Thursday, October 14, 2010

Full Life Update

It's about that time for a full update on where I'm at right now with everything. So... deep breath... and away we go:

Flat tire (last Thursday):
The day ended quite differently than it began, with some differences of opinion between hubster and I on how to handle it. It was rough because he's the leader and decision-maker when it comes to things like this, but he was at work while I was trying to describe everything to him, but there was a lot of going back and forth between waiting, debating, talking to the service people, etc, and too much confusion. I felt pretty overwhelmed and just wanted to draw in the reigns and make the decision myself. I'm a bit of a control freak like that. Needless to say, it was a stressful and draining day, but God graciously got us through it. $500 and 1 exhausting, sickly afternoon later.... I had 4 new tires. It turned out that the item that got lodged in my tire was in the side (tread--see below) where they don't recommend repairing it or you could have a blow out (so then obviously they won't repair it because it's a safety issue and they'd be liable). Because I have an all-wheel drive vehicle, all four tires had to be replaced at the same time. So it took all day, but in trying to see the positive... I have four new tires just before winter.

Oh my goodness, I can't believe we thought we'd even be able to attempt all of that. My favorites of the new shows are: Mike & Molly, Chase, Better with You, and Outsourced. 3 of the 4 are comedies. It's been a while since we've really had a streak of good comedies, so I hope these continue. Mike & Molly is my favorite of those, it's soooo stinkin' hilarious! I love the actors in it, and I love that they are overweight but beautiful people. I love that they can deal with the serious/sensitive issues of being overweight and still be able to poke fun at it at the same time. They do it well and not in an annoying way. It's hilarious as all get out! To learn more or to watch full episodes, go to CBS.

My cold appears to have gone away. Praise God! Except that I still get hoarse if I talk too much (which, ahem, tends to happen). I'm still just really thankful it was only a cold and didn't develop into anything worse, such as tends to be the case with me. A cold I can totally handle. Plus it caused me to slow down more than I probably would have this weekend, so I'm thankful to be refreshed and relaxed (er, at least I was on Monday when I wrote this paragraph)!

Fibro & Weight loss:
These seem to go hand-in-hand these days since my Fibro is best when I'm watching what I eat and exercising. Just when I think I've got things figured out, I get pummeled and reality strikes. I'm not entirely sure what to think or do anymore. About 2 months ago or so, I developed plantar fascitis in my left heel. It's extremely painful and makes working out full force really difficult. (For now I've only worked on it with my trainer, doing extra stretches, or walking on a high incline on the treadmill at a very slow rate which also helps stretch it out. I've had a little work done by the chiropractor on it, but not much.) The past month, I totally tanked on my workouts. Life, work, was all super overwhelming, and the pain in my heel just made working out too overwhelming. My trainer went on vacation for a week, I skipped, struggled to get back at it, and didn't get in there for an entire month. Mind you I didn't do much outside of it either. I hit rock bottom in that regard, my pain flared up, and I fought to just survive. So I'm thankful now to be getting back into it. Monday night I went back, got totally killed, and loved it.

Yes, you read that right. Despite the pain, the energy from it totally makes it all worth it, and it ultimately helps the pain, so I just have to keep my eyes on the prize and push forward.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely stressful, both at work and in life. I'm thankful for a hubby who rolls along with the punches beside me, and doesn't freak out like I freak out. He graciously allows me to have my "we need Subway or McDonald's" evenings (which is even easier right now and he often offers, thankyouverymuch McDonald's Monopoly), allows the house to look like a tornado hit it, and chills on the couch with me when it is all just too much. Or avoids me completely on the days when that's necessary too.

For a while there, I'd been fighting a deep spiritual battle. I was in turmoil over some things. Not to say that it's all resolved, but I'm in a much better place now with God than I was. It's one thing to know and say what you believe, it's a whole other thing to be able to fully live it out when reality comes clambering down on your doorstep. The enemy is fighting hard, but I'm not going to give in. I'm thankful for God's continual pursuit of me and goodness to me despite me.

This has really helped. As well as the recent Beth Moore event I went to with my mom, and the Greg Laurie Crusade where God really, powerfully showed up. Those things combined got me onto a new page. But as we all know when we're in a deep valley, the climb back out can still be slow.

Amber at Striving for 31 had a recent post that really struck a chord with me. Please check out her full post here. Here's what really hit home with me:

God said, "I'll take your wreck and use it to answer your prayers." 
Isn't that just like our Jesus?
I've been thinking about it today. Jesus takes all the things in our lives that we make a big wreck out of. He sees our scratches and dents. He knows we're not really paying enough attention to the road He set before us. He knows our distractions, and sometimes, sometimes he just lets us go ahead and wreck everything.
But He doesn't just stand there and let us weep over the mess. No, he picks us up and takes the most horrible situations and uses them for our good. In the words of a friend of mine, "He's determined to prosper you, kiddo."
                                                                                                                   used by permission

Whoosh, the day I read that it totally knocked my socks off and had me crying right at my work desk. Thank you, Amber, for your insights!! Doesn't God know just what we need to hear when we need to hear it?!

I'd been in such an emotional havoc in August & September, that I couldn't even cry. It was like I was totally numb to everything going on around me. I was faking happiness, putting on a smiley face, but feeling like a hypocrite inside. My life wasn't oozing joy for my Savior, love for people, compassion for others, or anything of the like. I was fighting a war in my heart over some deep-seeded issues that while on the mend, aren't fully resolved yet. God is not finished with me, and I am thankful.

Tim & I are in a constant struggle right now to put ourselves aside and work on honoring and loving each other in spite of ourselves. It's hard, but I'm so thankful to know that I'm not alone in this. We all know marriage is hard work, but it's super rewarding too. We aren't giving up at all, ever. We just want to share the reality. I don't think Christians talk often enough sometimes about life's difficulties, and we're thrown off the trampoline by sudden chaos. I want to, and hope to, be fully real and transparent so that others may know that while my life is not easy, my Savior is! He's just what I need to survive each and every day!

My insecurities:
I have recently had people coming out of the woodwork thanking me for things. Things I didn't realize impacted people so much. I have four thank you cards on my desk right now that I received over the course of one week. It was such a blessing to me and spoke volumes to me. I am so completely insecure that I always just see myself as annoying, but I do certain things because I feel lead to do them and am always amazed at the results. I do not in any way say that to lift myself up, because it's my God, not me. It's him working through me even when I'm at my lowest feeling insecure and incapable. He uses us no matter where we are at if we just let him.

Our sermon on Sunday was extremely impactful for me in this area. Realizing that so many others  struggle with a lot of insecurity hit home to me (including our pastor, who is a regular speaker and preacher, heard by millions each year). I often think I'm the only one who totally hates myself and struggles with who I am. I really don't see myself in positive light... at all. So of course this is an issue, but I don't want it to be anymore. I know God loves me and made me who I am. I am thankful for our pastor's wisdom and the things he says and the times he says it (knows we need to hear it). For the remainder of this week you can listen to his sermon here. (I think it changes over on Monday morning to the new week's sermon.)

You may have noticed that I've updated my profile picture. My last one was several years old and prior to when I started losing weight. I was really tired of that picture, but I didn't like any of the others I'd seen! I have had pictures taken before that have been okay, I helped my friend Brian by being his tester for lighting while setting up for other photo shoots and have gotten some good head shots but I keep forgetting to bring him a thumb drive to put 'em onto for me. So... this past weekend with my friend Tracie, she took a bunch of photos of me (not for this purpose at all, just because she likes snapping pictures and even though I hate how I look, I don't mind at all being a guinea pig for her--hey, it's my camera, I can delete what I want to :)). Below are some of my favorites and the last one is my favorite that became my profile pic. What do you think - did I pick the right one?  

Thank you so much to all my readers, followers, emailers, and commenters. I appreciate you all so much. This blog has become such a good source of relief and journaling for me--whether through words or pictures. I can't thank you enough for sharing in this journey with me. Your comments and emails mean more to me than you could know.

Hugs & love to each of you!


Sydney said...

I know what you mean by the spiritual battle, and it encourages me SO SO much to know that you came through it a stronger person!! Wonderful post :)

Debbie Vermilyea said...

You really assessed yourself in this post. To me, it sounds like you are doing pretty good. :D

I love the photos...your friend has a good eye and of course she has a beautiful and willing subject. ;D

We are always a work in progress and that's ok. There is only 1 perfect one and we know who he is.

Amber said...

Wow, this was a great post! You have encouraged me to push past my pain and try working out. I always say I will, but I don't. You have convinced me to at least try!