Thursday, April 8, 2010

Just for the Record

 (c) 2000 Lisa Wigoda Photography, used by permission
I love my husband. I really do. No matter what we are going through, no matter how tough times get, no matter my emotional and physical issues... I love him. Even when I don't like him, I love him.

Which means I just have no excuse.

No excuse for not getting him gifts for his birthday. No excuse for just going through the day like it was ho-hum, no big deal.

Despite that he doesn't generally like birthdays. Despite that his only request was that I make him cupcakes to eat and take to work with him forget to take them to work with him. Despite that he didn't seem very excited about it himself.

Perhaps he's gotten used to me making it a slightly big deal.

Perhaps he cares more about it than he often lets on.

Perhaps I should have decided that no matter how much traveling, exhaustion, fatigue, pain, flare-ups, not being at home I did, I needed to get him something even if it meant a midnight run to Wal-Mart.

Perhaps I should work harder at being a better wife.

But right now, this week, I quite frankly don't care.

I know, I know, that's terrible.

I'm in so much pain, fatigue, and heartache that I can't see straight. My brain isn't focusing. I'm not all here. I'm in my own little world. Not sharing even three-quarters of what I'm thinking or feeling with another soul {except God, of course}. I'm losing half my words this week in the middle of a sentence. I can't concentrate. I forgot it was coming. I knew it was but it slipped out of my grasp. 
I feel rotten about it, and yet I don't.

I'm just being real. This is where I'm at right now.

I love you, honey, really I do. No gifts in the world could even begin to show you how much you mean to me. I hope you know how much I mean that.

But don't worry, I'm still getting you something nice so you understand that I really am sorry, and that you deserve better. I'm really very sorry that you are stuck with me. That you are stuck with this awful Fibro. Sometimes I just wish I could make it better for you. You got a pretty raw end of the deal.

I'm so sorry. I love you.


Lynda Young said...

This is a great post because it is about being real. But it's also keeping the doors of communication open which is essential in a marriage.

Vikki G said...

Hang in there! You know I completely understand~ sometimes because of my illness....I have no energy...sometimes I feel like I am in a constant fog and sometimes I too do not like my husband~ Yep! I said it...I don't like him ...I love him~ but sometimes I wish he would just go away for the afternoon...hahah~ so know you are not alone in this crazy life. Be encouraged that there are sisters out there going through many similar things in life and we just need to hold each other up.

Lynn-Marie said...

This is the great thing about about a let's you get your feeling out. Let's you vent. Let's you know that there are people who understand exactly what you are saying and feeling!!!!!

My husband has taken so much from me because of my pain and it breaks my heart everyday. God truly blessed me with an AWESOME man!!!!
Just keeping the lines of communications open....all I can say is God is Great!!! I am praying your pain gets better. I am having a medium pain day but dealing with some serious IBS issues and husband really loves me...hahaha