Saturday, June 22, 2013
Elijah had chest tubes put in. He was given morphine for the pain.
I called the nurse to find out how he'd been doing. At one point she said "He's okay now but your son stopped breathing for a minute..."
My heart caught in my throat.
I could hear his heart rate monitor beeping loudly in my ears even though I wasn't near him. I could feel myself wanting to vomit as I clung tightly to the phone.
Desperately wanting her to tell me everything was going to be okay.
She didn't tell me how things would be, but he was stable.
And I was terrified.
I started to fear the worst. Like the possibility he really could die from all this. Everything started to unravel.
There was something said about stopping the morphine since that seemed to be the cause of it all. But he was still in pain. They'd given him something else.
My baby. Laying in the NICU two floors away. In extreme pain. And I couldn't go see him or hold him right away.
Later I talked to my mom. She told me she was on her way back up here after she'd heard he'd taken a turn for the worse. A little over 24 hours later and my brother surprised me with a visit as well. My dad stuck around for several days because he was so depressed over all that was happening.
The support of family was incredible. And yet...
Every day that Elijah got better, I fell apart a bit more.
Still in shock. Unable to process it all. Trying to protect myself and my sweet baby boy. Watching him fight for his life, or seemingly. I remember one of the doctors saying he was totally fine, just needed help with getting started. I thought he'd fallen and hit his head.
My baby was not totally fine! I couldn't take that as real.
Until he was at home with us, he was not okay.
I will never forget the moment I learned my son stopped breathing. And the real work began of learning to trust. That was the big moment of 2013 for me.
What was yours? Please share! I would love to hear from you!