Thursday, June 16, 2011

Fibromyalgia's Toll

I realize my posts have been overtaken by photos a lot lately. I have been trying to live my life to the fullest, and sharing with you what's going on in my life, while pretending as if Fibro is not getting the best of me.

It all came to a head on Monday night. Tim was teasing me about losing my grip on something {like the phone, the remote, my car keys, a plastic cup, etc} for the umpteenth time in recent evenings, and I lost it {meaning I started bawling}. I know he was kidding, but you know when you're just having one of those days where it's building up and out of nowhere the toll of it just gets to you and you can't hold the emotions back anymore?

This was one of those times. I felt badly for Tim, it totally wasn't his fault, so I hid myself away in our bedroom for a time while trying to keep it together. Then I spent about 20 minutes or so standing in our driveway {it was such a gorgeous evening!}, staring up at the moon and stars, talking to God and crying out to him. I confessed to God that I just really didn't want this anymore.

I read some of my favorite comforting/God's promises Scripture passages, and then I watched clips of the most inspiring, faith-filled movie I've ever seen: Facing the Giants. Every time I need a good, solid, visual reminder of what God can do in people's lives outside of Scripture, I pop this movie in. For example, the lead character, Grant Taylor, is struggling as an insurmountable bunch of odds add up in his life to more than he can handle. He goes out into a field near his house with Bible in hand, reads some Scripture out loud, and then cries out to God:

“Lord Jesus, would you help me? I need you. Lord, I feel like there are giants of fear and failure just staring down at me, waiting to crush me. And I don’t know how to beat them Lord. I’m tired of being afraid. Lord, if you want me to do something else, show me. If you don’t want me to have children, so be it. But you’re my God. You’re on the throne! You can have my hopes and my dreams. Lord, give me something. Show me something.”

That is so powerful to me! I played that scene over and over as a reminder of how you can cry out to the Lord like the Psalmist did, but doing so without doubting God. 

For me, I am questioning why... why me, why this, why now. But also doing it with hope, knowing that he can turn all of that to gold (Job 23:10).

Right now, I hate this battle I'm fighting.

Most days, I really am thankful for it. The good days are still around more often than the bad days lately, despite my slippage in exercising regularly. When it's a good day, I don't know what to say about it. I'm unsure of how to get on my blog and say specifics like "it's a good day despite the Fibro". But that's about all there is to say about that. I'm not sure where else to take it. So instead, I share pictures, stories, etc, about my daily life that gives you a peek into my good days.

But right now, this week, I'm just not okay with it all. I hate it. I want it to go away.

That's the truth, it's my reality, it's my fault for letting myself get this way, I'm trying to act normal, in fact I'm fighting to act normal and keep my relationships as normal as possible, but it's really, really, really hard.

The weariness of it all has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of always putting on a happy face, and going home, hiding in a corner, and sobbing. I want my life to feel normal, that's why I sometimes pretend, because if gives me some resemblance {no matter how small} of normalcy.

I hate that I lose my grip on things so easily. My hands don't work the way they used to. Whether it's large or small, sometimes I really have to focus all my energy on it so that it doesn't just slide out of my hand. I hate that I'm excited about life events that are coming, but when it gets down to the wire, I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to care anymore.

The fatigue this week has hit me like the biggest mountain to climb, and I just can't.

But the key is, I can't in my own strength. (Phil. 4:13) I have to fully rely on & depend on God to give me the strength. When I try to do it on my own, I fail miserably. I get frustrated and want to give up. But when I'm depending on him, ohhh how much more I can do. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I'm well because he's with me. I'm making a difference because he's helping me. I'm just simply taking another breath because he's allowed it to be so.

Even in these fleeting moments of frustration, fear, and failure, ultimately I know that the strength of God is at my side. I don't have to do this alone. I shouldn't do this alone. He is with me.

I keep reflecting on something Beth Moore said in our last Bible study in the Daniel series last week. "It is brokenness that ushers us into the breakthrough." Wow - that's it right there.

At the end of the day, I truly do believe that I've learned more with Fibromyalgia than without it. I truly do believe that God has used it to mold & shape my character.

And I am thankful. Maybe not every second of every day, but my thankfulness is growing as I grow in Christ. That's what's important.

More important than being able to grip the stinkin' remote control. 


Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Oh, friend. I'd been wondering about you and thinking of I know why. I cannot imagine for one second to know what you deal with every single day. And so I don't have any good, comforting, wise words. But I have prayer - and THAT is all yours.

Missy Schranz said...

I know how you feel! I feel the same way with the toll of fibro. And all we can do is just do it one day at a time. You are in my prayers! Hugs,Missy

blueviolet said...

I can't even imagine what you have to go through on a daily basis. I wish it would just go away!

Rochelle said...

The fact that the 3 of you care so much despite never even having met me absolutely blows my mind!!! I am so grateful & appreciative to have such wonderful bloggy friends! Thank you ladies sooo much, it means the world to me!!!!

dandelion68 said...

I'm glad I found your blog. I too have fibro and your words reasonate with me so much. The only difference is that I sputtered to a stop when it comes to God and turning to Him. Its been about 5 years for me since it all started with fibro, and surgeries, and I'm still not okay with it, or accepted it, and I'm definitely not thanking God for it! But bless you for getting to that point that you can say that! Want to teach me how to turn to God?

Rochelle said...

dandelion: I'd love to chat with you more about this! I'm sooo glad you ran across my blog too, and I'd love to help you in any way I can. Please email me at rochellelearning at gmail dot com (spelled out in hopes of avoiding spam grabbers...) and I'll respond in more detail that way! :)