Friday, February 18, 2011

Living Life

I haven't posted a lot because I haven't really had a whole lot to say. Or at least anything interesting. I'm kind of bored with my 'regular' posts. Not sure any of them really mean much to anyone anyway.

I love my life, but sometimes I just think writing about that is easy. Posting pictures. Rambling on about how I'm blessed. Forcing myself to focus on the positives no matter how I'm feeling.

Often deciding to not be real about how I'm feeling because it makes me too vulnerable, misperceptions can arise, and I'm afraid of what people will think.

I've had a couple weeks where every lunch was taken up. Nearly every night after work something was going on to some degree and I was needed for something.

Do you ever just need a break from being needed, and long to just be wanted?

Does that even make sense?

I'm not sure my brain can even make sense of my attempting to make sense. I'm a jumbled, garbled mess of thoughts.

I just have times where I kind of collapse and have to stop being needed. I just want to curl up in Tim's arms, lean into him for support, and allow his wisdom, strength, and love to soak through from him to me. Last night was one of those nights.

I am a social butterfly. I love it. I love organizing lunches with groups, parties with coworkers, lots of people everywhere. Love. Relish. It's great!

But sometimes, I get tired of playing leader and just need to be lead.


Today was good. Hard, but good. Said goodbye to a beloved, wonderful, hilarious editorial intern we'd had for the past month and a half. I had lunch with her 4 times this week with various others {pics to come, I just don't have the energy tonight}.

Said hello and goodbye this week to an off-site editor that I haven't seen in 2 years. Dearly love her. Good to catch up and to be reminded of another person who understands what I go through {she has an autoimmune disease} and someone who wasn't able to have a child until after 12 years of marriage. Catching up with her is always good for my soul.

Saying goodbye always rips my heart out.

I hate goodbyes.

At lunch I heard all my friends talking about their kids or grandkids or younger kid siblings. I couldn't relate. I wanted to share in all their happiness, and I really was able to relax and enjoy it, and forced myself to learn from them and make mental notes. But truth be told, it was hard. I wanted to join in and relate. But I can't.

Don't get me wrong, I genuinely am happy for other people and the changes in their lives. I really am.

But I also just feel kinda like everyone's lives are speeding past us, and we're just standing still. Going through the motions.

Like everyone else is living life and we're not.

My heart hurts a bit tonight.

I'm not wallowing or want any sort of pity, please don't misunderstand me. I just want to share openly what's on my heart.


Marti said...

Yes, I can relate. I do not have children, and actually we are ok with that. But then again, I taught school for 10 years--in my heart they were my children.

We all feel blue sometimes and I know I speak for others as well as myself--be transparent. When you have a bad day, say so! I have bad days all the time, and I too, feel like everyone else s life is moving on, and I am standing still waiting to get better. You are not by yourself in this.

I can also relate to "not being needed, but just wanted". My sister tremendously struggles with that. She is always taking care of others and ignoring her own needs. It is important to learn to identify your needs and learn to say no sometimes. Take care of yourself--your body & soul need it.

Missy Schranz said...

Boy, do I know how you feel!! I feel like my hubby and I will NEVER get ahead, yet everyone else is speeding on by!! Must be in the air, why we are feeling like this!