Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day & Longing for Children

This has, by far, been the hardest Mother's Day ever.

Let me rephrase... it was the hardest day-before-Mother's-Day ever. Today wasn't so bad. Yesterday was dark, depressing, and I was lethargic and sad. I cried. A lot. 

Anyway, I don't want to go into too many details as to why - but at the heart of it is the finality of it feeling so hopeless.

The sinking, giving-in, never-gonna-happen, dejected feeling.

There's just no reason to even think about it anymore.

And yet, I can't seem to help it.

I still weep, long, and wish.

As every Mother's Day comes and goes, and I'm still not holding my very own child, it looks more and more bleak, hopeless, and sad.

Even though I simply adore all of the kids in my life -- Parker, Nolan, Olivia, Cayley, Joshua, Natalie, Ashdyn, Carrissa, Hayley, Charlie, Daniel, Samuel, Toby, etc -- but it's still not the same as mine.

And even though I have ultimately come to grips with all of this, and that I may very well not be meant to have kids, it's still crazy hard this time of year.

Just like it's super hard for singles on Valentine's Day when they thought surely they'd have found the love of their life by now. 

After 12 years of marriage, I admit to feeling defeated. It's a rough one. It'll be okay -- I'll be okay. For this weekend though, I'm taking some quiet time alone, getting introspective, and spending much-needed time with God as I work on true contentment and peace.

I've seen the hand of God and felt His presence this past year more than ever before in my life. So while at a very hard place, I'm also in a very good place.

And I know that doesn't make a ton of sense.

But I still wait, trust, and pray that we'll have kids.

And I ooze with pride today for the love & sacrifice of my own mother & mother-in-law.

We had some very sweet time today with my mother-in-law, and last weekend with my mother. I'm so very grateful for them both, and all of the sweet texts I received today from family & friends.

To all of you single or married out there who long for children - I understand. Feel free to leave me a comment or email me at rochellelearning at gmail dot com {spelled out that way to help avoid spammers} and we can talk. Let's cry, share, and pray together.

I'm praying for all you whose arms are empty and hearts are broken. You are not alone. You are loved and appreciated!!

A couple other great blog posts on Mother's Day & not being a mom:
Mother's Day & the Infertile
Village Moms

1 comment:

Rachel Jones said...

Thanks for sharing this Rochelle - praying for u & love u lots