Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fibromyalgia Update

I've had so many ups and downs lately, I'm not sure how to put it all into words. I know a lot of you read this for Fibro updates and information, and I'm just not sure what to say today. There's not much of a full-blown update to give. Nothing has really changed.

I don't want to complain. God has been good to me. But I also long to be real on this blog. So you know I struggle and do not have it all together. Far from it in fact. I want to honor God with what I say here, but days like today it's just hard.

So here's to being real....

Everything hurts. It always does.

I'm tired. I always am.

Today's worst has been the head tingling. So painful. So annoying.

The list could go on and on.

There are days when just living life is exhausting. Depressing. Baffling.

There are days when endless joy abounds and we can just take it all in stride.

This just isn't one of those days for me.

There are days we long to just hide in a hole, away from the world, away from life, and just wish our pain and fatigue away.

There are days when we wish we could still skip, and in our minds envision ourselves doing so because our hearts are there. We have energy that day. We are thankful. We know life is good and God is great.

I wish I could say I knew day in and day out what it was going to be like for me. This roller coaster of not knowing how I'm going to feel when I wake up, when I get to work, or when I go home is just too much.

Days like today I want to quit. Just hide out for the rest of my life.

But I know that's not really living. I know that's not what I'm called to do.

So I force myself out of bed. I force myself to pretend like everything is okay. I force myself to ignore the pain as much as possible. I force myself to work hard. Be a good friend. Love others.

And cry behind a closed door where no one can see how much I hurt and how much my heart is breaking.

Today's baffling experiences of Fibro/brain fog and lack of coordination nearly had me doubled over tonight in exasperation and frustration. A couple examples:

This morning I couldn't find the lid to my Coke bottle. I searched and searched.

Only to find it on the Coke bottle.

Tonight my used-to-be-always-steady, now-totally-unsteady-shaky hands managed to splash Manwich sauce all over the place as I was making dinner. And spilled all over my favorite towel passed down from my Grandma {deceased}. I don't even have the strength or energy to fully clean it up. And I don't care.

And this was after just having had a major cry over the stove as the ground beef was cooking, and a desperate plea for God to take the Fibro away and make it stop hurting so much. Make it stop being so frustrating. Crying out to Him that I just can't do this anymore.

To top it off, it's not been a good marriage night either.

I know I just need to get a grip. But right now, truth be told, I'm falling apart.


blueviolet said...

You need to vent and just get it out, just like when you pray. Release it and it releases you, right? Hang tough, my friend. Tomorrow is bound to be a better day. ((hugs))

Lynn-Marie said...

I agree with blueviolet sometimes you just have to vent and that is OK! We are on such an emotional roller coaster ride with fibro....
You have such a beautiful amile and it hides so much pain!

Missy Schranz said...

Oh, Rochelle, your life makes mine look easy. Bless your heart! I wish I had some magic potion I could send you or words to comfort you. Know that you are NOT alone in this fibro battle. I , too, have days where I just don't care if the world would blow up. If fact, sometimes I'm disappointed it didn't!! But then joy comes in the morning and things aren't so bad. So just hang in there and know I am thinking and praying for you. And I hope you and Tim are NOT having problems. Talk things out and vent. Use the blog if you need to. We can take it!!!

Love ya,
Gentle hugs,

Debbie Vermilyea said...

Oh Rochelle, I'm so sorry you are having days that are hard to cope. It's hard not to have depression with chronic illness. I often have what I call "pitty party" days. Even tho another day my pain level may be the same, I'm able to cope. That's when others mention how I must be feeling better. If they could only understand the pain, fog, and unbalance are all still there. Only another person with Fibro can understand. When the pain, etc gets unbearable, I must give my body rest...no activities, just rest. Do you think working full-time is too much and you need to work PT? I know you love your job, but if you can't rest when your body needs it, your pain level will increase. I hope you are doing better and that you and Tim have worked out your differences. Big Hugs!

Debbie Vermilyea said...

There is something else I wanted to say...

I try to remind myself not to ask God "why" but to ask for strength to deal with my illnesses. To show me how to cope. Sometimes I ask "why" any way! There must be a reason we have been given FM. It's difficult to accept our journey, that's why I ask for strength and ways to cope.

Rochelle said...

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all your sweet comments!!

Blueviolet: you know I love you too girl. You are quite possibly one of the funniest bloggers I've ever known. The fact that we've gotten to be friends blows my socks off, cuz I just adore you like crazy. Thanks for being there for me and for being so insanely sweet and hilarious!! Hugs back at ya!!

Lynn-Marie: thanks! It's hard to know when it's just complaining or when it's truly venting. I want to tread carefully and not just have some "woe is me" mindset, but to stay focused on things above. Thanks for saying I have a beautiful smile - you totally made my day. :)

Missy: awww, my life really truly is blessed. I was just having one of those days. Or maybe just a month. Sometimes it's like that when I come down off the craziness of the holidays and into the brutal turn of winter. It'll be okay, this too shall pass. God has blessed me abundantly and I am truly grateful. And no Tim & I are fine. I just want to be able to be real about the hard marriage days too. We are totally in love and totally committed. It's just one of those things, ya know? I learned about a year or so ago that friends of mine weren't being really open with me about the pain in their marriages because they saw ours as perfect and all together. Wow, so not true. So I've decided being a little more open about our struggles is something I want to do so people see we are human too, and we have our days. I don't want to be on a pedestal. We are only able to make it through each year by the total grace of God. He is all we need to fight for our marriage as Satan tries to rip it apart. We're really fine, but we do struggle and I just want people to really see that.

Debbie, oh my gosh girl, you are so sweet. I appreciate so much keeping up with you on Facebook and all of your nice comments. You are always so encouraging!!! Please see my note above to Missy too. I just think it's been a rough little bout, but I know it'll get better. Today is a new day, and a better day. Not because I don't still feel awful, but because I've determined it's going to be better. And I know it'll be okay. Yesterday and Tuesday were just BAD days. I do love my job and I absolutely know this is where I'm meant to be. My Fibro seriously isn't bad enough to not work. Yes I have my days, but I can tell when I need to stay home, and my coworkers/boss are so flexible and loving about it. While my days have been bad, I know a lot of it has been in my head, just allowing myself to succumb to the depression and frustration. Today in part I feel better because I'm telling myself it'll be better today. I'm working hard to stay focused and determined to have a good day. My body in turn is acting more like normal. I don't know why but sometimes this is how it works for me. Anyway, I appreciate your concern, but work is totally fine. I'm really not that bad. I see every day on the blogosphere so many people who have it so much worse than I do. My Fibro isn't nearly as bad as so many others. I'm hanging in there, really I am. I just have my days.

Thank you guys for letting me vent here and for being so sweet and caring! Love to all of you!!!