Difficult Weeks

I go through the motions of life.

Doing okay in the grand scheme of things. Thankful for the blessings I have.

But in those still, quiet moments with God... if I'm truly honest I admit that

I'm 

falling 

apart

Completely and utterly broken.

Over a difficult issue/relationship. Over failed attempts to make things better. Over being misunderstood and judged.

Over being insanely stressed out, under pressure for an extensive period of time, and nearly burnt out at work. {And yes, I still love my job!}

Over events that are close to my heart and making me sick to my stomach. Deep conversations over stuff that really matters but is so confusing and complex it makes my head explode.

Over a dear family member fighting cancer, and potentially facing a rapidly losing battle. It absolutely tears my heart in two.

On the flip side, there's been an influx of absolutely precious times with friends that give me a glimpse of hope and a solace for my broken heart. Key times with the Lord that have been necessary for healing my wounds.

If I'm completely real and authentic, I can say that these past two weeks have truly been rough in my heart. Not really on the outside. I want to be real but also know that it all could be worse that I could be in even darker, harder places {and I have been before, not that long ago}. But the reality is if I'm honest, I'm in a difficult place right now. Not the worst, not the best. It just is what it is.

I know my faith is being tested.

That Satan heard me raving about my true peace, contentment, and joy - and he set to work on trying to knock me down several pegs.

I refuse to let him win. I refuse to succumb to the challenges ahead. I dig in my tough side and get ready with my boxing gloves.

I'm not going down. I'm going to fight.

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
(1 Corinthians 15:56-58, ESV)

Because I've got God on my side, and I know through him we have eternal hope, blessed assurance, and ultimate victory.

Which reminds me of a favorite hymn....

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Choosing to rest in Him today, no matter what may come my way!