Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Feeling Blue

Today I had a moment where I was ready to break.

Fall apart. At the seams. And just run away.

Then in the bathroom at work while crying out to God silently he directed me to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
{don't tell me I'm the only one who pops out my iPhone and browses those nifty Bible apps that go with you everywhere like while... ahem, you know....}

I immediately felt silly. How prideful and caught up in myself I get.

My struggles. My fears. My frustrations. My sin. My inability to be perfect.

In that moment as God gripped me, I was quickly able to recognize the positives of everything happening around me. Only by the grace of God.

But I was struck that my heartache was worth rejoicing over. Rejoice always. There's no modifier to that. We are commanded to always rejoice. No matter what.

No matter that we're afraid we'll never be a parent. No matter that we're afraid that coworkers think badly of us because they misunderstood a situation.

No matter that we constantly fail and sin. No matter that we can't seem to control our perfection... or serious lack thereof. No matter that we are constantly in physical pain.

Rejoice always.

Rejoice always... In the midst of not having kids. In the midst of not being seen perfectly or as we might want some people to see us. In the midst of constantly feeling judged for being overweight.

In the midst of major car issues. In the midst of our own health issues. In the midst of death, destruction, chaos, and pain.

In the midst of a favorite uncle just being told the thought-it-was-almost-gone cancer has become inoperable, terminal bone cancer.

In the midst of a dear friend's father's near-death tractor accident. In the midst of a long, long recovery road ahead.

In the midst of Fibromyalgia pain and fatigue that's so intense there's not a day this week where I haven't cried out to God to heal me. Now. Please. Through tears even now. I must choose to rejoice. Always.

In my flesh, I don't want to. I don't want be happy about all of this. I don't want to say right now that I know God is good, even though I know he is. I want to be stubborn and frustrated and tearful and sad that my life is never going to be what I thought it would be. I want to scream and kick and cry that I can't seem to do anything right these days.

Just for right now. Just for a moment. I want to be real that this is my pain, my situation.

But the Bible says rejoice always. I want to grow in that, but while I'm growing, can I be real here and just say it's really, really hard right now?

Oh how I long for Heaven. Pain-free, sin-free, and rejoicing always.

Our practice time is here on earth. To learn how to rejoice in everything, whereas someday in Heaven we'll be rejoicing for real. Always. With nothing to hold us back.

Nothing to hold us back!


Until that day, I must choose to rejoice as God has commanded. I will do my best.

Until then, I want to be who God has called me to be. I will do my best.

I might be struggling in this very moment, but I'm thankful that God grips me, hasn't given up on me, and constantly reminds me of his presence, his goodness, and his grace even when I'm being a bit of a moron. I'm so thankful for his redeeming grace, for his love poured out on the cross so that in our pain and weakness and stumbles, his glory might be revealed.

Friends: rejoice always. 

I'm working on it. Will you work on it with me?


Lynn-Marie said...

Great Post!! Just what I needed to read today......:)
Thank you so much for the encouraging comment you left me on my blog.

Rachel Jones said...

Thanks for posting this - needed to hear this and need to rejoice always as well. Thanks for the reminder and praying for all those things you mentioned. Thanks for being real Rochelle.