Every time I mentally check out from dealing head-on with my Fibromyalgia, it seems to hit me with blunt force and surprise me back to the cold, hard reality that is life with chronic illness.
I sometimes like to go about my life as if everything is fine. I enjoy my life and soak up every ounce of it I possibly can.
I pretend as if I really am normal. As if I don't deal with a host of pain, fatigue, and other symptoms.
Then... this week happened.
The fatigue was awful at times, crushing at others. Hitting me out of nowhere, making me feel like I was going to fall over. The past few days, I've fought to struggle past falling asleep at every turn. Any time I've been sitting down, my body has tried to just doze off.
The pain was radiating and difficult to manage, but I did okay.
Until yesterday morning.
I woke up to the kind of shocking, horrific, disabling pain that would knock most people off their feet. But I've had Fibro for 5 years and have figured out, for the most part, how to usually still go about life as usual if it's not too bad. So I got up and tried to do a couple of things, while very quickly learning it was not to be. I could not even pretend to push myself this time.
I ended up spending my day going between recliner, couch, and bed, trying various angles and positions, only to find more pain & agony. The only position I could tolerate was sitting at a slight angle on the recliner in our living room.
It was a whole other level of pain that I haven't faced in a long time. Every move, every breath, everything comes at a price. With the desire to scream.
And sometimes, scream I did!
Laying down is horrendous. Ibuprofen didn't make a dent, neither did the Therma-care heat wrap. The heating pad helped some but not much.
When you're in this much pain, it can be easy to be tense, straining to move, agitated, frustrated, crying, and a bit of a mess. Which can often just make it worse.
Any plans I had this weekend went out the window as every move I make is excruciating. Just walking the few steps from the recliner to the bathroom or kitchen is about all I can take.
I don't know what triggered it for sure, but every morning I've been waking up in worse pain and it's just escalated as the week has progressed. I don't know for sure that it's our bed, but something about either the way I sleep or our bed isn't helping.
I'm trying hard not to be too overwhelmed by life today, as I try to recover and still fight the awful pain. It was a difficult night as I tossed and turned, challenged to find any comfortable position. But thankfully, the heating pad and rest today have been helping at least a little bit. I was able to muster up just enough energy for a shower, but that took everything out of me and I've barely moved since!
I'm so thankful for Tim and his stepping up to make meals, do laundry and dishes, and staying with me to take care of me, even though that meant he'd miss church this morning too. Love that man like crazy!!!
In the midst of this, God is quietly speaking reminders into me and I am thankful for his nearness. For his presence in my suffering. For my ability to be still and quiet for a couple of days as he uses this to break me, and someday pick me back up and put me back to full health.
I stop and give him praise, for if I'm not broken, I miss the opportunity for him to heal me or to use a miracle in my life to bring others to him.
For all that and more, I am incredibly grateful. And honored to serve him through my Fibromyalgia. To God be the glory!
