Wednesday, July 2, 2014

On Being 36

Last Thursday I turned 36. It was a bit surreal, as we were so focused on Elijah's birthday party and two days of 7 guests in our home, that we didn't have time to really do much or enjoy it.

It was also a very different kind of celebration, because last year I spent the day waking up with a massive panic attack at the hospital. Dreading visiting my son yet one more day in the NICU. I couldn't handle it. Not holding him and snuggling. I was just a mess.

The best birthday gift ever was to find out his tubes had been taken out and I got to hold him completely for the first time that morning since he'd been taken to the NICU.

Oh wow, it was such a joy. Though he still had wires, my heart was full.

When I had walked up to his 'room', the nurse had made a sweet "Happy Birthday Mommy, Love Elijah" sign. It was so sweet. She also gave me a large cupcake. The nurses signed a huge poster and also gave me cake & ice cream that night and sang to me. So they made it super special.

But being at work and at home with people I love, that was even more precious to me this year. Savoring my sweet gifts. Waking up next to Elijah nestled in my arms {we rarely let him sleep with us, but he had his 1 year shots the night before and was awake and screaming long enough that night that we just had to bring him to bed with us out of desperation!}. My work department sharing treats and singing to me.

My best friend and her kiddos singing to me... twice... a Portillo's lunch and homemade cupcakes. A poster from two of my favorite kids and their mama. A sweet story from Parker about me {he thinks I'm 12 and have blue eyes, LOL, so sweet!}. A beautiful card from my bestie with the sweetest words. Hugs, smiles, and my heart full bursting.

Hubster picking up Eli so I could have a break. Restful time at Panera sipping a Pepsi and just people-watching. With empty arms but a very full and complete heart.

An enjoyable dinner with hubster and baby at home with food I love. Then after Eli was in bed, we hit the cleaning full-force in preparation for our house guests. Gratefully we'd both taken Friday off to finalize party plans and hang out with our arriving guests, so we were able to stay up late and get a lot accomplished in our home. It felt good to do those things, knowing why everyone was coming to town... to celebrate Elijah's first year of life.

Besides, Tim and I will really celebrate on our date next Saturday to see a Christian comedian I love {sooo excited about this!!}. God bless your good timing for a tour, Tim Hawkins. :)

I remember back when I was turning 30 and how miserable and sad I felt about not having kids. Not knowing if I ever would. Wondering about God's plans for us. Fearing life ahead without kids. Turning 30 child-less. I hated it. So much.

And now I couldn't care less. I am right where God wants me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm happy. I'm content. And I'm several days in to being free of a year of anti-depressants too - yippee!!! :)

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