Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dinners, Friends, and Fibro

I had a simply marvelous dinner last night with my biblical counselor from church, who has also become a dear friend. Last night's dinner was a friend-catching-up type thing although we did throw a bit of counseling in there. (I mostly need it for anxiety and dealing with the issues of living with a chronic illness.) She is absolutely hands down one of the godliest women I know outside of my mom. She can quote so many Scriptures right off the top of her head, word things in such a way that you never feel discouraged around her, prays over you, and gives some of the best, godliest advice...while all knowing that she's a sinner saved only by God's grace and that she's a human who also struggles with things. She's so down-to-earth. I just love meeting with her and having her pour God's Word into me, encourage me, pray with me, even ask for my advice, and just be a friend with her. It was so much fun!

But... I have to admit I really struggled with whether or not to cancel last minute. When I got home from work yesterday I collapsed onto the couch for half an hour to rest, and almost fell asleep. When I went to get up, I could barely move. I had a crushing weight of overwhelming exhaustion hit me as I was starting to close the house door behind me. She almost got a phone call. Those are the moments you know if you push through, you could regret it later.

I pushed.

I didn't regret it later.


Even today I feel as though every part of my body is telling me to stop moving. Just rest. I've done so much resting already (didn't go anywhere or do anything all weekend except church). It gets to a point where you feel like if you stop moving, you're just going to shrivel up and die. You can't fully stop living, but you also have to realize you need rest. Where do you draw the line? How do you know when too much is just too much? How do you know when resting more is going to make it that much harder to move later and you're actually doing more harm than good? How do you know when you've pushed yourself into a full-blown flare when you don't think you've done anything that would cause it? How do you know you're making the right call?

So far for me it's been a lot of trial and error. I haven't had it long enough yet (3 years to the day next Monday 8/17) to really have a good grasp of it, but long enough that I think I'm getting a little smarter about it. Although I've certainly gotten a lot worse than I was 3 years ago.

Today it didn't help that our neighbor's dog was barking right outside our window all through the night. It didn't help that I "woke up" (from what very little and poor sleep I'd already had) to hubster telling me we need to stop using the upstairs shower because the leak is getting too bad and we need to call someone to take a look at it. It didn't help that my commute this morning wasn't good.

But, always, God continues to shine his light of victory and sovereignty over the situation, and I'm so thankful for his hand in my life. We'll see what tomorrow brings.....

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