In light of my friend Mary's post over at Giving Up on Perfect, it seemed a good time to be real with you guys and totally share my little secrets. {I started writing this the day after her post, so you can tell it took some talking-myself-into-it before posting.}
I'm really good at pretending.
I can fake it like nobody's business.
I act like I'm confident and easygoing.
I can surprise the best of them.
Usually when people find out that I actually have about as much self-confidence as a knitting needle, they look like they're about to fall over. Now let's be clear here, I get no joy or satisfaction in that. I really, truly don't feel it's important for everyone in my life to know that the first 3 words I'd use to describe myself are: fat, ugly, annoying.
I'm not seeking some ridiculous pity or whatever here either. I truly see myself that way. At the same time, I'm thankful. I know God made me in His image.
But there are things about my looks that aren't in His image. Things that are sinful. I have an eating disorder...I overeat. That's sin. I have Trichotillomania. Since getting contacts in 4th grade, I've pulled my eyelashes and eyebrows, and I always looked funny. {more on this another time} That's sin.
So I struggle a lot with feeling like I look ridiculous. Which of course overrides any feelings like my personality is worth a darn. I know the truth is God loves me for who I am, in spite of those things, but since I'm causing myself to look/be this way, I find it easy to be really hard on myself.
{And to some degree, I think I should be hard on myself. But also too much self-focus is a bad thing. I want to continually lift my eyes to the cross of Christ, where he shed his blood for my sins, and instead of looking back at what I've done and what he's forgiven me for, I know I need to look forward and make changes that in turn allow me to be/feel more confident in myself and who God made me to be.}
Have I ever mentioned I'm also obsessive compulsive to a certain degree {not severe, just a little bit OCD}? So yes, I do obsess a bit with how awful I always feel like I look. I still try. I work hard to make myself look like I'm pretty, but I never fully believe it.
I'm scared of people judging me. I'm scared of annoying people to death. I'm scared of people making fun of me. I'm scared that I'll never be good enough. For anyone. To do anything.
A lot of this is rooted in the fact that I was made fun of a lot as a kid.
A lot.
Always feel like I'm letting people down.
Like what I do or say doesn't matter.
I know that this is my stronghold where Satan gets a good grip on me and tosses me around.
I'm working on it. And the first step is by being real here.
So there you go. The truth about me. Now...don't leave me hanging here.
What are you scared of?
2 comments:
Loneliness.
I've always been afraid of being alone. Not like I can't be by myself for an hour or two, but really and truly alone. Feeling like no one really wants to be friends with me, but they do it out of pity or compulsion.
I think loneliness is part of the human condition. At the fall, we were separated from God and from one another. To some extent we'll feel that until eternity. It's still a fear though.
Oh, friend. I know these feelings, too - even though I KNOW that I am made in HIS image and my thoughts about ugliness are LIES.
At the same time, I struggle with being too hard on myself and balancing that with a healthy desire to improve myself. I guess that's just it: WE can't improve ourselves. Only God can do that.
I'm sorry you have these feelings. I know what it's like, though. One thing that has helped was the Me, Myself & Lies study I did last summer. Have you done that one (or read the book it's based on, Self Talk Soul Talk by Jennifer Rothschild)? I highly recommend it.
As for what I'm scared of - well, you know some of it from my post! I'm scared of people not liking me and of not living up to my potential. Those are my biggies.
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