Today is a tough day for me. I admit that I'm struggling. Mother's Day has been emotional for me for years. Despite our decision not to rush to have children, I've struggled with my own selfish desire to have kids sooner rather than later for several years now. We decided to wait for a multitude of reasons. But a few years ago, my motherly instincts started to kick in, and I've had a desire for children ever since. I don't always feel like the timing is right, but sometimes I do and I struggle with how to feel about it. I stand behind our decision, but Mother's Day still gets me emotionally. (And especially now with the addition of a diagnosis of Fibro, I've wondered how this would affect me as a mother and think it's best to wait until all of that gets sorted out.)
Needless to say, I find myself crying on Mother's Day and getting easily cranky. It's the hardest at church where they have the moms stand every year to cheer for them, thank them, and pray for them. And every year, I start to cry right there in the middle of church. This year I hoped that having Tim's mom join us for church would help me concentrate more on her, rejoicing with and thanking her, so that I didn't focus on myself. It wasn't successful. I was happy with her, but it was shortlived. During the prayer I started crying and then it turned to near sobs when the person praying mentioned the women who weren't standing and really wanted to be, for whatever reasons they weren't moms yet (generally this probably refers to the women who are infertile, and I feel deeply sad for them, but at the same time it still gets me). It was so sweet the way she said it, and I nearly lost it right there in the service. I collected myself, cried quietly, and then quietly blew my nose when the prayer had ended and others were distracted with singing. It took everything I had in me to be able to concentrate on the sermon after that. Thankfully it was not a sermon on mothers and I was able to focus, with God's help.
Shortly after that, I noticed Tim looked like a white sheet and like he might faint. So my attention turned to him. He told me he was suddenly feeling very, very weak. It was hard not to think of that and worry about him the rest of the sermon too, but we made it through. He's fine, but he's been sick all day. So his mom and sis picked us all up some food from Panera and we ate back here at the house. Tim didn't eat much but I was able to get two large things of gatorade in him and he did have some cereal for dinner, so at least he's keeping stuff in him. We checked his blood pressure, pulse, and temperature, and everything seems normal. We have no idea what's going on, but we're guessing it could be the strange strand of the flu that's going around right now.
Add on top of all of that emotion that this is our first year without any of our grandmas, and my mom is also in another country on her honeymoon. I'm excited for mom, and glad Grandma and Nana are in heaven with Jesus, but selfishly I'm really missing all of them right now. And I can't even talk to my mom on the phone because it's too expensive (while I'm sure she wouldn't be upset that I called her, I don't think making her pay for a phone call is the best Mother's Day present ;). I did wish her Happy Mother's Day before she left, so that will have to suffice).
Tim's mom is such a blessing, and I'm really thankful we got to spend several hours with her. And my two nieces, my only sibling's kids, talked to me on the phone today and really helped cheer me up. Although one of them did wish me a Happy Mother's Day (in the cutest, sweetest voice) and it did get me a little choked up. I just wished I could reach through the phone line and give her a big hug!
To the rest of you wonderful mothers out there, I do sincerely hope you've had a very Happy Mother's Day!! I hope you know how truly blessed you are.
And despite my feelings of discouragement, selfishness, and self-pity today, I am reminded of those who have it much more difficult than I. A good college friend of mine has had 8 or 9 miscarriages, and desperately longs for children of her own. And a friend of a friend who blogs here at Entrusted reminds me, through her infertility struggles, that I need to be thankful that, to my knowledge, I will be able to have children one day despite the fact that we do not have them yet. For that I am hopeful and thankful. And I am ashamed of my thoughts... and turning my eyes and focus on the Lord instead of myself.