Hard Seasons

I love this post.

The reality is, that while life has been in a hard season lately between holiday-craziness, travel, illnesses, pain, fatigue, grief, sadness, relational hardships, and baby-madness, it's really just all a part of life. This too will pass and everything will be okay.

It doesn't make my hard disappear. But I also wouldn't want anyone to think I'm even one iota less grateful for what I have.

I really did sign up for this. I wanted this. I still very much want this and wouldn't trade it for anything.

But oh. my. word. It's been mega, super, duper hard lately.

Like so bad I've thought I was going to lose my mind somedays, or wanted to crawl into a hole other days and hide forever.

But still not nearly as hard as the hard some of my friends went through.

Sometimes my hard was just trying to sort through and emotionally deal with what my friends were going through. Namely a dear friend who had a really hard pregnancy with a baby who was diagnosed with a fatal chromosomal disorder, and who only lived 6 hours when she was born full-term on December 19th.

I've cried more tears than I knew I could for her and her loss. I've wept over the thought of Elijah dying and how I feared that so strongly when he was in the NICU, even when he was technically no longer at-risk. I've ridden the roller coaster of emotions this past month.

That being said, there's so much UTTER & COMPLETE JOY in the midst of our hard right now. While Elijah has been sick and sometimes needing me more than I would like {being so drained physically and having things I have to get done for work, etc}, I suddenly remember the amazing truth is:

I HAVE A CHILD!!! 

One I waited for, longed for, prayed for, hoped for, and begged God for nearly 10 years.

This is a really big deal to me. It's important to not just get so agitated in the moment to not be able to do what I want to be doing, that I have to remind myself how I would have processed a similar moment just one or two years ago.

My hard then was processing whether or not we'd ever have kids or if this was really what our life was going to be.

Oh how quickly time changes our perspective.

I love Elijah with every fiber of my being. I am still in shock sometimes that this really is my child and I'm not giving him back to someone. He's home.

While I wipe snot from his nose, clean up his vomit, and try to calm his mad-screaming-cries that last for an hour... I stare into his eyes and I'm smitten.

While I've had a crazy-hard, exhausting, draining, sole-parenting day because hubster is super sick, I take Eli to the doctor, and I have a major problem getting Elijah's medication at Walgreens... I sob relentlessly while holding him and he stops crying, leans into me for a couple of quiet minutes as I calm down and when I'm better he just leans back and gives me a big smile.

**swoon**

And suddenly nothing else matters but that sweet little boy and learning what it means to raise him well, and learning what it means to be a good, godly mama.

I'm now even more compassionate for single moms or moms who have to be going 24/7 while their husbands don't really help out {or are busy with school, long work hours, etc} and/or stay-at-home moms.

I mean, seriously you guys. Their jobs are mega, mega hard. I have so much mega respect for them, even more than I did before. Because now I get it.

I truly believe I was not meant for the stay-at-home life. I could technically do it and find ways to plug in with friends, church, serving, etc. BUT, I genuinely love our set-up... most of the time {sometimes I don't, but that's rare}. I love my job. I love my baby.

Balancing working in the office/daycare, working at home/caring for baby, and just caring for baby is a juggling act that not everyone can do. And sometimes I feel like a major failure. Like right now when sickness creeps in regularly and I can barely see straight, much less get everything done.

The tendency to feel guilty, fight constant feelings of failure, and being really lonely & sad is easy during hard seasons like these. I can beat myself up until I'm blue in the face, especially if I don't have adequate support systems in place.

But I do genuinely feel this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

And no matter how hard it goes as a parent, I'm absolutely loving the fact that I'm a mother. And I still am in complete shock and awe. God gave us such a sweet little gift. He's so amazing. Elijah delights us and surprises us regularly.

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Honestly, I know I'm kind of rambling. There's not really a point to this post. I've had a writers block of sorts in this hard season. I've started about 10 posts or so, just sitting around in Drafts unfinished. Feeling uninspired and unmotivated, without the words to really say that make sense.

So instead here's just a rant about things around here lately. Sometimes life is awesome and sometimes life is just hard and it stinks. But I chose this, I still choose this, and I choose to find joy in it all.

I hope you & yours are all well at your house!