Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Kind of Update You're Going to Want to Read

June 24, 2000, joined us together as man and wife.

When we first got married we'd hoped to have kids in 3 or 4 years, but life got away from us and we didn't feel quite ready.

But just a year or two later I was overcome with a desperate desire to have kids.

My husband was in a very different place.

So we waited.

I admit I honestly prayed that God would break through the birth control pill and miraculously cause me to get pregnant. {I never felt right about skipping them of course, because I believe in honoring and respecting your spouse.} I knew He could do it.

He didn't.

I struggled for years. In and out of major desire to have kids. So much so that some days I truly thought my heart might break. Conversations with hubster on this were sometimes good and helpful, other times overwrought with my desire. Sometimes the conversations were really hard and really bad. Sometimes I pressured him way too much. Sometimes he got really frustrated that I was so caught up in this wanting-kids-stuff.

3 years ago this past August, we decided we'd have me stop taking birth control. Tim was just sure I could get pregnant right away so admittedly he was a bit afraid to touch me at first, lol. ;)

As we started trying, things didn't happen quickly... and as time began to go by, my strength in this fight began to wane. Then came big topics of conversation with others about adoption. As I learned more and saw more faces of orphans, my heartache shifted.

In the past couple of years, I've deeply felt a desire within my heart to adopt. I've done research, talked to friends who are adopting or have adopted, and prayed that if this desire was right that God would change hubster's mind and we would know that's what's meant for us.

I've cried a lot. Begged God a lot.

Not able to understand why He wasn't changing Tim's mind when I so deeply felt the conviction to adopt. But I still prayed that if adoption was truly meant for us and not just a notion in my head, that God would make a way for it and would grip Tim's heart with the same desire.

Still nothing.

Tim did eventually seem to come around slightly to the idea and discussion as we went last Fall to an adoption seminar at church.

But then, poof. Not really there yet.

I was seriously bummed but kept praying. Tim would show signs that perhaps he'd be interested, but it was clear to me that I needed to keep waiting, trusting, and praying... instead of pestering, nagging, or getting too caught up in it all.

Lots of trials and difficulties in our marriage later, and I hit a breaking point in September 2012. I felt a strong conviction to get involved with a women's community at church. There was a marriage Bible study for women starting and I jumped in.

A bit uncertain. A bit overwhelmed and desperate. A bit afraid of what I'd learn.

And wham.

God has used these ladies and this study to really change me and my heart. Drastically. The way I react to Tim and show him respect. The way we communicate has improved. My prayers for him have deepened, grown, and are happening every day.

The past few months we've just relaxed and enjoyed what God has given to us. We've grown in our love for each other and we've worked hard at things. Not to say that there aren't still hard days, ohhh there are!, but to say that God is good and we've seen a lot of things transpire recently.

In October, God answered a huge prayer for me. I had waited a long time to talk to a woman at church who had been through a similar life experience. I wanted to be totally okay with the fact that God may never allow us to have kids. I thought most women in my Bible study small group had kids. By random discussion one night, my small group leader mentioned not having kids either and I got this funny feeling so I asked her to remind me how long she'd been married.

18 years. And she was over 40 with no hope of having kids.


Of course, I mean this graciously, my heart totally goes out to her {though understand me, she is okay!!}. But it was a huge answer to prayer, and not with just anyone, but with my wonderful small group leader! So the next week when the opportunity felt right, I asked her if we could talk for a few minutes.

She was so excited and happy to be able to share her story and what God had taught her through it all, on the other side of it now. 45 minutes later, and some tears shed, we rejoiced to be able to share in this together. She helped me see a good and godly perspective, and I really felt like a new person after our conversation.

I left there feeling so much peace and feeling okay with the fact that I may never have children. I prayed and rejoiced with God about it all, and thanked him for providing Michelle.

It was truly amazing and exactly what I needed. God knew!!

So then weeks went by and the week of Oct 27-Nov 3rd came.

Some strange stuff going on. Some concerns. Something not happening that usually does.

On November 3rd I took a test and....

friends, I can't believe I'm telling you this.... with tears in my eyes...



Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

God is SO good and his timing is so perfect! We are just beside ourselves with joy and elation - and some total freaking out as well!

I've just past my first trimester {15 weeks today in fact!}. Baby M is due 7/2/13. We've announced it officially to family and close friends, coworkers and our church. So now it's time for the internet. :)

I am considered high risk {I'll deliver after I turn 35 and all women are considered high risk at that point, plus I have high blood pressure and am overweight}. So while we're totally blown away and ecstatic that with my risks the baby has been fine and survived the 1st trimester, we certainly know not to take any moment for granted.

We'd greatly appreciate your prayers for me & baby over the next several months -- for good health, growth, and for a safe & healthy delivery! We are super excited and cannot wait to see what God has in store for us around the corner!!!

Here's to an EPIC 2013 for our growing {finally} family!!!!! EEEKK!


Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now. I am beyond thrilled for you, simply BEYOND!!!!!!

God's timing is perfect, and you will be the most fabulous mother.

I wish I could hug you in person!!! (((hugs))) xoxo

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Oh. My. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, friend. I am so, SO very happy for you!!!! What wonderful, fantastic, God-is-incredible news! Thank you for sharing with us!!!!

Eeeekkkk!!!! :)

Rochelle said...

Ahhh my two favorite don't-know-in-real-life blogging buddies!!! So glad you both saw this!!! I was most excited about you guys seeing this!! :) Yay!! Thanks SO much for your excitement for us and for your encouragement - it means a TON to me! Love you ladies both so very, very much!!

Sarakastic said...

Yay! Congrats! Will be praying for you

Carol said...

Congratulations to you and your hubby. I'm so very happy for you, knowing how badly you have wanted a baby. What an exciting time for you. May Gods blessings continue to shower down upon you. Happy News, Rochelle

Rochelle said...

Aww thank you ladies so very, very much!!! So sweet! Love all the excitement for us and baby!! :)

Jan said...

Thanks for your vulnerability, Roe. I didn't know much/most of this background. I thank God for His incredible patience as we learn to walk together in His ways. So very happy for you and Tim.