Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Weakness - Life with Fibromyalgia

Today I am not feeling well and am reminded of my weakness. Today I'm faced with the sheer reality, lonely, achey, challenging, dark world of Fibromyalgia.

Today the fatigue and pain have slammed me so hard, along with cold symptoms, that even typing this is extremely taxing and difficult. {Hence why even the 4 hours of work in the office this morning was also dire and pushing it too hard!}

I'm clawing at my skin, itching like crazy, wanting to get out... in so much pain everything is screaming at the top of its lungs in me and nothing really helps including sitting, laying down, walking, stretching, moving, heating pads, cooling pads,  etc... so fatigued that I just want to sleep all the time, but sleep still seems to elude me...

I cry and I wince in excruciating pain. I sneeze and my entire body convulses. I sniff and my neck muscles tell me to stop it. I chew food and swallow drink because I have to. I type here because it's a lifeline, despite that it's incredibly painful to do so.

Relaxing a bit has helped, but not to the degree I wish it would. I wish this would go away. I wish that with every twist and turn I don't want to scream. Most days I just push through, not making a peep, knowing it's a part of my life and I just have to keep going. But not today.

And I don't want to be sick today. I don't want to feel like I've been run over several times by a truck. It's bad timing and I need to be at work. I need to be running errands for my big travel plans this weekend. I need to be able to focus on this weekend's events. I desperately, desperately need to see my dearest friend and her kids.

Instead, God tells me to rest. I have to listen to my body and I know it. God has allowed me to have an illness where I'm forced to regularly rest and listen to my body, instead of just constantly going about life and doing it on my own. I'm constantly reminded of my glaring inability to be strong, to stand up and fight, to do anything in my own ability. 

As I lay propped up in the recliner, listening to some soothing Owl City music while praying over the vast amount of prayer requests hitting me right now, I am trying to find strength and comfort in God's Word and His sufficiency.

It's often discouraging that no matter how hard I try, no matter that I want to feel better or long for a normal life, I'm constantly choked and suffocated by my human frailty and inability to be sufficient.

But it's when we are at our weakest that God is at His greatest. He's our strength when we have none. 

My temptation through all of this might be to believe that God is not good, that He doesn't have my best interests at heart, because it's sometimes how I feel. But in my heart, no matter how bad my circumstances get, I know that I know that God IS good. Even when I can't see it.

His grace is sufficient for me. (2. Cor. 12:9) 

And now that it's been over 6 hours since I initially started writing this and I desperately need to lay down in bed even though the sheets will be painful, the pillow will take a half hour to adjust, the breathing strip will irritate my face but help me to breathe, and it will likely take at least an hour to fall asleep despite the crushing fatigue... it's time to sign off.

Despite the struggles, I have hope for a brighter day tomorrow.

1 comment:

Carol said...

Hugs and prayers, Rochelle