Struggling for Words

my little guy has a bad cold.

i have several friends going through some really hard times.

i know God is sovereign and i totally trust him.

but i've also been playing events over in my mind again of elijah's birth, and i still just don't get it.

i'm confused. feeling a bit lost.

lonely. aching to talk to someone. right now, it's just not a good time to talk with those i love most because they have their own things. that's okay.

i know it's all pointing me to Jesus, but right now...

i'm rebelling.

i honestly just want to curl up in a hole.

my fibromyalgia pain has been through the roof since my flu shot yesterday. i kid you not. i always react poorly to those types of things. i'm not sick, just freaking out.

had a chiropractor appt that was great this morning. but hours later after taking care of a sick {and screaming bloody murder} kiddo, it's all out of whack again.

i can't see straight.

i sob.

i wanted all of this. i still do. i love it. wouldn't change it.

don't feel bad for me. at all.

just venting. sharing the hard stuff. struggling.

unable to come up with right words. most of the time i'm okay.

there are just those days. those moments. you just can't make anything make sense. you're in a tizzy. spinning in circles. trying to make sense of such a broken and devastated world.

i get it, ultimately, to an extent. but that doesn't make it easier. that doesn't mean i can't question or doubt. i know it means i need to have deeper faith.

just in this moment, i'm at a loss. and that's okay.

i know everything will be fine.

just for today, i'm being honest that sometimes it's truly okay to be searching, struggling, fighting for each breath, confused, at a loss for words, exhausted beyond belief, in so much pain you have a hard time seeing God's goodness... just is what it is.

no answers or funny life stories or pics of the baby today. it just is what it is. it's hard. and yet so, so, so good.