Between my pastor's sermon on Sunday and the teaching I heard over my lunch hour today from him on his radio ministry (Walk in the Word), I've been learning more about not doubting, dispairing, or fearing but instead holding fast to God's sovereignty, faithfulness, and grace.
When I need God the most, he is there, even though I often feel so far away. God has sovereignly ordained this trial for me - to help me grow in intimacy with him, to make me humble, to bring glory to his name, to remind me that when I am weak he is strong, to show others what God can do, and so many other things. I want to have that strong faith and not doubt. I don't understand what is happening to my body nor do I understand what God is doing, but I know God wants it for me and I need to rest in that. I want to wait on God. I want to see the miracle he works through this - whether in my body, my spirit, and/or in someone else witnessing God's handiwork in me. I want to want all of this more and more with each new day. I want more of him and less of me.
Oh God, forgive me of my doubts. Give me the faith of a mustard seed. Jesus, wash me clean. Do what you will through me and in me. I'm waiting and trusting... and believing you'll work a miracle in or through me.