Monday, May 3, 2010

Longing for Motherhood

Oh how I long to be in the land of motherhood.

As many of you know, in the interim I am obsessed with babies. Specifically the close family/friends ones, but generally speaking you can hand me just about any baby and I will be overjoyed. Such as this one who is the granddaughter {1 of 25} of the President of the company I work for. I don't know the mom very well, but she let me hang out with her baby while she did some acting on our video shoot week before last. I was delighted. :)

{sorry it's blurry: taken by me with one arm with my cell phone}

I often share oodles of pictures/stories of one of my best friend's baby Parker because he literally is the closest to having a child of my own. And you all tolerate it so nicely. :) {see the latest of him here}

Here are some random pics of me with babies because I just have to :)

For about 4-5 years now, I've longed with my whole heart to be a mommy. To be pregnant. To have a child of our own. But it's complicated. And we're not there yet. And don't ask.

I just feel like maybe we'll never quite get around to it. Like maybe we should start saving up for adoption. Like maybe I really need hubby to come around on the idea of adopting first. {He's all for adopting, but prefers to wait until after having our own kids if possible.}

I can hardly stand the thought of entering into another Mother's Day church service while all those other mothers stand and get clapped for. While I appreciate other mothers and all that they do, I don't think I can sit there another year in my chair while women all around me stand up, and I try to force back the tears that are threatening to flow. Or blinking hard and grabbing Kleenexes during the prayer time over the mothers. Or trying not to lose it when they pray for "those women who long to be mothers but aren't yet for whatever know their heart God...." I appreciate all that stuff. But I'm not sure I can do it again. It's heart-wrenching. I told Tim this year I'm just not going to church on Mother's Day. I'll watch the video of the sermon later. I'll worship God on my own time. But I can't do it. I just can't.

How selfish and prideful is that? 

A friend of a friend had a great post the other day about being in the in-between. I just love her point of view on this. She had some really good insights and thoughts on this topic. Please check it out here. I so totally feel stuck, like she feels, in that awkward stage of being a wife without being a mother. I don't have kids. I've been a wife for nearly 10 years. What does that make me? A nearly lone wolf. There aren't very many others around me who've been married this long without babies.

Don't get me wrong, I am in nooo way trying to make anyone feel badly for having babies of their own, or for being married a short amount of time, or whatever. I'm just telling my story and my own selfishness. This is not meant for any pity or sob session. I just want to be real here. And I feel like you need to know where my heart is at.

This is where my heart is at. I desperately long to be a mother. But it doesn't look like I will be one anytime soon. And somedays I'm really okay with that. Others, not so much. I am thankful for what I do have, trying not to let it get to me, and placing myself at the foot of the Cross every day.

But at the end of every day, my heart belongs to that unborn child I have yet to meet. When I lay my head down on my pillow every night, my heart is not right with God, because I long for a baby more than I long to know Jesus Christ more.

And that's not a good place to be at.

Oh God, please forgive my sinful, selfish, prideful heart. Help me to seek more after You, and less after the stuff of the world. Any child you may give us in the future belongs to You anyway, I don't want to long for them so badly that later I hate the very thing I longed for because it wasn't YOU! Create in me a clean heart Oh God. May I live to glorify You and seek after You and You alone. 


Monica Gee said...

Oh my sweet friend. I love you so much! I love how honest you are about your own struggles and how willing you are to share your thoughts with us. I desire to be more transparent like you. Although it was just a short while ago that I was in the in-between, it can be easy to take my new role for granted. Being around you reminds me of how thankful I should be for my current state, and how much prayer I should be in for my friends who want to be there too. You are so dear to my family. Thank you for unselfishly giving of your time and resources to love on my baby even though he's not your own. I hope to return the favor someday. :-)

DebV said...

Rochelle, I too longed to be a Mother. I finally was blessed. You will be too. Hugs

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Rochelle, I'm so sorry your heart hurts. I've had many friends and family deal with this kind of in-between, and I know they've ached in this way. Especially in the month of May.

I don't blame you at all for staying home from church on Sunday. Not one bit.

Kirra Sue said...

Thanks for sharing your in-between. "God is sufficient," is what we preach to our down-cast hearts. If you get a moment, I would spend some time in Psalm 43, specifically in verses 3-5. God is not deaf to your heart nor has He forsaken you. He is here in the longing, and His desire is to satisfy you first and foremost with Himself!