently. Don't ya just love babies?! :) I wanted to share in the joy and celebration with them by spreading the word and sharing pictures with you.

Here are a couple of pictures of my friend Kimmi's new baby girl, born this past Monday (they also have a son a few years old).

Here are pictures of my friend Robyn's baby (with his slightly older brother), born two days after Christmas.

Aren't they all just soooo cute?!?!?!

Image credits: Will & Kim M; Stu & Robyn H

New Year's

It is really hard for me to comprehend that 2008 is already just hours away from being over.

Not only am I in a bit of denial, but I’m also out of it from being so sick. So earlier this afternoon when Tim was working on a project to transfer our 2008 pictures off the laptop and onto DVD-R’s, I indicated that I was frustrated not to be able to access the pictures faster and that I wanted him to wait at least until 2008 was over. Just as it came out of my mouth I realized that’s today!! Derf. After that we also had this conversation as we returned from the grocery store:

Tim: "Oh sounds like the recycling is being picked up."

Me: "Yep, oh I bet the mail has come too."

Tim: "Yeahhhh..." as we both notice the mail in my hands as I say that.

Double derf. I think you know you're sick when you have this much of a non-functioning brain! ;)

As I sit here reflecting on 2008, I have to admit it’s a bit of a blur. I still don’t even feel like it should be over. It was a whirlwind of mourning deaths; celebrating newborn life, marriages, and special anniversaries; fears over some sad diagnoses; spending lots of time with family; concerns over the slumping economy; and growing new & deeper friendships.

As I’ve been reflecting on the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking of some things that have special meaning to me . . . .

I love New Year's. Growing up we had a tradition of going over to my aunt's house (just a few minutes away down the same country road I grew up on), eating, laughing, and playing Charades. It was a tradition and it was so much fun! No one was ever too busy for it... we always gathered that night at my aunt's, no matter what (and that’s back when most of us lived within just miles of each other). Now everyone is too busy, too far away, or I manage to get sick at this time and can't have anyone over or go anywhere else. It makes me sad. I love New Year's and all the glee, celebration (the non-drinking kind), and joy that comes with it. I love counting down to midnight and then kissing my husband! :) I remember the first New Year's when we were together and going to be able to kiss each other at midnight... he was so excited. Now he forgets and I have to make him remember. Ha ha! ;) So tonight we are having a slow and quiet evening at home, watching movies, reflecting on the year, and me trying not to cough up my lungs. Goodness… I hope I get better soon. I’ve tried a bunch of OTC meds, so far the best seems to be Mucinex. It’s a 12 hour pill so I love that I’m not popping pills all day or drinking yucky cough syrup. The bummer is that it seems to only work for about 8-9 hours because the past few hours it’s been steadily worsening. But in 4 minutes I get to take my next dose – yeah!

I like spending time on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day filling in my new calendar for the next year. I spend time reflecting on the past year as I go, and writing in dates I'd like to remember happened the year before in the new calendar. I love writing special things in my calendar as they year goes along so I can “celebrate” all of life’s little things that happen that we’d otherwise forget.

I love the excitement and anticipation that comes with new jobs. My brother just accepted a senior pastor position in the town we grew up in. I'm so excited for them, it's almost as if I'm experiencing it myself! I just cannot help but be filled with glee. Of course, it means getting to see my wonderful nieces more often with the convenience of them living in a town that has Amtrak!! (So that when hubster doesn't feel like traveling, I can get down there myself since I don't drive long distances by myself.) Yeehaw! I am very much looking forward to more train travel in 2009.

I love my coworkers. We have our ups and downs, but generally speaking I just love the people I work with. And I dearly miss some that I have lost and have moved on (happy for them, sad for myself...). I treasure those who have kept in touch and deeply appreciate our continued friendships. I write this on the last day we lost a deeply treasured friend, Michele. We have so much in common and are yet quite different. I've really enjoyed our times together, getting to know you better, and learning from your strong faith and wisdom. You are a treasure, Michele. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You will be deeply missed at work, but we are happy for you and this next step in your life... wherever you may go we know you will keep trusting the Lord for your needs and he will provide. I will always cherish our times together and our good conversations. Then of course there’s Bob, Stephen, Jon, Debby, and I’m sure there’s been some more. I will miss everyone we lost this year, but I also am happy for them and the next steps in their lives. God bless you one and all!

Michele & I in 2007 when one of our other beloved coworkers, Georgia, departed.

I appreciate the team of doctors, chiropractors, nurses, and my rheumatologist who have at least attempted to help me throughout this year on my quest to learn more about Fibromyalgia and get an official diagnosis. Despite my initial fear, I’m very thankful to have this diagnosis and am trying to learn what that means for me each new day.

You know, I started this blog as a way to get the word out about Fibro. I’m not entirely sure that I’ve done that all too well. Along the way I’ve read more blogs, tried new things, shared more of my life with you, and tried to figure out exactly what to make my blog. I know it’s become quite a mix of things, but I’ve decided I need it to be that way. If all I did was concentrate on sharing my Fibro struggles, this blog would just become a way to complain and vent about my life while I strive to also find the positives in it. I don’t want to be such a horrible downer. So, I hope you don’t mind that instead this has become simply an outlet for me to share my entire life… fibro, ups and downs of general life, quirky things about me, Things I Like Tuesdays, personal pictures, etc etc. It’s been great for me to be able to use this for more than just talking about Fibro, which can get depressing. I’ve considered separating this into various blogs instead of just the one, but quite frankly that just takes too much work for me. ;)

So in 2009 the only additional blog that I anticipate at this point, is my new weight loss blog. Click here to see it now. I hope to do more with it soon (like add an RSS feed, etc), but for now it’s just to share my story about weight loss in 2009 and hopefully give me some needed accountability.

Thank you so much to all of you who read my blog, follow it, comment on it, and just peak in once in a while. I appreciate you all so much. I’ve learned a lot from you, and I hope you have from me as well.

I’m not big on New Year’s Resolutions, but I do think it’s fun to keep in mind the things that I would like to make better in the next year. It helps give us some things to think about and work on. So in that regard, for 2009 I hope:

- to read through the Old Testament in a year (because it’s the Study Bible and I want to take time to read the introductions and other information in there) and to be in a Bible study to strengthen my walk with Christ

- to lose 100 pounds and to get myself healthier so that we can start trying to have a baby in 2010 (our 10 yr anniversary in June)

- to work hard with my chiropractor to try to better my fibro so that the end of 2009 looks much brighter than ending 2008 feels

- to stop eating out so much and save more money

- to better myself as a wife and helpmate to my amazing husband

- to stop hair-pulling so that my eyelashes have a chance to grow back in full (something I have not yet talked about on here is my hair-pulling disorder, Trichotillomania, which is a problem I’ve had since about 4th grade, but we’ll talk about that more later... it's very embarrassing...)

That’s a lot of stuff, but I’m determined to do them this year, to the best of my ability! I’m tired of year after year not making the changes I want to make at all, and I know the only one who can change it is ME. And it’s time for a change.

I hope you’re able to take some time out tonight to reflect on 2008 for you and yours, and consider some things you want to change in 2009. Tim & I wish you and yours a very Happy New Year!!

Christmas busyness

Tonight on the longggg commute home through the ice and snow (double the commute to about an hour and a half), I was mulling over all of the Christmas busyness I've been feeling. I had a busy, but good weekend, and this coming weekend looks to include lots of shopping and errand-running. But I don't want to be so distracted or crazed that I just sort of breeze past the real meaning of the season... Jesus Christ's birth.

Luke 2:1-7 says, "In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration when Quirinius was governor of Syria. And all went to be registered, each to his own town. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn."

As we reflect on this season of Advent and the birth of Christ, let's remember the baby in a manager... and that all our crazy stuff isn't really a big deal.

On that topic... I decided this year to purchase Christmas cards that reflected this season of celebrating Christ. But I wish I'd gotten one with an even more direct message of the gospel. I just really liked the look of this one and the meaning behind the words and the hands reaching down.

Here's a picture of the cover:

I know someone who also handmade her cards this year, which I simply love! I wish I had the time and motivation to do that! I know I have the talent to do it, I just don't make the time for crafty things usually anymore. I haven't even been scrapbooking wholeheartedly for well over a year. My time and energy is just not what it used to be. It saddens me to say that given that I'm only 30, not 60 or 70 where it'd make sense to say I'm always tired! I know the fibro prohibits me from certain things, but still at this age I feel I SHOULD be able to do the things I want to! It's just so frustrating and discouraging sometimes.

I hope to post pictures and details soon of this past weekend, but alas it is time for me to go yet again. I'm just too tired to keep typing.

Veteran's Day

Today we honor the brave men and women who have fought for our freedoms throughout the years. A heartfelt thank you and a deep admiration for all that you've done and sacrificed for people you don't even know to protect this great country. God bless the USA!

Christian artist Steven Curtis Chapman penned a special song in honor of one of these brave men whom Steven had the privilege to meet. See the full story here.

Remembering Rich

It was 11 years ago today when my favorite Christian singer and songwriter, Rich Mullins, was killed in a tragic car accident. He felt like a close, personal friend almost, and it was devastating to hear the news. Eleven years later, he's still greatly remembered and recognized as one of the greatest songwriters of all time. To Rich though, he was just an average person following God's lead and seeking after his final home in heaven.

This morning on my way to work the people on the radio (John & Sherry Rivers on K-Love) were talking about him, remembering him as a friend of theirs, and playing a lot of his songs. That was a great way to come to work and to start my day... listening to Rich Mullins songs never really gets old to me. I may forget sometimes and may put his CDs on the shelf for a while, but whenever I bring them back out they're as wonderful as always. I'm so thankful John & Sherry mentioned him and remembered him this morning. I think it's good to remember people like him. He had an impact on so many lives, and he definitely touched my brother, my mom, and me.

I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news. A bunch of friends and I had just come back from our college president's house for an ice cream social. My roommate and I walked back into our dorm room and saw the message light blinking on our answering machine. Then I heard my mom giving me the sad news that Rich had died. It was hard to hear it that way, but also such a shock that I fell to the floor sobbing. I couldn't believe it. I went into the hallway and told some of our floormates.

I remember the first time I saw Rich in concert and how surprised I was that he came out on the stage in jeans and with no shoes on. I thought that was pretty great that he felt comfortable enough with himself to do that.

I remember how amazed I was the first time I saw him playing his hammer dulcimer. What an amazing instrument. And oh man, could he ever play it!

I remember the first time I read the story of his life and how simple of a life it was. He truly was a remarkable man... a sinner after God's own heart, saved only by grace.

I remember hearing him make fun of his singing and his voice. I loved it. I think he was so talented and gifted, and I'm glad he started singing (at first he just started writing, like when Amy Grant first sang his song "Sing Your Praise to the Lord"). He really ministered to a lot of people through writing, speaking, and singing. He was very down-to-earth, real, and heavenly all at the same time.

I remember his interesting music videos, how unique they were because he was so unique:

Hold Me Jesus

The Color Green

Here in America

I remember some of his live performances, now remembered with some live video captured and shown on YouTube (of course :)):

Screen Door [one of my favorite things EVER!]

Concert Part 1

Concert Part 2 [playing the lap dulcimer about halfway through]

Concert Part 3

Concert Part 4

Concert Part 5 [this is the best one for listening to him talk for a while]

Concert Part 6

Concert Part 7

Concert Part 8

Concert Part 9 [this one seems to be missing :( ]

Concert Part 10 [good message about salvation!]

Concert Part 11

Concert Part 12

Concert Part 13 [repeats a little of the end of part 12]

I remember his contagious laugh. I remember the interviews that I saw or heard and he sounded so simple, yet so in love with Jesus.

Rich on Love

Be Assertive

Driving without Headlights

Sensationalism

Sex and Self Confidence

I remember visiting his gravesite on a vacation with mom & Tim (brother), many years ago now, as we went through Indiana. I remember how sad that was for me.

I remember his face. I remember his writing. I remember his songs. I remember his legacy.

I remember him not as being this fantastic person that flaunted what he had (didn't have), but instead this amazing guide and resource to point us to the God he believed in. I'm sure Rich wouldn't want to be remembered. I want to help use this as a time to remember Rich not because of Rich, but because of who he was in God and how much he did for God.

Today, Rich, we remember you. We remember the legacy you left us of seeking after God and yearning for heaven. And we are reminded that all our lives are a little less "Rich" without you. We look forward to the day we again see you in heaven. Remembering always that Our God is an AWESOME GOD!

A final word from Rich's close friend, Mitch McVicker.

For more information, visit the memorial website set up for Rich.

Picture taken from his memorial website, not sure who the photo originally belongs to.

Steven Curtis Chapman's Family Tragedy, in People Magazine

I wouldn't normally advocate purchasing People magazine (due to its Hollywood gossip and often raunchy pictures), but this week I think it just might be a must! I admit I purchased it but am glad that I did!

Beginning on page 64, you will find full page spreads honoring the memory of Maria Sue Chapman. Steven Curtis, his wife Mary Beth, other children, and Will Franklin (the sibling who accidentally struck her with the SUV in their driveway) are all interviewed in this week's People. It is a touching, endearing, tear-jerking interview but also a very honest and real one. I feel like I've come to know them better in these months since Maria's death, and I feel their pain so deeply even though I never knew Maria personally.

I greatly respect the Chapman family, and even more so now. I highly recommend you read this. It is also available on People's website but only a portion of it and without the wonderful family photos. I don't want to include the link here because there are even more raunchy photos on the website that I do not want to link to my blog. If you purchase the magazine, you can just turn straight to page 64 without even looking at the rest of it (although I admit there's also a touching tribute to Bernie Mac somewhere in the middle).

Just thought you may want to know! But you need to pick it up today because next week, they'll probably all be gone.

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse -- One Year Anniversary

Today it's been one year since the tragic Minneapolis bridge collapse. Please continue to pray for all the people affected, and that our bridges throughout the nation will be made stronger as a result.

Here are a few articles about this:

http://www.channel3000.com/news/17057592/detail.html

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-bridge-safetyaug01,0,4355344.story

http://q13.trb.com/news/kcpq-073108-bridgecollapse,0,4451858.story

http://q13.trb.com/news/kcpq-073108-bridgecollapse,0,4451858.story

Photo from http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/6928189.stm, taken by William Oosterman.

My aunt's dog

My Aunt Robin's dog died last night. She was a beloved part of the family for many years. It made me gasp to hear about it and it brought tears to my eyes. Lexi was a sweet, gentle dog - a bit hyper when she was young and many of us didn't like her (I remember running into their house sometimes just to try to avoid her), but after she grew up she became a loveable and fun dog. She took many walks with her owners, and played with my mom's dog for years (they were neighbors). I remember feeling sorry for her these past few years as she has grown older and has had a harder time getting around. In some ways, it's a relief to my aunt & uncle not to have to worry about putting her to sleep... but in other ways it came as quite a surprise.

It is very sad to see the end of that era. It is easy to wish they could stay with us forever. It makes me think about my mom's beloved dog Bear who is very much a part of our family too, and it makes me sad to think about when she will pass away (Lexi & Bear grew up together and were fairly close in age). It also just reminds me of how precious each day is... whether it's spent with our family, friends, or pets, we need to savor each moment and every memory.

Here are some pictures of Lexi that I was able to dig up:

Chasing rocks in the creek... a favorite activity

Chasing sticks, along w/ mom's dog Bear, thrown by Tim... Taking a walk behind mom & Jerry...