Monday, June 2, 2014

Sorrow & Joy - Infertility, Baby Deaths, and My Fears

This time last year, my pregnancy was coming to a close.

And I was still in complete shock & awe that I was really pregnant. With our baby. Something I had given up on. Had surrendered to the Lord. Had assumed would never happen for us. Had finally gotten to the point of being content if we didn't have kids. And God surprised us.

This time last year, I was living in deep fear over labor & delivery {and if you've been around here a while, you know how God took care of that for us!}. I was sucked into my own world, but also fully aware of the hurt of others.

In our fullest joys, I never want to forget the deepest sorrows of others. It utterly broke my heart last year to hear of my coworker and his wife learning their baby had a ... disorder {not sure what it's officially called} ... and would inevitably die. And he did pass away in his mama's womb. And I remember telling said coworker that we were praying for them, as I watched him start to break down, and how hard I cried for them as I walked away and melted into a puddle in secret so as not to make his own heartbreak worse.

And selfishly how I grabbed my own womb and begged God for me to carry our baby to term, and that he'd be healthy.

Then we learned of Tim's former coworker who lost her baby suddenly at 24 weeks. Just... gone, with no reason.

Then we learned of my dear, dear friend Georgia and her gut-wrenchingly awful news about her sweet, precious baby girl who was also diagnosed with a rare disorder that would cause the baby to die in the womb or live a very short time in the world. That hit home even harder as I'm closest with Georgia personally.

I remember being overwhelmed with sorrow in the midst of my own joy. We were leaving the local building where we took our newborn son with us to pick up his birth certificate. We were sitting in the car. Ready to drive away. And devastating news. I thought someone had kicked my stomach. Hard. I couldn't breathe for a minute.

Not long after that, my sister-in-law's brother and their family lost their baby boy in the womb. Their only boy after 2 precious girls. It was awful. They are so dear to us.

And everything just came back to my own fears. I feared my entire pregnancy that I would lose the baby. I was such high risk and they didn't know if I'd make it through. I was at risk for premature labor. We were trying to walk with Jesus and trust the Lord deeply, but admittedly every doctor's appointment was riddled with concerns about when the bad news might come.

It never did. Until he was born, and that's when it got really hard. And I thought "why did the Lord bring me all this way to only possibly take my son from me NOW?!?!?" Even when Elijah wasn't THAT bad, I couldn't see past my own fog. My own sin. My own crippling fears that my son would die... after all that... and the Lord was using it to teach me lessons in trust.

Oh how very much God got a hold of me and taught me how messed up my theology was!! I spent a LOT of months on my knees & in tears, but he met me in my deep sorrow, and reminded me of his goodness and grace, his mercy and love.

The world is truly full of so much sorrow and grief. Sometimes it's just hard to even process.

Then there are the joys. My other coworker Don and his wife Sara, after years of struggling through infertility, adopted two adorable boys from Ethiopia and were in the process of adopting a baby girl from Ethiopia. Then WHAM.

Out of nowhere, surprise they're pregnant!!! EEK!!!

So exciting.

Joy and sorrow. Hardship and pain.

In the midst of my Fibromyalgia or my struggles as a parent with a chronic illness... I watch the blogs of those who have it so much worse.

It really helps keep things in perspective. Reminds us of the frailty of life. Keeps us humble. Grows our character. Brings us together with those who are hurting by praying for and with each other.

In my attempts to wrap this post up, I just read my coworker's wife Sarah's blog post, and she says all of this so much better than I'm trying to. Check it out here.

As I post pictures about Elijah, know that I also don't do so insensitively or without a desire to bring together those who are hurting by way of showing off my own cute baby. I often think about those trying to get pregnant in my posts, but neglecting to think about the other types of losses out there - like those with recent awful news about their own baby or the loss of their baby.

So just know that I care. That there is room for us all here too. Please don't be silent with your hurts or think that you are there alone. We are here. We care.

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