Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween, Kids, and Boredom

Wrote most of this yesterday just forgot to finish it & post it....

Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope you are enjoying this day, wherever you are, and being safe & smart no matter how you celebrate it.

Personally, we aren't huge into Halloween. Hubster hates it. He was raised to basically think it's a Satanic holiday and to not participate in it. I was raised to know the difference between the good and the bad of this holiday. We never wore witches, ghosts, goblins, etc, as our costumes. We were cute animals, clowns, cartoon characters, etc. It was always just for fun, a great way to get to know & visit our neighbors (keep in mind that I grew up in the middle of nowhere in the country where we knew our neighbors pretty well, and where nothing ever went wrong), and a chance to get free candy and popcorn balls.

For the first few years of marriage, we didn't do anything for Halloween, but keep lights off and hide. After buying this house 6 years ago, I had finally decided to do my own thing and ask Tim to do his. So, he hides in the basement during trick-or-treat hours (when applicable), and I hand out candy. Most years, he isn't even home from work until half an hour before the end of the allotted hours. I often leave work a little early so I can get home in time for at least some daylight. The first year I did it, we had absolutely no one stop at our house, but it was all after dark. So in the past few years, I've been able to see some kids/some teens... the first couple years I was nervous about it. I'm easily rattled living in a big city, and used to always totally freak out at just one doorbell ring. I'm getting more relaxed now and appreciate living in such a safe neighborhood.

Now I absolutely love the visiting kids, seeing their costumes, hearing their polite "trick or treat" and "thank you", watching them run to the next house, and hoping that in turn no one decides to egg my house! I am thankful this year it's a Saturday as it makes it more relaxing and easier to enjoy. So far though, 2 hours into our trick-or-treat time, I've only had 12 kids. Sad. Oh well, I didn't buy an overly large amount of candy knowing that our street doesn't get a lot of kids.

And given the lull between kids...

I'm bored.

So I've been sitting here, browsing the Internet while watching an NCIS marathon on USA, while hubster is hiding in the basement playing Halo... and contemplating things. Like what we'll do when we have kids and how we'll handle this holiday for them. Like the meaning of prayer, as MckMama is contemplating today on her blog here. Like the realities of marriage. Like how annoyed I am that the dog next door is constantly barking and that our neighbors would be so stupid as to let him be outside most of the evening while kids are going door-to-door. This dog barks at everything.

Shadows. Breeze. Squirrels. Me coughing in our bathroom. Our TV. Nothing. Everything.

The dog was out past midnight last night and I was soooo close to calling the cops! Grrrr. I'm so fed up with our senseless, disrespectful neighbors. And yet, I know I need to love them. How do you show love to people that are constantly driving you bonkers?? I'm trying. I'm praying for patience and love. Just coming up a bit short at the moment....

So I know I've mentioned the kid thing before, but it's time to get real. Well, mostly real.

I know I've told you before that I am trying to lose weight, not just for health reasons, but also for trying to get pregnant. We want to have kids, but we're not in a hurry. Next June, we'll be married for ten years. Maybe by then we'll try. But we aren't sure. We're just going to see where this year takes us. I'm hoping to really get in shape and lose a lot of weight. I want to be healthier. I'm so glad that one of our biggest concerns, my blood pressure, seems to really be getting better. I hope that as I work slowly toward coming off all my medicines (except allergy), I will lose even more extra weight and the blood pressure will get under control even more.

On days like this, when I'm surrounded by adorable kids, I think even more about having kids of my own. Not in a jealous way anymore. Not in a frustrated way anymore. But the desire is absolutely there. And while it is, I also want to be more careful about the way that I dwell on that desire. As our pastor reminded us last weekend, it really is true that you need to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I don't want to be so preoccupied with wanting a baby that that's all that I'm about. Wanting it so badly I'm not going to be happy until I get it. In which case I'd be in danger of getting that very thing, that baby, only to grow to hate it because of wanting it so badly.

I've decided I want to only want God more. I want more of Him in my life. I want to be more about Him and doing His work. I want to soak in these years I have alone with hubster while I have them, instead of pouting and crying that I don't have kids yet. Am I frustrated sometimes with it just being the two of us after over 9 years of marriage? Absolutely! But am I going to keep sulking and making my life solely about having/wanting a baby, making both hubster & I absolutely miserable in the process? Absolutely not!

Yes it's still hard. But I'm working toward a more regular grateful attitude for what I do have... a hope for our future... and ultimately trusting the Lord more fully. I struggle with that because I feel like it's my fault that we aren't having kids. But even if I was in good health, I'm still not sure we'd quite be at that place. Hubster hasn't been ready, but I think the coming couple of years will see kids entering our lives (if God so allows). I can't make the weight loss totally about having a baby as that's added too much pressure, so now it's about getting healthy, more active, helping lessen the Fibromyalgia symptoms, having more energy, and growing together as a couple. After that, we'll just see...

Ultimately, I want to be in a place where I am fully trusting, fully relying, fully depending, and fully loving God and God alone.

I'm not there yet. But I'm working on it.


On a slightly separate, but related note... I talked to my mom and dad today. Both told me about how Halloween was for my two nieces and admittedly I got a teeny bit homesick.

Olivia (6) went as Tinkerbell. She was just tickled with joy! Cayley (3) went as a clown. In a costume my mom made. For my brother growing up. I also wore it. Some of my cousins wore it. Now Cayley got to wear it. And even though it was a bit too big for her, she was just wayyy too excited to even possibly think about saying no to her. Dad said she was just silly with excitement and told everyone in the neighborhood that her daddy and aunt had both worn that costume growing up. She just loved it! Awwwww. :)

They have a neighbor friend who came as a vampire princess. Um, what?! What is that?!! How can one be a vampire and a princess? Vampires are gross and disgusting and make me gag. Princesses are adorable and sweet. You cannot be both things.

I'm just sayin'.....

My dad sent a couple pictures... seriously, so cute and sweet!!

Hope you had a wonderful, safe, fun, candy-filled Halloween!

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